Confessions of a Private School Girl Entering the Real World

A diary of a private school girl's first year in the real world with real people. It's a wreck, let me just say that now, a complete and utter mess.

Contains sex, love, drugs and all things in between. Warning some people may get triggered.

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6. 15th June 2018 - 26th June 2018

I apologize that I haven't updated those of you who give a shit about what's happening in my very fucked up life if anyone even does. I have just been very depressed lately and it is hard to motivate myself at times to do things, hence the VERY overdue update.

 

I spend most of my nights crying and upset because my life is just so all over the place and I know that it is normal being freshly out of high school and all but it is just so overwhelming, everything is so overwhelming and even though I have far more people around me than I did last year, I feel so much more alone and I feel so lonely. I just feel isolated. I am tired of always being the person that people lean on and come to for support but when I need it I have no one.

 

Anyway onto the mess I call my life. The good shit is June 23rd/24th.

 

Friday June 25th I went out with my friends Norma and Hugo. We went to the hyper-sexual gay club/bar. I didn't have the greatest time since the vibe was dead and Hugo saw pretty much every guy he absolutely hates. We had a drink before we caught the bus into the club sector. Guess who gets on the bus? Rain. So him and I were sitting together and he had his arm around me and was stroking my arm and we were just talking. He removed Babydoll off snap chat. I don't know if I previously mentioned but they dated for like 2 months in 2017, during these 2 months they only saw each other and pecked once. She talked about it like it was 6 months and it was so intense but it wasn't. He also technically cheated on her which he revealed to me awhile ago, but he said he did it because he knew she didn't actually have feelings for him and it was over but does that really make it okay? He slept with 2 girls and hooked up with many more at the end of school just before the officially broke up. I can reveal that she didn't really have feelings for him and was still in love with her ex, however the day before she met her current boyfriend was begging for his attention and stated she thought she had feelings for him. Anyway back to the present story. We got to the clubbing sector and went out separate ways. Norma got very drunk and kept grabbing my head and pecking me on the lips, she also tried to do it to Hugo but he was not having it. It was just annoying, she is a really annoying and full on drunk. I just didn't have a good time and neither did Hugo, also because B decides to snap me some suicidal shit and it just stressed me out. He knew I was going out and he purposely did it, he knows I would drop anything for him, so he starts going on about how he doesn't want to live anymore and all of this and then when I say how much I care about him he leaves me on seen. It hurts so fucking badly. We left and we went into a sex shop since Norma was adamant that since almost getting over her shame about sex, we should. Oh my gosh was that an experience I do not want to live again. It was just all exposed and just I will pass on that one and some chick from my class actually works there and it was just all levels of awkward and never again. It just wasn't a place for me but Norma really enjoyed herself so good on her.

We left to go catch the 2am train and Hunter and his friends happened to be taking the same line as us even though the other train line would be cheaper and quicker?? Anyway we went to sit with them and he was drunk and immediately was grabbing at me. It was funny and we were all having fun that is until he decided to choke me on the train for laughs which wasn't funny at all. He apologized for it all later but it was just uncomfortable and weird. It was fun though like I didn't even notice when the train started moving. I didn't think about B at all. 

 

Fast forward to the following Saturday because I will not bore you with the rest of the following week since nothing really happened.

 

June 23rd/24th...

