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3. Blind







We all never see the true value of someone until that person becomes a memory or a string of letters on your snapchat screen. I know this, because believe me, I have lost multiple people who I loved, and still love the most. Every time I message those people, I feel refreshed, brand new and stronger and those vibes are the reason why the 'Old Amaan Is Gone.' Them two people know who they are, my greatest hits are based on my friendship with them, and all I can say is distance means so little when you guys mean so much.   


I took a glance into the mirror while adjusting my school tie. I did not know the person who stared back. Who was he? A bisexual, attention seeking man-slut according to the rest of the world. Someone of fickle friendships. A snake. Someone who treats everyone like whores. His brain was apparently nothing but a working mechanism of inappropriate filth and he knew nothing more than being overly-proud of his body and his favorite hobby was twerking. That was the person who stared back. He looked incredibly sad to be trapped into that mirror, as he mimicked my every move and I was kind of stunned to see that after everything he has been through, he was still in one piece. He must have been mentally strong to tackle all the hate he received for being himself, for just living life to the full. That is when I understood. He did not twerk for attention. He was not someone of fickle friendships- he was just trying to find his perfect friend who would not leave his side, unlike all the other friends he tried. He was not dirty minded- just more creative and had different interests and saw the world differently. He is not a salty savage either, just writes down his emotions and thoughts online and shares it with the rest of the world without the intention of hurting anyone's feelings. He sounded just like me. He was a reflection of who I was- quite literally. Only difference was how I saw myself. Someone who loves his friends unconditionally, but looses them as fast as they come, someone who hides his pain deep down until it becomes unbearable and floods out onto an online writing platform. Someone who loves a good prank now and then, but knows the limits. Only if everyone else saw me for who I was, not for my reflection. 


People are blinded by everything I do, but dont concentrate on every other aspect of my persona. They dont really understand me, even if they do claim to. I love my friends, but they always end up snaking me off and I never speak to them again because I'm not someone to stay in a toxic friendship. My true friends always somehow end up separating from me. First Haris, then Yusuf and I highly doubt Husnain is going to stay much longer too. I have had enough of letting people I love float away into the distance, living their own lives as I stumble onto my next 'to be' friend. Its tiring. Its monotonous. I just dont want another separation. I need someone permanent. But the only people that come with that promise are the three who I mentioned. Haris kept me happy in my dark times, always there to support me when I needed him and even though my parents thought he was a bad influence, everyone has a ray of good inside them, and I could see his ray burning bright. Yusuf accepted me for who I was but at the same time wanted the best out of me. He loved me so much that he did not hesitate to point out my faults and flaws and told me how to be a better person. He understood me like a brother. Husnain has decided to stick with me strong, despite my stained reputation at school. It says a lot that he truly loves me and that the friendship is true if he knows every flaw about me, but still thinks me as his older brother. I already explained the Haris separation in 'Feud', 'Catching Fire 'and 'Tear Drops', I described the Yusuf separation in 'Ressurection' and 'I'm So Sorry' and now to think that Husnain might be gone in 4 months gives me very little hope.

If I were to list all the ridiculous things people say about me, the phrase ' He is too proud about his body' would be up first. I admit that my body is in top shape and that I have no problem talking positively about it, but the fact that everyone thinks I'm arrogant about it is really offensive. They think I'm showing off, like the day at school, when it was non-school uniform, I decided to come shirtless. I agree that if my body was different, I would not have thought to attend school half-naked, but just because I'm happy with my body shape and I have an edgy taste to clothes does not make me arrogant. 

The shirtless incident also caused quite a buzz in the gossip department. Everyone said that I just wanted it for attention, and for girls, and to show off and other motives. The truth is, I think it is really important to be different. Everyone is different, and I was just expressing a fashion tend. The whole idea was that, ' You dont need the newest Gucci, Adidas or Puma. The main attraction is just yourself.' I took that vibe into my wardrobe quite literally to show how the main attraction WAS MYSELF, since everyone took note of my half-naked body and toned muscles in the classrooms. Everything I do has a meaningful purpose to it, even if the action itself causes scandal. I have an edgy fashion taste where 'less is more' and I'm comfortable showing a bit too much skin. Not because I want people staring at me, but because I love my taste and I'm expressing it openly. 


Rise From The Ashes...

The Amaan that everyone knew had a mental disorder- moderate depression. He wrote stories online to get it off his chest and had multiple episodes in school, in front of his friends, teachers and family. I just want to say thank you to the person who wanted the best for me in mosque, and even though it upset him to know I wanted to leave, he kept me going and kept me happy. I know we will see each other again soon. Thanks to you, I feel fresh and I doubt any flicker of depression will attack me again, as long as I think about how much you mean to me. Its a brand new start for me so yeah, thank you!

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