Thoughts

This is really just a place for me to get my feelings out. I'm probably not going to publish it.

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3. Big time oof

July 22nd, 9:01 PM- Start

i dont know how much more of this shit I can take. every time I start to tell my parents what I'm really feeling, they just tell me to shut up and it adds onto all the shit that my sister causes. It makes me feel like Im just over reacting, but its all the stuff that she's done to me adding up and adding up. My mom always tells me i'm entitled to my feelings, but whenever I start crying because I'm about to explode they get all mad at me and shit and make me feel like Im not entitled to these feelings. If teenagers are ticking time bombs, then honey I'm a nuclear threat during the cold war. Except I will explode, and I will be a representation  of World War 3. Which will kill all the humans on the planet. When I truely explode, it will most likely be with me going to sleep. for a long time. Enough of this depressing shit! Band camp starts tomorrow. After that, highschool starts! And after that, hopefully I will get to go as far away as I can from the hellhole. Im thinking West Coast. Oregon or California. Sacramento State sounds nice. But I probably wont make it, then I’ll get depressed all again because I wont have any money, I’ll end up being homeless or killing myself. Who knows what will happen. I try to cover up how much I’m dying inside with stupid humor, or a daydream of falling inlove with someone which I then realize will never happen. I dont see why anyone would actually love something thats shattered into so many pieces. I cant become stained glass art work or a mosaic. I wish, but I cant. No one will end up sewing my broken heart or mentality anytime soon. Only music really helps. But music only gets to far and will crush my ears and my soul. “Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” -Heather Chandler, 1989.

July 22nd, 9:14 PM- End

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