Beneath the Surface

We are swimming on the face of time and all else has drowned, is drowning, or will drown. - Henry Miller

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2. II

Like as the waves make towards the pebbl'd shore, so do our minutes, hasten to their end.             - William Shakespeare

     There are 365 days in a year and 1,440 minutes in a day; Sixty seconds in every minute. Such small numbers compared to the infinite number scale but, in those small numbers lies 365 new opportunities and 1,440 chances to accomplish them. We tend to forget how much each and every second is worth. Before we even know, days and months pass by. Time does not change a person: A person has to physically change within the time. It doesn't matter if you failed your test, who is born and who dies, time will still carry on. Life will carry on to the very end. 

The moonlight spills through my blue curtains awaking me from my slumber. Glancing over at the clock resting on my bedside table, i groan. Why must I be up at this ungodly hour of the night? My eyelids are heavy with sleepiness. Never have i ever had trouble sleeping til now. Today is just not my day. This lack of sleep is literally ruining my mental stability. The human body thrives off of emotions and mental state. Emotions trigger chemical reactions in the body, that can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Emotions are essential to living. Peering out my window, the last rays of moonlight glisten upon the ocean front. It's all too beautiful. 5:43, the clock reads. Forcing myself out of bed, i slip on black shorts and a grey shirt. Entering the hallway careful of making too much noise, i slip down the grand staircase. Picking up my speed, i rush through the long hallway to the backdoor, grabbing a towel and a blanket. Finally making it outside, i head down to the ocean front and lay down the blanket. Taking in the view before me, i cannot help but notice how everything appears to be without any sign of living yet is in fact the opposite. The ocean is tingling with life. However, Some life is visible and some not, the view itself is simply breathtaking. It is home to more than two hundred and twenty-eight thousand species and millions more still remain undiscovered.  

Streaks of yellow and orange start to fill the sky as the sun rises. The first flock of birds make their rounds, welcoming the new day upon us. For what seemed like eternity, the sky went from a light, soft blue to a whole ray of colors varying from purple, yellow and orange. Yet was only a matter of minutes. No beauty can measure up to the scene i just witnessed. Gentle waves rocks against the shore as i approach the water, letting the water seep through my sandals and onto my toes. The water is warm and inviting. I am confident this is where i belong. Staring out into the distance i can't help but wonder about life beyond where I stand. There is so much to explore but, i am confined to this area. There are people i have yet to meet, they could be life changing for all i know. and boy do i need some life changing experience.

Gathering my stuff, i head back inside. "You're up early" a voice says, startling me from the haze i was in. "Couldn't sleep i guess." i mumble back in response. "Sorry about dinner last night-" he pauses then continues "Work came up." "Yeah some work that was. but no, it's cool, i understand." i interject, preventing him from continuing his sob story. He slides me a cup of coffee but i politely decline, for coffee gives me a headache. We stand in silence as he sips his beverage, at this moment in time i do feel as if i cannot physically move. Catching his gaze i clear my throat to disrupt the awkward silence. "I'll be gone till late tonight; will you be okay here by yourself?" he questions. "I'm 18 dad, and i think i can handle another night without you being here, I've done it before." i say as i start to head for the stairs. Not even half surprised he won't be here another night. That's all he does, throws himself into work. Trying to fill that void in his heart. He's so stuck on feeling sorry for himself, he can't even properly function as a human being, let alone a dad. Everyone copes with things differently than others but this is just unhealthy. There is supposed to balance in life. There should be time for work, romance, family and other activities, but for him it's just work, work, work. I'm sure he forgets he has a son. If I'm not talking money, I'm not talking at all. That's just how he works.  

     Sometimes i feel like I'm speaking a different language and everyone else is just saying things in response. Heading up the stairs i hear him mumble a series of apologies, not sure if they are aimed towards me or not, i ignore them anyways. I jump onto my bed and reach for my phone. Who am i kidding? No one's up at this time of day. It's Saturday for Chris sakes. I open up Instagram and scroll through the images. All these wannabe Instagram models flood my feed as i scroll further down and there she is. By far the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes upon. Nothing compares to her beauty. I click on her profile and start to scroll down memory lane. 

What a view. I'm not talking about the beach, although that as well is a beautiful sight to see. However, she is the real view. She looks so unbothered, anyone would be a true fool if they could not simply see her beauty. I wonder if I've ever crossed her mind as much as she crosses mine. This photo is one of the many I've taken of her. 

