The end of a broken girl

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This is Holly's suicide letter....

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1. The end of a broken girl

It's me Holly and if your reading it could only mean one thing, that is I finally have given up on this hell people call life. I'm sorry to all the people who were affected by this if there is anyone. I doubt anyone really even cares I mean how can anyone care if I was a nobody, I was the outsider in my family, the ignored friend and the depressed girl to everyone else. 

 

I don't want anyone to think I didn't try to keep on going with life. I did try, i tried every single fucking day. It was never enough. Every day was a struggle, everyday was a battle in this endless war with the demons that call themselves 'depression'. People will probably say I should have waited that it would get better but their so wrong, everyday only ever got worse. I was falling apart. 

 

Tried to be this kind hearted girl who did charity work and helped others, but the moments I needed someone to talk to everyone turned around and walked the other direction. I can't remember a day that hasn't gone by that I haven't wanted it all to stop. Attempted suicide a few times before this but I decided to suck it up. 

 

Everyone would be better off without me. I mean who wants to deal with the girl who wants to die? I don't have any interest, any hope, any motivation for anything anymore. I don't even love the same. I ain't happy I haven't been for a long time. I've been waiting for someone to realise that. Some people did but they didn't care or they did but it wasn't enough to keep me alive. 

 

I will never blame others for my actions. It was selfish of me to kill myself but I needed to find peace. The kind I would have never found here. I've tried to look for hope in life but could never find it. I'm hopeless. My heart was broken several times, I never recovered from them tried so damn hard just to mend my heart but it was shattered with pieces missing. 

 

The rumours, bullying, abuse, fighting, lies, betrayal, fake friends, lost friends and lost love all crushed me. Constant reminders of these events and all the pain i conflicted on people made it impossible to move on. The scars on my arm would follow me everywhere and haunt me along with these demons. It's a never ending pain. I regret hurting the people who meant so much to me. 

 

I was alone, vulnerable and broken. I needed someone to hug me and tell me I'm not alone but that never happened. I hope you all forget me. I don't want to be remembered. I tried to channel my feelings with writing, I wrote an entire collection of poems about the way I'm feeling thinking people would realise how badly I was hurting, and help me get through it but then I realised it would never have gotten better. At least i wouldn't have felt so alone. 

 

One guy cared. But I can't shake the feeling he was only doing it because I helped him through his shit. Who knows maybe he genuinely did care,  he was one of my closest friends yet he wasn't enough for me to stay. Then there's my soulmate he loved me and I loved him. I didn't wanna leave him but he didn't take away my loneliness he added on to it. He was a great guy everything I wanted but he didn't know how to deal with me he didn't know how to comfort me when I would cry. He deserved better than what I could offer him. I didn't deserve to be loved.

 

Well I guess this is the end. I was a broken girl searching for peace and I've finally got it. Please let me go everyone...

 

Love Holly x

 

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