Celeste derived form old Latin translating to heavenly yet the girl who wears the name is anything but, in fact she seems to be have been spit out from the depths of hell.
Alec and Celeste have an agreement but this agreement is proving to be harder for Alec to maintain than he would've thought.
He's falling for her and that's a breach to their contract in her words he's just a smart, safe and easy fuck nothing more.
He thought he would've liked this contract after all it's what he wanted with Sheila but Sheila loved him too damn much. However Celeste isn't Sheila or like any of those other girls. Celeste is different, she's a challenge because unlike the other girls it was quite easy getting into her pants, it's just harder for him to slither his way into her armoured heart.


3. Turning tables

Note: I wrote this after listening to Adele's turning tables while writing I was listening to a combo of Sia, Michael Jackson, Gallant and Labrinth. 

I was now sitting in the almost empty auditorium awaiting my little brother’s final dress rehearsal before the big show that would be on Friday.

He’d worked hard for this and Celeste had been there for him each step of the way except this one. He took it better than I thought he would I actually thought he’d make a big fuss about it but he didn’t instead he said that he hopes her grandfather can get better and that she’s not sad anymore.

I of course smiled and assured him that once her grandpa was out of hospital she’d be happy again even though I knew that her grandfather out of hospital would only provide her relief not happiness.

The other parents here who had been to practically every rehearsal were at the edge of the seats still super excited even though much like myself they could probably recite each word to the song and dance the choreography in the sleep.

I get their excitement though, every time Kyle got up there and did his thing he’d be so happy so and at ease like he’d forgotten all the bad in our lives, it was just him and the music up there, no struggles no hardships.

Celeste would probably be beside me also bubbling up with excitement like a proud mother, she’s always the loudest cheerer and he blushes so red tomatoes would die with envy. She always has something to praise him for like how he nailed that dance move before anyone in his class did, or how he had more rhythm than the girl standing next to him, she honestly never ran out of things to say.

I didn’t understand where her fascination with him stemmed from, his was clearly the lack of a proper mother figure in his life but hers was just a mystery to me. Did she secretly crave a family of her own? She was only nineteen or eighteen come to think of it I’m not actually sure how old she is.

The lights went out and the lights on the stage flashed red and blue. The entrance piece was ballet, both Kyle, Celeste and myself had to fight the dance instructor so that he wear a tutu, he got one in his favourite colour; red, which made him stick out from the light pink ones all the girls wore but as I said attention whore.

From that the music took a turn to afro-pop or afro-house as some preferred to refer it as. I honestly don’t know the difference all that well but Celeste would be able to explain and call the terms correctly.

Before I knew it the ten minute dance was over and we all stood for a mini standing ovation. Kyle would do the closing performance which was a very complicated Michael Jackson number but he managed to pull it off.

It was Billie Jean with dancing and everything. I’ll be honest I wasn’t into this kind of shit but Kyle was just an excellent performer and will probably be unparalleled in the future when he grows into his passion.

After the whole run over the show was done I went outside to wait for him by the car.

“Do you think she’ll like it?”

“Who, Celeste?” I asked uncertain.

“No mum,” he answered so low that I almost missed it. I had forgotten to break it to him that our mother would not be able to make it because she’s travelling abroad for yet another ‘meeting’ and our father’s a pilot so he’s almost never available.

“She’ll love it!” I exclaimed and the big smile that spread across his face was enough to shroud the guilt for lying before it got worse. “Let’s go then,” he went around and stepped into the car.

Unlike most seven year olds Kyle was quite mature. He had his moments of childish running around but I think being raised by a screw up like me kind of forced him to grow up faster than usual and though it hurt I knew I could do nothing about it except be better for him.

The drive home was quiet mostly because he was asleep and it gave me an unhealthy time to think about Celeste.

“Call Celeste,” I ordered the AI on the car. I wouldn’t dare just grab my phone and do it not while Kyle was in the car. I actually drove safely under the speed limit when he was in the car which is probably why it took us an hour to get from home to school when it usually just took me thirty minutes on days with light traffic like this.

After a few rings she picked up. “Alec?” it was more of a question and I could tell she’d been sleeping from the sound of her voice. “Is that the white guy?” I hear a voice in the background ask and I instantly knew it was Marv.

