Chaos of the heart



1. on depression

“Its going to pass.
“Everyone gets depressed every once in a while.
“Get out there and chill.
“You should stop thinking about it.
“If you get busy, youll forget about depression.

These and so many other sentences, drain every bit of energy out of my body.

Depression is not that simple. And it certainly cant be fixed by fixing your issues.


Depression is when youre walking down a street. Everything is good, youre admiring the view. And then suddenly, you feel like crying right there and right then. You have no apparent reason to be sad, but you are

Its when you are hanging out with friends, laughing and having a good time. In the middle of the conversation, you start to frown. And nothing can turn it upside down

Its when you wake up in the middle of the night, in panic. You feel hopeless and helpless. You cant breathe. It almost feels as if there are two huge hands on your neck, trying their hardest to choke you. Your heart is put in a cage that is one size too small. Its beating so hard, that you think its going to escape your chest at any moment. Youre not sure if youre going to live to see tomorrow. But you do, and you wake up as empty as ever.

Its when you have no reason to look forward to another day. Its when you have no reasons to get up in the morning and start your day off. Its when you dont want to leave your bed until you rot. But you do it anyways.

Its when you stay up all night every night on occasions, and sleep 48 hours straight on others.

Its feeling everything and nothing at the same time. You are deeply sad. Nothing ignites a spark in you. You dont experience mood fluctuations. You are on a flat line of sadness, that nothing can put a vibration on. You walk around with no goals or ambitions, because you dont believe in trying anymore. What is life, anyways. Right? You feel like a cardboard that is floating on the ocean. The waves of life move you around as they like, and you dont even bother to complain anymore

Of course, you try. You do as they tell you. You start to participate in every activity that you come across. You go out. You hit your friends up. You talk about it. You do sports, arts, music, and many things of that sort. You spoil yourself and buy everything that you once liked but didnt think was worth the money. You eat as you like. But nothing works. You then decide to go to therapy. Sometimes that doesnt work either. You think if you get to do a certain thing, or be with a certain someone, its going to get better. You do your best to achieve that only to find out that it makes no difference. You read books, watch movies, and do all the cliché stuff. But it all takes you back to the starting point.

In life, Ive learned that two things, and only two, cant be fixed with rational thinking. One of which is depression. So please, if you havent experienced it yourself, dont talk big about it.

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