Part-Time Writer Dairy

Just my life writing about things I can't say out loud and thinking my way through problems


12. Entry 12

July 26, 2018


I don't know if I am scared or really happy. I mean I'm happy because we are finally here! We just spent the whole day in a truck driving here, but now what do I do? Wait until I go to sleep and wake up in the morning to get dressed and go check out this college? What if they make fun of me? I mean I know that sounds so childish but I have to worry about that. Because it happens to me all the time. I know that here I seem much better, much more open. Like I'm happy when I'm writing on here. I'm not the same person in, well, person. In person, I am much more of a shy and very scared girl. I can't talk to people the way I can talk on this site. I keep telling myself to not be afraid of my own voice, but I am. It's a fear I can't get over it. And my job really is pushing my limits with it. I guess that's why I need to have it. Because without it I just can't be social. I only met my friend that I used to go to school with because of a teacher on my first day. And I want to thank that teacher so much every day for doing that. But now she left and I realized how much I need a friend around to talk to, but I just don't trust people.

I guess that is why I really want to be in Colorado. I feel like I need a fresh start and my mother and father don't get that. They are trying to get me to go to school there so they are nearby. But I can't do it. If I don't move from there I will be stuck there for the rest of my life, surviving but not living life. That is why even if we didn't come here, to Iowa I would have still come here on my own for college. It gets lonely stuck in your own head without someone to pull you out. Sometimes I wonder who will sit near me when the darkness falls again and then I remember that the only two people that are willing to join me there to help me come back aren't here with me. One was... She was supposed to join me. She was supposed to cross the stage with me. She was supposed to help me. And I for her. But that didn't happen. I can't get away from the darkness that is in me now like I could before. It's like she was the wall helping keep it at bay, so when she left the wall came down and with it every memory, and thought, and feeling. And yet that day she left I was numb. I couldn't feel more then what was already go on around me. It was something about it that I couldn't get over. And now the only thing that I have of her is a bracelet that she made me and I haven't taken it off in three years. 

Well, I have to go and get some sleep before tommorow starts. Good night for now. I promise to update tommorow night, or whenever I can.

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