Head over Heels 3

The story isn't over...yet.

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47. don’t go.

I knew driving to Cali was going to bring back so many memories. I didn’t want to pull up into the driveway but I did anyways. Everything was the same, just how Justin and I left it. I turned off the engine, making my way into the house. I felt different, and mainly in a bad good-feeling way. I sighed and walked into the kitchen where it all happened. I wanted to cry for the millionth time, even though it wasn’t going to help me feel any better. I missed him so much. Just going through the house and seeing what we’ve both built over the years made me miss home. Looking through photo albums and seeing this whole canvas of us and the family, put a smile upon my face. I was rushing my dad to get over my mom while I’m here doing the same thing he did, stare at a picture of Justin and I and just reminiscing everything. I laid in the bed, snuggling up to the picture of Justin and I.

“Hey, I didn’t know you were here.” Kristie says.

“Oh, hey Kristie. Happy to see you.” I said sitting up in bed, cleaning my face.

“Happy to see you too. Happy that you’re here, y’know, coming back to Cali and progressing everything that’s happened. That’s a way of healing, and you coming here, shows so much courage. I know you miss him, we all do. But you’re hurting more because he was your husband.”

“Audrey knows. I couldn’t tell her about him, I had Derek to tell her because I wasn’t ready. I thought she wasn’t ready. She’s so used to being around him and, now he’s gone. I just think of all the things I’ve done to him and I feel guilty. I understand a relationship has its ups and downs but, you never know when a person is ready to leave this world. I’m still not ready to say goodbye.”

“I understand. And I wasn’t ready either, but he is in a better place with the rest of your family. At least he’s there with your mom, and your unborn baby. I know how obsessed he was with Adriana.”

“Yeah. It’s bad that he loved her than I did. He was more hurt than I was. I wanted to get rid of her.”

“You can’t hold yourself accountable for every situation you and Justin were in. I’m sure if you two switched places, he would feel the same way. Yes, you’ve both put each other through difficult times but all relationships are like that.”

“I just miss him.” I said.

“Me too. I just hope you’re not using Derek to make yourself feel better. I know about you and him, he didn’t tell me don’t worry, I just felt like you two were messing around again. And it’s okay to move on and not feel bad about moving on, it’s what he would want you to do anyways. Have you talked to Kathy?”

“No, she’s ghosting all of us. She left when I needed her the most, when I needed my best fucking friend to comfort me. But, Derek’s been there for me since day one. And I’m not sleeping with him to forget about what happened, I want to move on. I do. But coming here, makes me feel like shit. I bought a house in L.A. I’m moving. Audrey doesn’t want to live in the hotel forever, and I agree with her. I don’t want that for Issac either. I’m selling the house and, I don’t know what to do with his things. Maybe, donate it or keep it in storage, maybe save it for Issac. It’s just- a lot and I don’t know what to do.”

“Donate some, and save the rest for Issac. I’m sure whatever you decided he wouldn’t care. Your dad is still upset about it, he thinks the death penalty wasn’t enough for Tiffany. I agreed with him. But, what’s done is done. What are you going to do next?”

“I’m going to put the for sale sign out, visit his grave, and then go back to L.A. might visit Kathy but, I’m afraid she’ll act different. Probably won’t. I better get going.”

“Okay. Hey, call me if you need anything, I would love to help you move.”

“Thanks Kristie. I’ll need all the help I can get.” I said walking out the room. I put the for sale sign out in the front after Kristie left. I wasn’t surprised of all the flowers people left him at his grave, still didn’t feel real to me and I don’t think it ever will.

“What are you doing here?” Kathy asks.

“Seriously? You’re asking me that questions? What are you doing here? What happened to you? Why are you ghosting us?” I asked.

“I come here everyday. I just needed space, I couldn’t take him being gone.”

“And you think I can take it! My husband was murdered! I needed you the most because everything went to shit! Derek was the only one there for me, you’re my best fucking friend how could you just leave me like that!?”

“I was dealing with it too! Justin and I always bumped heads but that was our way of getting along. I’m sorry about disappearing, I am! I wasn’t going to make things any better anyways. It’s nice to hear you and Derek are getting very close again. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were sleeping with each other.”

“It’s not like that, it’s- I just needed to feel something and he was there. Everything happened so fast with Justin, I didn’t want to believe it at first or accept it. But it looks like I have no choice. I’m moving to L.A. I can’t stray here.”

