Is this love?

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  • Published: 21 May 2018
  • Updated: 22 May 2018
  • Status: Complete
Looking back, I can see why people would call me a slut. But that sure as hell doesn’t give them the right to do it.
They broke me. Can I ever be fixed again?


4. Hurting

My best guy friend held his birthday 8 months after the whole BD incident.
You guessed right, BD was at the party. We drank a lot. It was a crazy houseparty. We weren’t many girls. But one of my girls was so drunk she had to leave early. BD followed me and my girlfriend out to the cab. He just helped her get in the cab and we explained to the driver where she had to be dropped off. They drove off. I went inside. I didn’t really want to talk to him.
Just as I was entering the garage, he grabbed my arm. He asked me how much a polar bear weighs. I didn’t know. He then said it weighed enough to break the ice and the he kissed me. He kissed me hard. I was kind of happy, but I didn’t want to show it. I wouldn’t let him have that. We then reentered the party, acting like nothing happened. We kept looking at each other from across the room. I smiled, he smiled.
He grabbed my arm in the middle of the living room, in front of everybody. He dragged me upstairs. I wanted him, I did. We went to my friends room and started kissing. He then locked the door. I laid me on the bed. This is when it hit me. He wanted to have sex with me. I didn’t want to. I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough for him. I was afraid that something went wrong. He took of my clothes. He complimented my underwear. I didn’t want to go any further. I said no. I said no. no. no. NO. He kept going. Suddenly he stopped. I was relived. He said he had to pee. I said ok. I wasn’t happy. I was shook. He closed the door as he went downstairs to pee. He said I should stay where I was. I was lying on the bed. I could hear him talking to the other guys, they were laughing because he had to pee. They knew what went down in here. I rushed to get dressed. I had just put my shoes back on as he came in the door again. He locked the door again. His guys were just outside. He took of my clothes again. He didn’t seem to notice that I had put it back on. He then started to penetrate me. I said no. Again. He kept going. He came. My body was dead. I took my clothes back on. I just went outside. My friend said her sister was there to pick us up. I went to the car. My friend was so mad at me, because she thought I wanted to have sex with him. I didn’t. She told me not to talk the whole ride home, because she didn’t want to talk to me. I had nothing to say. So I just sat there, in the car, looking out the window. I wasn’t thinking. I was just looking at myself. I wasn’t in my own body. I went to bed at just slept. I tried to forget this. But I can never forget this.

He broke me.

He broke my heart.

Why do I still wonder how he is doing?

I will never forgive myself, but why do I find it so easy to forgive him?

Everyone I´ve ever been with, has nothing on him. I can barely remember the other guys. He stands out. The guy i weren´t dating, but still managed to break my heart.

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