     

There is saying that has me pondering over everything," To know what someone fears of losing, watch what they photograph." Maybe that's what i feared the most? There is so little time to do everything, so i photographed every memory we had. I was so afraid of losing those precious memories, i forgot to live in the moment. Now i will never know what it's like to feel it again. Scrolling further down into her profile, my vision begins to blur and the ache in my chest grows deeper. "Stop doing this" i scold at myself.

Swiping out of Instagram, i set my phone down to search for my keys. I've just got to get out of here. I need to clear my head once again. Running down the stairs and into the garage to avoid my father once again, I approach my car. Hopping into the seat, i start the engine. Not sure of where i am going, I pull out of the driveway. Sometimes it feels as if the walls are closing in on me and I'm in such a short space. It all is really wounding. Pulling into a small coffee shop, i get out and head inside. It's a quiet, small place. The brick walls are decorated with small white lights, kind of like the ones you see at Christmas. The room is empty as i approach the front counter. i ring the bell that sits on the counter, and as I'm about to turn away a small voice yells from the back "Just a minute!" Moments later a tall blonde girl comes into view. "Sorry about that sir, what can i get you?" She says. Stepping back to view the menu again i decide on my meal. " May i have a large Chamomile tea and a chocolate scone please?" i say as i pull out my wallet. "Sure thing, that'll be $6.52 and we are waiting on the fresh batch of scones, i  can have someone bring them out to you, if you don't mind?" She says as i hand her the cash. I nod in response and mumble a small thank you. I Walk over to the small table and pull out my phone.

One text from Dario reads: Hey, we play at 7 in the west arena don't forget! - Dario. I roll my eyes at his text, no way i could forget a game, i am captain after all. But that's Dario for you, always trying to play the older brother. Without Alec, i guess Dario is the closest thing I've got. I mean i am beyond thankful for Dario, but he can go overboard. Interrupting my thoughts, a small voice interjects "Sorry to bother but you ordered the Chamomile tea and chocolate scone?" Looking up quickly i am shocked at what stands right in front of me. Stumbling to find the words i finally choke out " Yeah-yeah that's me."  She smiles down at me and hands my drink and scone over. Oh god her smile, i swear she just added ten years onto my lifespan. It's that smile that got me into trouble, but lord knows I'd do it all over again. "Thank you, Kadence." i say as i try to control the look on my face. Her she is. Right in front of me. "Anytime Emilio." she responds as she turns to head back into the kitchen. Wow is all i can think. Emilio. I haven't heard anyone call me that in a while, partially because she was the one who gave me the nickname. The way my name rolls off her lips is music to ears. No doubt, i am still head over heels for her. 

Looking up from my phone to steal a look at her every once in a while, i catch her doing the same. When her brown eyes meet my blue ones i can feel the heat rise in the room. Just talk to her, i think to myself. If only it were that easy. There is no way to even to pick up from where we last left off. She looks away from my gaze and quickly adjusts her hair and starts to scrub the tables. She's literally been scrubbing the same table for the last five minutes, though she thinks i don't notice. "Take a picture Emilio, it'll last longer," she sneers as she moves onto a new table finally. I laugh at her comment and mumble out an apology. Maybe if you talked to her, you wouldn't come off as such a creep.  My inner conscious speaks. He's right though, but i just can't, i wouldn't know what to say. When i talk to her it's different. Everything is different. She has a different mindset and agenda then everyone else. It is truly suffocating but also refreshing to talk to her. The room seemed to have grown hotter within minutes and it distracts me from my thoughts. 

Growing anxious, I look at the time it's a quarter till 9. Finishing my tea, i get up to throw it away and collect my things. Out of the corner of my eye i see her frown and i can hear her sigh. You should've at least said goodbye you ass. Mentally rolling my eyes at myself, i walk out the coffee shop and i am greeted with the cold refreshing air.  That's better. Stepping inside of my car, i start the drive back home. California traffic even this early in the morning is absolutely horrible. 

Pulling into my driveway, I head inside and go straight up to my room to grab my towel and shorts. Doing just that, i notice the note laying on my bed. I choose to ignore it the moment I read it's from my dad. I grab my stuff and head down stairs to the back. It's a bit chilly but I'll be fine. I walkout to the shore and let the water hit my feet. I find myself walking for a mile or two and start to head into a rather secluded area of the beach. This is like a my Zen place, also a good place for cliff diving. Looking out an over the ocean, the waves crash down below. Jump. Mentally rolling my eyes at myself, i step back from edge. Discarding my phone, i pull of my shirt and set it next to my towel. I'm probably going to regret this, but then again i regret a lot of things. Running up to ledge, i jump off. The fall is quick and before i can ever really react, i hit the cold water. Big mistake. 