“Do what you have to do, I wanted to be there for you but, I thought being away from all of you was better for me. I’m sorry, alright...for not calling or checking up on you. I should’ve been a better friend. You don’t have to forgive me, I don’t deserve it. It’s nice to see you though.”

“You too Kathy, you too.”

“We should catch up sometime, I would love to do it now but, I still need time. Hug Audrey and Issac for me. Tell them I miss them, and also everyone else.” I watched as she left the cemetery. I felt a little bit better now that I talked to her, knowing she’s okay. I laid down a bouquet of flowers, also laying my wedding ring on his headstone. Going back to L.A felt like I was starting over. Of course I’ll never forget about Justin and the love we shared. We have a family together. I picked the kids up from school, going to the hotel to get ready for dinner at Derek’s. Derek and I sat on the floor of his place eating Chinese food he prepped up for us.

“How was Cali?” He asks.

“It was okay. A little bit intense, I must admit. I saw Kathy, she found me at the cemetery. We talked a little, she still doesn’t want to see us. Says she needs space. I don’t know what the hell she meant by that but, I’m furious with her. She disappeared when I needed her, I was the one hurting more than everyone else. I’m the widow. They were just friends, I mean we’re all family in a way but, it still hurt me.”

“We all need time, I think that’s what she meant by that instead of wanting space. She’ll come around, we all have a different way of grieving. Hey, don’t stress yourself out more than you already are. She’ll realize she can’t stand being without you. Trust me, I know her. And she will realize that.”

“Hopefully, she wanted to say hi by the way. Anyways, the food was amazing, thanks for inviting us.”

“No problem. What happened to your ring?”

“Oh, um...I sat it on his headstone. I’m not trying to get over him, I want to move on. I realized what you said when I told you about my dream. And you were right. Maybe he was trying to tell me that it was okay to see other people. I was just afraid..scared what he would think.”

“I don’t think you were afraid of what he would think. You were afraid of what everyone else think. You’re allowed to move on and I’m not just saying that because we have sex..speaking of..I got something.” He says handing me a piece of paper. “I went to the clinic after work and I’m clean. No more sex with random girls, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Aw, thanks. You know this was very sweet of you. I just hope I wasn’t being too forward with you doing this.”

“It’s okay. I wanted to make sure I didn’t have anything either. It’s been a while since I’ve had a check up. Are you okay? With everything that’s going on with Kathy.”

“Um, I think I’m okay. I miss her like crazy. Miss talking to her, joking with her, hanging out getting our nails done but, after Justin, everything felt different. Killing Tiffany or putting her in jail isn’t enough. And I’ve learned that with Tori. It didn’t make me feel better about her doing what she did to me and getting justice for it. Her feeling the same pain as my unborn child wasn’t going to fix it either. What Jason did to me, I was obsessed with getting justice but, it’s not going to make me forget. Nothing helps, even if there is justice. You’ll still have to live with pain. And that’s what I have to go through for the rest of my life. I know you invited me over so I could forget about everything and have a nice dinner with you-“

“I invited you over so you could get out of that hotel. You and the kids. I know staying there is hard for you, but, maybe you don’t have to stay there. You can crash here, just until the house is ready of course.”

“I think you’re asking us to move in with you. Is that what you’re doing?” I asked.

“No. No of course not. I know coming out of pocket to pay for the room is stressful. So, I mean you guys can stay here free of charge. I kinda owe you anyways. I’m not forcing you, but at least think about it.” He says, I smiled and nodded my head.

“Okay, I will think about it. Thanks.”

“No problem. And, I know getting justice for Justin doesn’t make you feel better about what happened. Yeah you have to live with that forever but, one day you’ll realize, that things get better. I felt like, I should’ve gone to prison because of how many people I’ve killed in war. I didn’t feel like myself. And I’ll never go back to being that person again. I had to cope with that and, Randall and I were going through the same thing. He was sick, sometimes he thought about committing suicide and, the rates of suicide in the military is very high. I wanted to re-enlist because it felt like my mission wasn’t over. But I have to come to the conclusion that, I can’t do anything to bring him back. Trust me I want Justin back as much as you do, but, we can’t love someone back to life. You may not get the justice you deserve. And it’s okay to feel pissed about it. Issac and Audrey will definitely feel what you’re feeling right now. All we can do is be there for them. You know they’re going to ask who did it right?”

