The things I wanted to say but never did.

My day to day thoughts. Not every day, but the days I have something to say.


1. 23 july, 2018. For J.

Dear Diary.

I had a relapse today.

Not as you normally would expect.
I found the pin yesterday whilst cleaning, I didn't think much of it at first. I just put it down on my table. I figured it would probably just go out with the trash afterwards.

I woke up today and found the pin on my table.
Somehow. Something inside me switched a button and all of the sudden. I missed you.
I found the pin on some marked while we still were us. The pin says ''This is him'' written in white on a black surface, and there was a matching one with a white surface and written in black was ''This is her''. I lost the white one before I could give the black to you.
I just decided to give it to you the next time I would see you. Little did I know, that we would soon end.
I started to look up our messages to one another on the phone, back to when we still were us. It hurt a lot.
All those hearts, all that gooey talk, all that love. Lost.
I deleted our Messenger conversations from when we were us a long time ago. But somehow I found our break up. I had sent the entire conversation to my friend. And there it was. Just right in front of me. As I read it, I felt the anger I felt back when it happened. I felt the sadness. I saw how much you hurt me. I saw your stupid excuses. I saw how much you hurt you. I saw your pain. I saw mine.
At that point, I was done. I smashed my head into my pillow so hard, I almost couldn't breathe.
I didn't cry.
I promised myself that I would never cry over you. I've cried too much.
I've been thinking about you all day.
My thoughts will kill me someday.
How is it that one, simple, shitty pin woke up all my emotions. All my feelings. All my feelings for you.
During dinner, all I could think about was if you were here eating with us. My father would make jokes and my brother, god help, he would ignore you. I guess he was right when he said that you were no good.




I miss you.

And I think that somehow a tiny bit of me. Will always miss you.

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