“Still on the road?” I ask and decide to fetch the Bluetooth thing just in case. “Yes,” she answers into my ear. “How was the rehearsal?”

“You don’t have to ask, you know he was epic and he’s going to kill it Friday.”

She lets out a little chuckle and it’s almost like she’s here with me, like I can feel the ghost of her.

“Why’re you calling Alec?”

Why am I calling?

I miss her we usually spend today together and I just found out she’s been starving herself.

“I just miss you,” it’s hard to say but it’s the truth and I want her to hear it.

“Are you okay?” I ask to break the silence that followed my confession.

“Uh actually yeah, he’s awake and is getting discharged tomorrow, we got the call about forty five minutes ago.” I can envision her smiling, her eyes twinkling those coffee stained teeth displaying her happiness, her cheeks pushing up her eyes so it kinda looks like she’s squinting but she’s not.

“I’m glad.” I can’t help but smile despite not knowing the man.

“I’m a bit tired you can call tomorrow,” she yawns as if trying to prove that she’s tired.

I can call tomorrow? I guess she’s just in a really good mood.

“Okay I will, bye.”

I feel ten times better now just hearing her voice and how she sounded much better than she did in the morning.

When we get home I don’t bother waking Kyle instead I just carry him into the house and tuck him in. I kick off my shoes and go back downstairs to my mother’s study in search of her secret stash of whiskey but instead I find something else that’s an interesting shade of green written ‘La Fee Verte’.

I probably shouldn’t have it considering I have no clue what it is and I’ll have to be not hung over in the morning to have breakfast with Kyle and generally just take care of Kyle. I might as well just take a small portion of the whiskey to help me fall asleep rather than try the foreign green substance that hasn’t been here before.

I choose much more responsibly and grab the half empty bottle of whiskey. I make my way to the living room and switch on the TV mindlessly scrolling through channels as I drink from the bottle.

I’ll just have to fill the portion I drank with water and hope she doesn’t notice.

My phone feels heavy in my phone as it urges me to call her again. They must still be on the road and she must be asleep by now. I should just call Billy and have him come over for like a guy’s night. We can talk about his girl problems for a change.

Deciding to do that, I send him a text that he responds to way too quick with his confirmation that he’ll be here in a few minutes with Mindy. I guess I’ll have to get another bottle but he’ll probably bring joints so I should go put this back.

Eventually he makes it over with an overly excited Mindy who only gets disappointed to find out that Kyle’s asleep and that’s all she’ll be doing here as well; sleeping.  With some fuss she agrees and goes to sleep beside Kyle who doesn’t even turn when she joins him.

That leaves me and Billy outside because we can’t smoke inside.

“Why’d you call me over again?”

“Because I need a distraction, otherwise my mind keeps going back to Celeste but I can’t call her because she’s probably asleep.”

“You were a dick to what’s her face,” he tells me as if I don’t know. By what’s her face he means Sheila. “I’m always a dick to her.”

“Yeah but this time it was bad, she was still crying when you stormed out.”

Sheila had referred to my brother’s big rehearsal as a ‘stupid rehearsal’ and with all that was going on from intimidatingly sexy Marv to Celeste’s eating disorder I snapped at her.

I told her the truth i.e. that I don’t love her and probably never will and she should deal with it and should have more self-respect and dignity for herself as she keeps crawling back to me despite me treating her like shit and only using her as a fuck.

She didn’t take it very well but it’s not the first time I’d given her this speech and it’s not the first time she’d answered with that whole this isn’t you speech, you’re not like this, you have feelings even though you don’t want to show them, what are you so afraid of?

After all the tears and the silent treatment for three days max she’d come back or send me a nude. It was always the same with her and honestly it wasn’t hot, it was sad.

“She’s a big girl she’ll be fine but enough about the girl drama in my life let’s talk about yours.”

“The only girl giving me drama is Mindy and from my Mindy experience I don’t think I ever want to be with a girl like ever.”