As you may remember I mentioned how I was talking to B's friend Justin... awkward. Anyway Hugo, Ashley and I went to the club they both like to frequent. When we got there we met up with Hunter and his friends and he was even more dunk then last week, like I actually think he has a drinking problem, he has mentioned before how he uses alcohol as a coping mechanism which isn't healthy. Anyway he kept hugging me and saying stuff like 'I just don't want to lose you' and he kept kissing my neck and cheek and it was just weird, like I think I may have feelings for him but they are no where near as strong as the feelings he has for me. I am just super confused. Anyway Ashley and I ended up having to take care of him and send him home in an uber because he threw up everywhere and he just couldn't deal. before we took him outside I had the biggest panic attack because B and I saw each other and he completely ignored me. It hurt so badly I just had to get out. I was so angry I snapped him something like 'I Fucking hate everyone in here' to which he replied and I explained and he said he didn't see me because he is soooo fucked. Anyway while I was attending to Hunter, B was snapping me asking me to come see him to kiss him and that is the only place I wanted to be, while Justin was snapping me asking where I was. I ended up leaving them after we got Hunter into an Uber and went and found B, he was taking care of his crying friend because she saw the guy she likes hook up with someone else... How ironic. Anyway we talked and he kissed me in front of her, he full on made out with me, he tasted like spearmint gum and it was just, I loved it. He left to take her to Justin's and told me not to leave because he would be back. So I went back to find the others and we went outside and got food where Justin was, but he didn't see me, I saw him though. About 20 minutes later, B comes back and I go find him, that chick is still hanging around him and he starts kissing me, then he got more intense and started grabbing my ass. He asked me to go to the park near by with him to just chill and make out so we left, he held my hand but I knew from the way he was holding it that he would never be serious about me. He put his arm around me since it was freezing and slipped is hand under my bra. I don't know why but I make the worst decisions with him. We went to the park and we were making out and things got hot and heavy and we went somewhere more private and things got heavier, He pulled down his pants a bit and things just flowed, and then I did something I haven't done before, a blowjob, ah I am cringing so hard writing this. It wasn't as bad as expected and I wasn't uncomfortable with him. We then went over to a bench so he could smoke and I sat on him which really drove him crazy, we made out so passionately to say the least. We walked to somewhere more private and he started talking about his depression, letting me in a bit but then he asked

"Have you slept with anyone other than me"

To which I obviously said no and so he says.

"Why not?"

Oh that hurt so badly. Like obviously he had been sleeping with other girls, I figured but it hurt so badly actually being told flat out as well as the fact he knows I have had massive issues since I was assaulted when I was younger which caused me to believe I was asexual for several years of my life up until I met him.

 

We went into some trees and bushes and started making out again, things escalated and obviously he was also giving not just receiving. I took my pants off and got on top of him and we had violent as fuck sex. Like he choked me so hard and it was just so intense but I really loved it, he went really hard and we went for like an hour. He eventually moved behind me and choked and pulled my hair at the same time like dammmm and finished there. He helped me get dressed and that's when things got weird, he mentioned how he was going back to his friend's house

"The one you've been flirting with."

I was like oh hell nah. and he was all like 'I dont care' and ouchhhh that hurt so badly like I don't know how I wasn't just crying there. We started talking about friends and how I would cut his dick off if he tried it with my friends and he goes 'not like you're friends are hot anyway.' Like excuse me you little shit what?? It was just a bad conversation and I said like it isn't that Justin isn't lovely, I am just not ready and I sure as hell am not ready to have sex with someone else after thinking I was asexual for several years like I'm still working out myself, plus I have biological issues of having a small vagina, as well as the fact that that stems from trauma from an assault.  Like he knows all this because we talked about it many times. He also said that I flirt with Rain but he was so defensive on this one like I believe he is threatened by Rain. He also told me that on this day, Justin realized who I was and yet he was still trying to meet up with me?? We walked back and he kissed me goodbye in front of my friends and left, they knew literally everything that happened I didn't even have to tell them. We then went back to mine and that was that. 

 

About a day later he asked me how I was and I was like good but still have that after sex feeling (I mean its the third time something has been up there like I can't even use tampons so give a girl a break). He mocked the shit out of me, despite knowing all my issues and how it has taken me so long to even face them. That sent me off crying. I flat out told him that was nasty and he inverted the situation and made himself the victim. Like fuck off. I am still so angry about it.

 

I think things are really over between us though since he has made 0 effort to reply to any of my stories directed at him or messaging me or trying to see me and it hurts because well I love him and he truly is the first boy I have ever had these feelings for.

 

I am just so conflicted over it all. It just hurts so much and I spend so many hours crying over him.

 

 

 

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