The Cycle of Love

"Please don't ever stop loving me."

"Never, not even when I take my last breath."

Cover Photo Curtesy of: Rebecca Botin

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One Therapy London - 25 May 2018 - Present Day

It's been a month since I lost him. Every morning I wake up and roll over, expecting to see his smiling face staring over at me through the rays of the rising sun outside. Instead of finding him there I find an empty, cold spot of barely wrinkled sheets. Nowadays I set my alarm an hour before I have to be up, just so I can lay there and think about him, reminisce on all the good times. Ultimately, my hour in bed always turns into a sob-fest when I'm left with the memory of that day.

I miss the way he would wake me up every morning, the way he'd pull me close and hold me tight, hell I even missed his God awful morning breath and the way he'd pester me on the days I didn't have work until after noon.

Today I awoke only to be greeted with lightning lighting up the unusually dark skies, whilst rain pours heavily onto the pavement outside. His side of the bed was wrinkled from my tossing and turning body finding solace on his pillow, wrapped in the plush blanket I bought him last Christmas. I just knew from the moment I opened my eyes that it would be a bad day, a continuation of the awful evening the night before.

"Maisie, Dr. Alan will see you now."

Rather than bundling everything inside until I'm pouring out everything like an emotional flood-gate, I decided to sign up for therapy a week after I lost him. I couldn't contain my rage I had towards the world or my depression I had for losing my husband. James would have wanted me to move on and if that meant going to see a therapist every once and awhile, I was going to do it. 

"Good morning, Maisie. Is everything alright? You seemed pretty upset over the phone."

When I had called her last night to make an emergency appointment I was a emotional mess, practically demanding Dr. Alan to see me as soon as possible. In hindsight, I was probably being overly-dramatic, but that didn't change the fact that I did need to speak with her.

Dr. Alan motions for me to take a seat on the sofa across from her whilst she gathered her trusty notebook and reading glasses. With a soft sigh, I take a seat and fold my shaking hands in my lap. As if on que, a rumble of thunder echoes throughout the sky before a flash of lightning can be seen lighting the sky.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I was in state of shock, I think." My voice cracks as if I haven't spoken in years, which isn't really surprising. I don't talk much anymore, not unless I'm being spoken to or it's absolutely crucial that I say something. "I received some news last night, that I wasn't expecting, and in order to let it process I felt the need to talk with you." Dr. Alan simply nods at me and motions for me to continue.

I open my mouth a couple of times, trying to get the words to just spill right out, but it feels as if they're blocked, like they can't escape. It's almost as if I say the words aloud, then it'll be set in stone.

"I miss him so much." Tears fall down my cheeks, the words not being what I had wanted to say, but they still remain true. "And, uh, I thought I was beginning to find peace in his death, but every time I try I'm just reminded that he shouldn't be dead.

"Yesterday I had a good day. I went to work, I didn't force a smile, one came naturally. Bloody hell, I think I even laughed a little. It was the first day that I didn't think about James every second of the day. Part of me feels like I've betrayed him for forgetting him, but the other part of me knows he would want me to be happy."

"You do deserve to be happy, Maisie." Dr. Alan finishes jotting notes down briefly to make eye contact with me. I shy away from her caring stare and wipe the tears off my face, the skin burning lightly from my harsh touch. "Just because you don't think about James every second of the day doesn't mean you've forgotten him. He holds a special place in your heart and in your mind to ensure that you never forget who he was and everything about him. I suggest you take a moment out of your -"

"I'm pregnant." The words just tumble out of my mouth, interrupting Dr. Alan mid-sentence. Now instead of sad tears, I have happy tears coming into the mix. "We had talked about having children someday, but we weren't trying. I'm happy, unbelievably happy because I've always wanted kids, but I feel guilty for being happy."

I'd always wanted to have children, as an only child growing up I felt like I missed out. My friends who had siblings always thought I was the lucky one for never having anyone that would get on my nerves or steal my thunder. But I always wanted one or two. Thus the dream to have a big family was born.

As soon as I saw the results of the multiple pregnancy tests, I screamed. I couldn't believe what I was seeing; I didn't think it was possible. I thought that the Gods above were playing some kind of sick joke on me. How dare they take the only person I've ever truly loved away from me and then rub it in my face that I'd be having his baby without his love and support. I still had that mindset.

"Think of it this way, Maisie," Dr. Alan starts, after a few moments of reassuring words to get me to calm down slightly, "you'll have a part of him to hold, to raise, and to love. Some women in your position like to see this as a gift from their loved one. Believe what you want about the afterlife, but I like to think that since James can't be with you physically he's blessed you with this life that will be part him and part you. I believe that a child is one example of true love between two people."

Through her words I continue to cry, letting out everything that I've been keeping inside since falling victim to sleep last night.

"I'll be all alone."

"You'll have your child and you'll have those around you that will be there for you and support you. You have your friends and James' parents. You will not be alone through any of this, Maisie." For the first time since losing James, I start to not feel as alone as I had.

My hand delicately hovers over my flat stomach as if I could feel the life that was being formed inside me. A life that was formed from pure, unconditional love with the man that I fell head over heels in love with in the course of a few weeks time. He or she would be the symbol of my love with James.

Every time I'll look at him or her the memories I shared with James will cross over my vision; from our meeting, our first date, the day we got engaged, our wedding day, all of our happiest memories for me to be reminded of and for me to share with our child.

James had died, but that didn't mean he was gone from my life, our lives, forever. He would be by my side for the rest of my life and love me, just as he had promised so long ago.

 

The End.

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