Billy had only ever dated two people in his life apart from me and that was Mindy and one of my sloppy seconds. He had three simple reasons; every girl he liked was most probably fucked by me, two small town girls equals to small town mind set and he’s not up for that and lastly Mindy’s a nightmare he doesn’t need another female in his life.

“Come on, grow up you can’t be jerking off forever.”

“I can and I will at least until my Marv shows up.”

“Wait what?”

I’d known Billy for years; he introduced me to porn the heterosexual kind.

“This is my big coming out to you moment, I actually thought I didn’t need to until Sheila brought up that you were oblivious to my sexuality this afternoon.”

“What made you think that?” I ask feeling a big stupid that I hadn’t noticed my best friend’s into guys.

“I don’t know maybe because I’ve drunk groped you a couple of times not to mention kissed you.”

“All drunken incidences that neither of us talk about because we both understand that being drunk kind of blurs everything together including feelings and platonic brotherly love can become I want to make out with you love.”

“I hope you’re not freaked out or anything now.”

“I actually don’t care at this point,” I realise then take a long draw from the quarter smoked joint.

“You’ve got it bad,” he shakes his head.

“I love her.”

It feels good to say it out loud to someone.

“Did you tell her that?”

Recalling our conversation I believe my words were ‘I think I’m falling in love with you’.

“Not exactly,” I answer and he just shakes his once more.

“I’m going to crash in the guest room, I’ll give you some time to think about how you telling her you love her is going to affect your relationship and if you think it’s worth taking the risk.”

He stands and just waves at me before heading back into the house. At least it’ll be the four of us for breakfast tomorrow. I just hope Kyle doesn’t wake up before the whole world again.

After finishing my joint I make my way back into the house and to my room where I just strip and lay under the covers.

I’m going to tell her I love her tomorrow then I’m going to tell her she shouldn’t respond now and we should discuss it when she’s back and that I just want her to know that I am completely and utterly in love with her.

I think it’ll give her a minute or two to cool off and we can decide what this means for us now.

There’s a seventy percent chance she’ll say that we should just stop seeing each other, a twenty five percent chance she’ll say that we should stop seeing each other but I’ll convince her to let our agreement to continue because I’ll have her anyway she’s willing to give me then there’s the five percent chance that she’ll agree to try this boyfriend and girlfriend thing.

Whether or not she does want me in her life won’t impact the way I handle her eating issue. I don’t think I can label it a disorder just yet but it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

I sincerely care about her and I want her to see what I see each time I look at her. I’ve honestly never felt this way about anyone before and it scares me how she’s willing to risk her health to look just like every other girl in this small town.

I genuinely want her to be happy with herself and no matter what she decides on her feelings for me shouldn’t impact my feelings for her at all. It will hurt to be around her if she bluntly rejects me and it may take me a few mindless fucks with random girls to get a fraction of her out of my system or at least just show to her that I’m through with her to actually be able to be around her again but for her happiness my misery will be worth it.

Besides she also makes Kyle happy and even though she’s not an ideal role model she plays the role of mother figure perfectly to him and me cutting all ties with her might jeopardise their relationship.

However this might mean keeping in contact with Marv, he seems to know her so well. It did only take him less than two hours with her to find out that she hasn’t been eating. He also seems to have a way with her, the way she allowed him to feed her and the fact that she was willing to be a vulnerable version of herself around him shows that he has quite the influence on her and might know ways to keep her eating and he did seem so sure of himself being able to get her to eat this week that she’ll be spending at home.

I just hope she doesn’t hand me my heart crushed on a silver platter, she should at least let me down a bit more gentler than she wants to.

This year is going to be one hell of a shit storm.


I already start regretting the day before I get to live it. I had three nightmares last night and the last one haunted me the most. She told me that she didn’t want to be with me because she was still in love with Marv and that was the real reason why she didn’t want me and it had nothing to do with my theories of her fear of being hurt again as Marv said he ‘messed up’ with her.

I still had the intention of calling her today but I needed some food in me first.

I picked up a pair of pants from the floor and made my way downstairs to make us all breakfast. Kyle walked in just before I had started cracking the eggs. My intention was to make scrambled eggs and cereal I didn’t have the motivation to make waffles but Celeste was right his face is adorable and can guilt anyone into anything even preparing an extra dish for breakfast.