“Yeah. And that’s a conversation I’m not ready for. I wish everything could come back together, with Kathy talking to me and of course Justin being back but, that’s something I can’t fix. It’s driving me insane, she just up and disappeared when I needed her. Why would she do this to me?”

“I think she knows something. I think that’s why she’s been avoiding you.”

“What do you mean, about Justin’s death?”

“Yeah. I just feel like somethings missing. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m gonna go put leftovers up.” He says getting up. I took a deep breath and took our plates in the kitchen sitting them on the counter. We played charades with the kids until they fell asleep on the sofa. I volunteered to help Derek do the dishes also since I was a guest here. I smiled a little knowing Derek was still here throughout everything, since the first time I met him. It made me forget about the bad things that was circulating around in my head.

“Thank you.” I said laying my head on his shoulder.

“For what?”

“Being here for me...for us when no one else would do it.”

“You were there for me when I needed it. Just returning the favor. Do you think Issac will need a father figure in his life?”

“Yeah. I can’t teach him how to respect girls, or grow up to be a man. You think you could it? Once he’s older enough to understand?”

“Sure. I would love for him to get to know me. I’m not trying to take Justin’s place. Issac’s one years old, and of course I’ll tell him I’m not his dad. But Justin stepped up when I couldn’t. Took care of Audrey, raised her, she’s amazing. I at least want to do what he did. I can’t be anything like him, but, I do want to be in Issac’s life too.”

“Okay. Yeah, I think that’ll be great.”

“I really like you Adrian. I don’t want you to feel like, I’m taking advantage of you. I didnt ask for it to happen last night it just...it just happened. I wasn’t thinking ‘now is the time to make a move on her’ i wasn’t thinking like that. Besides you were flirting with me, I think we were flirting with each other and it shifted to something serious. I love you, it’s been a while since I’ve said that but, you are the only girl I’ve said that to. You know I would do anything for you, right?”

“Yeah. I know. And, I love you too. Justin knew I loved you, and I also loved him. And it was a shitty thing for me to do, putting him through that. Loving another guy. I shouldn’t have done that. Maybe he thought I didn’t love him enough, that I fantasized about being with you and having sex with you. I know he was thinking that. But everyday he would wake up and put a smile on his face for me, for Audrey, for Issac. And I hate myself for doing that to him. I wish he knew I was sorry, for everything.”

“He knows. Trust me, he does. Despite everything that went on between us, he deserved to think like that. I couldn’t get over you even when I told him I was. I did mean it when I said it was officially over for us. I didn’t want it to be true but, you were getting married. I respected Justin, I respected you..your marriage, your family. It was hard to acknowledge that, especially being there with Jessa and dating her at the time. You’re just- an amazing person. And, I’m thankful that you were able to carry my child, and be apart of my life when I was going through a rough time.”

“You’re welcome. I just want begin a new chapter of my life, with Justin being apart of it still. I mean, I’ll never forget him, I’ll always love him. But, I think in order for me to feel better. I have to accept everything that went on throughout the years. And that’s hard to do, but, I want to end this chapter and, start fresh. I’m selling the house.”

“Wait, what?”

“I went there and everything came back to me, the memories and everything but...I felt trapped in that house so, I’m selling it. I want to do this, I’m serious about moving on. Your grandparents makes me feel alive.” I said laughing. “I love being around them, the kids do too. And I also love being around you. You make me feel better, and you also make me laugh. Thanks for that.”

“Anytime. And thanks for helping me with the dishes, you didn’t have to. I would’ve used the dishwasher but I’m old fashioned.”

“No problem. I had fun tonight, I hope we can do this again sometime.”

“Me too, are you leaving?”

“Yeah. I’m going to work at nine and I have to take the kids to school. Do you want me to stay?”

“Yeah. I want you to stay, I understand you having an early morning and all. I can take them to school if you want.” He says drying his hands.

“Really? You would do that for me?”

“Of course. I don’t think I’ve ever dropped Audrey off at school before. Maybe I can start since you’re moving to L.A. and you can sleep in. I’ll take care of Issac too.”

“You are so amazing, thank you. What’s the catch? Not leave?”

“Spend the night with me. I have some things planned for us tomorrow night. I already talked to my mom, she wants to watch them. Don’t go, please.”

“Okay.” I said softly. He grabs my hand and kisses it. I smiled and looked into his eyes waiting for him to kiss me. Instead, he kisses my neck softly, and I instantly got chills. He picks me up sitting me on the counter, moving his lips to mine.

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