Back To September

The leaves fell like puzzle pieces falling into place, that warm September day.

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1. BACK TO SEPTEMBER

My eyes constantly wander aimlessly around my bedroom every night. The walls always begin to melt as my thoughts escalate. The room fades to where it almost always does. That precious day back in early September. By that point I’d already made a few mistakes that I had been hypocritically, unfairly, and immaturely targeted and persecuted for. Although, everything wasn’t nearly as horrible back then as it is now. Back then I thought things were as rough as they could get. I had no idea they’d get worse. I can still hear the screams of my best friend and her other friends that I hadn’t met until that day, echoed along with laughter. But there was one person in particular I was purposely trying to avoid. I couldn’t help it, can you blame me? He’d most likely end up resenting me like the rest. I knew him, we were friends. Yet, something about seeing him in person for the first time caused my body to react in a way it never had before, and for the first time in my life I was honestly, and legitimately nervous. I knew all too well what they all said about me. I know he’s heard the rumors. Maybe I was right to be paranoid. Or maybe I wasn’t, and in reality that’s all it really was: Paranoia. We all sat down at a creaky little black table that could clearly only fit around four people. We quickly engulfed into hilariously genuine and memorable conversation that I’ll never forget. The way their faces lit up when they talked to one another, and when they made each other laugh. The happiness that radiated was as if making each other smile was winning the lottery.  My best friend had some amazing friends, and I saw that for the first time that day. I was glad to know my best friend was well taken care of. Then, the one I’d been attempting to avoid muttered; “I wish I could be serious with someone, like Sam is with Tyler.” That sent a ripple effect of silence as he subtly looked at me. My best friend Samantha began to glance at me as well, and soon everyone followed the motion. Thankfully the awkwardness didn’t last long. He then asked if anyone wanted to walk with him to get something from the snack bar. Samantha quietly stopped one of her friends from getting up as I volunteered to go with him. She knew, and that scared me a little at the time. We walked without saying a word to each other until he broke the silence when we sat down to wait for his food soon after he ordered. “Are you and Cole dating?” He asked, referring to my best guy friend at the time. I could see the nervousness he got around me as he spoke. He stuttered, that’s for sure. Realizing I’d stayed quiet for a while, I bluntly said, “No.” He smiled so wide, and my stomach began to feel weird. But at the same time as he smiled, the worry didn’t leave his eyes. I could easily tell what he was thinking. It’s the same thing they all think, except usually; I wouldn’t care. This was different. I cared. I think the problem was that I cared too much.  I began to panic and become anxious. Why did I care so much about his opinion of me? I didn’t know him, at least not really. Nevermind the fact that my heart was pounding so fast I could’ve sworn it’d explode, and I could feel the blood boiling and rushing to my cheeks. I’d never been this vulnerable, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I cautiously, and nervously looked him in the eyes. That was the first time I really noticed their color. A deep, beautiful brown. I tried my best to stay as collected as I possibly could. I took a deep breath and then said, “I know what they say about me. But, I’m not like that.” He didn’t move his gaze as he softly yet confidently said, “I know.” We both smiled. When it was finally time for me to leave I walked backwards facing him as I yelled his name and waved goodbye.

 

I texted him soon after I’d gotten in the car.

 

That day replays in my mind over and over quite often.

Honestly, If I could go back in time to any day, I’d choose that one.

Because that was the day everything changed. And unfortunately it was for the better. Now, I say this because when good things happen they can be taken away, or ruined.


 

And that’s exactly what happened.

 

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