“Want waffles?” I asked.

“Nah, cereal and eggs will be fine any news on Celeste’s grandfather.”

“Oh yeah he’ll be getting out of hospital today.”

“Has she arrived yet?”

“I think so I’ll have to contact her and check if she has.”

He moves to the kitchen island and jumps up to sit on one of the high stools. “Does that mean she’ll be back earlier?”

“I don’t know I’ll have to ask her.”

She’d be here for his performance meaning she’ll probably be here on Thursday or Friday itself.

“Are you two going to get married?”

The question takes me by surprise but I hide it.

“Isn’t she your future wife?”  I ask smiling.

“Well if she marries you, she can be like my mum and you can be like my dad.”

“I’m your brother Kyle, I’m always just going to be your big brother, yes I’ll take care of you but I’m not your dad and if we got married Celeste would be like your sister not your mum.”

“Do you want to marry her?”

“I’m only nineteen I don’t think about marriage.”

“I’m only seven yet I know I’m most likely going to end up marrying Mindy and we won’t have any kids because Mindy doesn’t like kids.”

It was precious moments like this that assured me my raising him hadn’t completely screwed him up and he still had childish unrealistic dreams. Mindy might be three and a half feet of cute adorable fluffiness but the exterior was only a disguise for the eight foot monster that lie within waiting to be set free to wreak misery unto the world.

She might be only seven but from the number of fights she’d gotten into school and for the reasons why it was evident she was going to be terror itself when she grew up.

I adored Mindy like a little sister but I hoped that if she didn’t grow out of it that they only remain friends otherwise she’s going to turn his sweet soul into a puddle of darkness.

Breakfast was delightful for the most part and Mindy and Kyle disappeared to some corner of the house and Billy left for work. During the day I could leave them here alone but to be honest I had nothing to do so I might do some homework or call Celeste and ask her how she’s doing.

Maybe I should wait her out see how long it’ll take her to call me. No her grandfather will probably be discharged soon or is already discharged that would be insensitive of me.

I go for the former there’s some trig that needs my attention right now and has been begging for it since it was dished out Friday but I was too excited that I’d be seeing Celeste that night that I’d forgotten all about it.

I took a break from the cosine when it was time to make lunch for the future couple that had refused to go for a shower after playing in the mud. We had agreed that if they didn’t they wouldn’t get to taste my famous pasta with cheese and mince.

Being the person taking care of Kyle most of the time had forced me to learn how to cook quite well especially cause of how picky he was with food and wouldn’t eat most of what was given to him especially if I burnt it even a little.

I left the pasta in the pot and waited for them to come in so I can dish out for them a little for myself and go back to trig.

They eventually showed up and I was glad Mindy had learned quite early how to shower on her own and Kyle didn’t like me bathing him claiming it made him feel like a kid he’s seven, three years from ten he can shower on his own.

I only started taking my own baths when I was eleven but he doesn’t need to know that and I don’t think I would’ve if mum hadn’t gotten pregnant and gotten lazy with the task. She only became like this after Kyle was born, she’d gotten a promotion at the company she was working at and it monopolised all of her time.

I dished out for them and left them to eat. I came back later on to clear their dishes then decided to take a nap.

I woke up at eight and absolutely hated myself for not waking up because now I hadn’t made them supper. I didn’t even know if Mindy was still here or if Billy had come at some point to pick her up.

When I checked the phone there was a missed call from him and a text saying they’re safe and with him he took them out to eat, didn’t want to wake me once he realised I was out.

There was a bunch of other texts calling me to this party that would apparently be going down at Jay’s house. Jay was one of the many dicks at my school that treated girls like shit but were female favourites.

Nothing from Celeste

If this was any other night I would’ve gone to the party, I mean I had no Kyle to worry about there were going to be girls it was my atmosphere but I’d made myself a promise.

She answered on the fourth ring but I couldn’t hear her just really loud music, there was a bit of shuffling until the music died down and she was much clearer.


“It’s Alec.”

“I know I saved your number,” she giggles. She’s totally wasted.

“Are you drunk?”

“Yeah Kali said we should throw a small party then Marv suggested we play a drinking game but I think I’m only just buzzed why?”