The cold sharp water hits me and it feels like a thousand knives piercing through my skin. My body plunges deeper into the ocean as the water engulfs me. For a moment, the pain of actually hitting the water stops and leaves me feeling with the real pain. And the Feeling was just that: A feeling. I can feel the coldness surge through my body as a fall deeper into the currents. My head starts to pound and i can feel my lungs start to tighten, I need air. I try to swim up to the surface but the strong waves prevent me from doing so. If i don't come up soon, i won't be coming up at all. At this point, i am just tired, tired of all this swimming. Shaking my head out of all these negative thoughts, I start to push towards the surface, and luckily just in time, the waves start to calm and I am able to reach the surface. Popping up above the surface, i gasp for air. And boy does it feel good to breathe again. Fighting against the strong tide, i pull myself to a part of the shore. Still out of breath, i lay ashore. In those moments under water, it felt a bit peaceful, once you got past all the coldness and the strong pain building in your chest. My head is pounding and i can feel my eyelids grow heavy. I'll just rest a bit, no harm in resting right?

                                                                             ~~~~~

"Emiliano, Emiliano, wake up." i hear a voice in the distance say. I try to open my eyes but the sun burns them. Covering my eyes with my hand, i flutter my eyes open and look over at the voice calling my name. Dario, of course is hovering over me. "What is wrong with you? The game is in an hour and a half and you're napping on the beach." He says. Not believing his words, i try to sit up quickly but fall dizzy. "Is it really 5?" i say as i stand to my feet and he nods in response. Brushing off the sand, i start to head back up to the cliff to grab my phone. "How did you find me?" i add. "I called you like three times and then did find my iPhone since you wouldn't answer. " Dario says shooting me a glare but quickly smiles. Approaching the top of the hill, i feel dizzy again. I grab my phone and towel but as soon as I am about to get up, a wave of nausea comes over me. I start to hurl out this morning's meal. Dario rushes over to my side with a frantic look on his face. "What the hell man?" he says as he helps me to my feet. "I'm fine. I'm fine" i reassure him, although I'm sure I'm just reassuring myself at this point. Shaking it off, we head down to my house to get ready. "You look pale man, are you sure you're okay?" Dario questions. I only nod in response, I feel like if i were to say something i might have hurled again. 

Hopping in the bathroom for a quick shower, i look in the mirror. Dario was right, I look pale as a ghost. What has gotten into me lately? Starting the shower, i turn the water up to an extreme heat. Letting the hot water burn into my skin, a sense of relief is washed over me. I feel alive again. Resting my head onto the shower wall, i am suddenly tired. Just four more hours and you can come home and sleep it off. i subconsciously reassure myself. I wish to be like the prince in The Little Prince, he gets to watch 47 sunsets in one day. Sunsets may signal the ending to the day and maybe that's why people get sad when viewing them, saying goodbye is the hardest things to do, yet we do it so often. Dario once again interrupts my thoughts and warns me that it is nearly time to leave. Turning off the shower, i sigh and prepare myself for the pain i am going to endure these next four hours. 

Dario and i head out to the soccer fields as we spot our team waiting for us. We run over and quickly start to stretch. The team we are up against has about 3 of our best players from High school, but that doesn't worry us, Dario is ranked third nationwide of course, i am second. Our team was better than good, and i am confident it'll be a good game. As we finish stretching the referees call over the captains and we agree on the terms of playing, it's the basics they've been telling us since we were kids. Parting our ways from the refs and the other teams' captains, we for a huddle. Dario leads us through with a chant. And now it's game time. 

We start out on the playing field and the moment the refs blow the whistle, signaling game time, Dario dribbles the ball down the field and kicks it over to our other teammate as i wait for another assist. Finally, the ball comes into my view and i see Dario move as the defensive player, creating a rookie mistake, charges up to me leaving him wide open. I kick him the ball and he dribbled down further into the field and scores the first goal of the night. The crowd erupts in screams and cheers of joy. Signaling Dario, a plan for the next play, i run off to the mid field. Over and over again throughout the game, we score. 

