The Posy Diaries

Kennedy Morrison is an unapologetic 20-something year old in the throes of recovering from a recent breakup from Blake Henley. Blake lives thousands of miles away from her. Kennedy has chronic depression and anxiety and Blake has ADHD and depression. They're both chronically sad and lonely. Can Kennedy stop her consumption by her own worst enemy: herself? Is her relationship with Blake salvageable?

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Author's note

WARNING: This story contains strong language, graphic imagery, explicit sexual content, and possible drug use. Please read at your own discretion. You must be 18 years old or older to read this.
AA

5. V.


 

V.


 

I started to wonder if I was going insane which I questioned myself often so I made lists of things that reminded me of you to give to my therapist. My handwriting was sloppy as I was unused to writing anymore. The only times I wrote anything was when I was at the bank, drafting a biweekly grocery list, writing out a check, or signing a card. My hands would press the pen into the paper until the ink bled through like a Rorschach test.


 

I found you in white Impalas, white cars in general, Calico cats, the faces of men who I assumed were mixed and refrained from calling “exotic” for fear that the term was possibly offensive in some way because suppose they weren't mixed? Men who had dark hair, men who had dark hair and dark features, men who had dark hair and dark features and dark skin tones, men who tanned beautifully in the sunlight.


I found you in men in general, men who were in the military, men who had been in the military, any mention of the military or the army, men who sang randomly, men who sang R&B tunes from the 90s like Water Runs Dry by Boys II Men, men who hummed while they washed dishes, lovers who insisted on washing dishes the morning after, lovers who rolled over and away from me after sex, men who took showers immediately after having sex, short men, short men with dark hair and dark skin, and men from Pennsylvania.


 

I found you in anything about the state of Pennsylvania, the state of Pennsylvania on a map, Wikipedia articles about Philadelphia, Delaney, TX, any mentioning of either of those cities on the news which in turn caused me to stop watching the news for a week—my form of going on a strike against the memory of you, men with tattoos, men with tattoos of mythological creatures but really just men with tattoos, men who had pretty smiles, men who had dogs, men who had cats, men who owned both, men with Papillons, Papillons, Calico cats, cats, dogs, men with hazel eyes, men whose eyes were striking in general, men with manicured nails,...men in general.


Men, in general, reminded me of you.

 

I wondered if I was going crazy when I started to find you in the everyday objects, in the everyday occurrences, settling into the stony exterior faces of homes, and vinyl sidings, and on the asphalt, and on the cracks in sidewalks that I consciously stepped over, in the expressions pressing into people's faces, moving underneath their skin, in their bones, unfurling out of their lips when they spoke.


I found you in mailboxes, nature documentaries, army documentaries (especially those), Wounded Veterans advertisements, previews for movies about the army, anime, video games that were based on anime, search terms that started with your name or involved your name, Facebook, our mutual Facebook friends, foster children, mental health websites, people with Bipolar disorder, people with Borderline personality disorder, people with ADHD, people who were motherless, websites like The Mighty or Thought Catalog, men who were Leos, Leos, astrology, videos about foster children, foster parents, adoption articles, adoption documentaries, YouTube videos, random advertisements for Hearthstone or Magic the Gathering, whenever I passed by GameStop where I'd have to avert my eyes from packs of League of Legends IP cards, and rows of video games, League of Legends, Hearthstone, Heroes of the Storm, video games in general, poker, Texas Hold 'Em, The Witcher, Let's Play videos that I still found myself watching on occasion late at night, late night binge-eating, sex toy websites, board games, sex toys, websites that featured sex chairs, websites dedicated to expensive but tasteful furniture, that store LoveSac, the way a person's toes curled in their socks when they ate, bowls of cereal at 2 am, bowls of popcorn at 1 am, lots of food in a person's fridge, glasses of water, water, zip-lining, cross country, rock climbing, mountains, the smell of after showers, local parks, backpacking, Colorado, Italy, overseas, Australia, trees, apartment buildings, Summer, jars of thick vaseline-like gelatinous lard, potatoes, scrambled eggs, which caused me to stop eating scrambled eggs for about two days in a paltry form of a strike against the memory of you.


 

Once I compiled everything in a notebook, I realized that the bottom paragraph was smudged with tears so I tore that page out. Then I sought about rewriting the entire passage until my wrist started to hurt. My phone vibrated. I refused to look at it until it vibrated three more times. I peered at it from the corner of my mud-colored eye. It was you.


 


 

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