“I don’t think this should be said to you while you’re drunk.”

“I probably won’t like it if I’m sober.”

“You’re right you won’t like it but you need to sober.”

“I’m not entirely drunk I can still hold a coherent conversation with you.”

“Well I have to tell you something,”

“You’re pregnant?” she asks and I can feel the teasing smirk on her lips.

“Not yet, I don’t think so,” I answer liking that she’s playful.

“Then don’t sound so grim just say it.”

“I know this is probably wrong timing with all that’s going on but I realised something yesterday Celeste, I don’t think I’m falling in love with you,” I pause for the dramatic effect before I continue, “I know I’m in love with you.”

It feels much easier to say because I’m not looking into her eyes.

“You were right it’s wrong of me to tell you how you feel so I’m going to tell you how I feel,” she says then sucks in a breath. “I don’t love you at least not like that anyway, you’re a nice guy and you’re quite easy on the eyes but I don’t even think I’m in the correct emotional space for a relationship. I’ve got shit to sort out and I honestly like you but as a friend and I’m attracted to you yes but not like that.”

I was prepared for this but doesn’t mean it hurts any less. “Is it because you’re still in love with Marv?”


“Do you love him though?”

“Yes and I’ll always love Marv, he was my first everything, he’s the first person who ever made me actually feel like a girl and in some way he introduced me to my body in a way I didn’t know before, he introduced me to love and heartbreak. I’ll always love Marv but that doesn’t mean he’ll hold me back from falling in love with other people.”

I don’t know if it would’ve stung more if she still loved him but I’m pretty sure it’s worse knowing that she’s not even in love with someone else or she loves me she just loves him more the simple truth is she just doesn’t love me.

“I think I understand.”

“Look, if you don’t want our arrangement to continue I’m okay with that. I’ll find someone else if it makes you uncomfortable but I won’t lie to you that I have extra feelings when I don’t.”

“I’ll get back to you on that one.”

I hang up before she can crush my soul more.

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced any pain like this before.

It’s like she just chewed me up and spat me out or just stomped all over me. She doesn’t even try to call back.

I can’t believe I did this to so many girls. I can’t believe this is what I do to Sheila each time yet she still persists. All I want to do right now is nothing. I have no desire whatsoever to do anything apart from get rid of this pain that’s currently decaying me from the inside out.

There’s no other person who’s ever known me like she has yet she doesn’t love me.

All those other girls know a fraction of me yet they plan our weddings or how many kids we have and some of them probably even have altars with my face planted on them.

Maybe that’s the only way that I can be loved; censored.

My own parents couldn’t give two shits about me, my dad would rather be risking his life flying a plane every day and my mother dropped me the moment she got something, first it was Kyle then it was the job.

They knew my true nature and maybe my true nature works as a repellent and those girls only stay because they know the notorious Alec Kane, the boy who leaves weeping hearts and vaginas in his wake.

That’s the Alec Kane that was lovable, the Alec Kane that had Sheila coming back over and over again. I was going to find that Alec Kane again and I was going to become comfortable in his skin again.

Tonight’s party was just the perfect place for him to shine.


I think humans have this mad obsession to be loved and liked and sometimes that results in them jeopardising all the best things about them. There are some parts of you that people may sometimes not accept or like but doesn’t mean they’re bad.

This also doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be a total bitch to people and claim that Sasha said that just because it’s a part of me people don’t like doesn’t mean it’s bad. Being a bitch doesn’t make you unlovable but it does make you hard to love.

However I mean those other parts of you that people don’t like, people usually hide stuff about themselves and it’s good to have parts of yourself hidden in the wise words of Brandy Alexander the most boring thing in the world is nudity but there are things I’m not ashamed of showing like and this is a bad example but I’m not afraid of rapping along to a Kendrick Lamar song in public but if someone plays one direction despite knowing all the lyrics I will make a face and pretend I hate it because I honestly believe listening to one direction will tarnish my image in some way shape or form. I mean it’s one direction, a boy band with music for teenage hormonal girls, I’m quite embarrassed but I know I shouldn’t be.

So as a me project I'll post a screenshot of me listening to one direction.

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