The last few minutes of fourth quarter approaches, we are 9-6. The crowd grows wild as i score another goal of the night, I hear my nickname being called, and out of shock i look over into the stands. There she is. Standing there, cheering my name, just like the good old days. How is it that I am just noticing her? Because you are dumb. i shake my head at that comment towards myself and quickly smile in her direction. Not paying attention the the game in front of me, i hear Dario shout at me as the ball and a defensive player come flying out at me. Not moving quick enough, i am knocked to the floor, and that nauseating feeling comes back. My head is pounding and i swear for a minute the air is knocked out of me and i feel like a fish out of water. My hearing is jacked up as well because all i can hear are faint voices in the background of a high-pitched ring. Gasping for air, i feel like i am flopping around like a fish. My vision starts to blur as i see Dario come into view. From then, everything goes black. 

                                                                                ~~~~~~

" Is he going to be okay?" A voice speaks. "Yes, he should be fine, but i am worried about a slight concussion, make sure he gets home safely and doesn't do anything traumatic that can further damage his head." Another voice speaks. My head is pounding and the light is bright as i open my eyes. "Emilio, you're okay!" i hear her speak. Dario rushes to my side. "Oh thank god, i thought i was going to have to explain to your dad that i killed you with a soccer ball," Dario says. I laugh at his dramatic self and look over at Kadence. My heart begins to warm and my cheeks flush with red in embarrassment. Way to show off kid. i think to myself. The trainer walks over to me and starts to ask a series of questions, to which i nod or give small responses to. I tell him about the Nauseating feeling i had earlier at the beach he simply nods and jots that down.  When he finally clears me to leave he adds," Do not do much of anything for at least a week and comeback to me and we will check out if you still are feeling nausea. " He says to me and turns to Dario and mumbles some words that i can't completely make out. 

We head out the trainers' tent, and i turn to talk to Kadence but she is nowhere to be seen. Maybe i am crazy and was hallucinating her the whole time. Rolling my eyes at myself once again, i head with Dario to my car, to which he insists on driving. The drive is a couple of minutes but i break the silence and ask "Kadence was there, did you see her?" he looks over at me and nods "Yeah, she was in the stands for a bit, but I didn't see much of her after that" he pauses then continues, " Are you still hung up on her? I mean your break up was pretty traumatic. i would've guessed you lost feelings for her." i do not reply and it remains silent for the rest of the car ride.

We pull up to my house and Chad approaches us to take the car in the garage. Dario helps me up the stairs and into my room, although I could do it myself. There was still a deep pain in my chest and my head still hurt. Maybe I was crazy? Shortly after Dario leaves, I try to hop in the shower again. This time I turn the shower on a colder temperature. It feels like ice hitting my skin, but it is no different the ocean water I willingly dived into. I got myself into this mess, and i wasn't even sure I could get out of it. It's these feelings, these feelings keep catching up to me, and haunting me. I just want it to stop. Can all of it just stop? Sighing to myself i start to scrub the dirt off. I must've really hit my head hard enough for this pain to keep growing. Now shivering from the cold shower, I step out and wrap myself in a towel and next a robe. instantly warming up, i head back into my room and search for the right pair of boxers and some shorts. Quickly changing, I pull out my phone and see the time is already 9:30. Skipping dinner, i lay down and scroll through twitter. Nothing much ever goes on twitter, just some locals who think they are funny. A notification pops up distracting me from aimlessly scrolling through my timeline. It's a reminder of my mom's birthday next week. Quickly closing the reminder, not trying to be bothered with more pain, I shut my phone off. I cannot bare it anymore. 

Suddenly I feel angered but also sad. Why did Alec leave me when I needed him most? And Why did she have to die when I needed her the most?? How is it that I am the one stuck here suffering while the rest out there living their lives avoiding this pain? Growing anxious once again, my heart rate speeds up and before I know it, I am trembling as tears threaten to spill out. Why did this all have to happen to me? I think over and over again that I am the problem, and soon enough I start to believe it. Cracking open like an egg, I sob as i try to collect the pieces of yolk, but it's too late my sorry heart is out in the open. The walls echo with my sobs as I try to recollect myself. "You're okay. You're okay." I reassure myself. "You're okay."

A/N: Soo i probably won't be making an updating schedule, because i know i won't follow through with it. Hope you get a taste of what is to come and remember any comments are welcome! This is also on wattpad (@/TheunsignedAuthor) I will update on there first and come here to update.

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