i really want to die but this isn't a suicide note i promise

I wake up every day wondering if anyone would care if I died. I wouldn’t kill myself or anything because I really do love my mum ...

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1. i really want to die

I wake up every day wondering if anyone would care if I died.

I wouldn’t kill myself or anything because I really do love my mum and I want to enjoy as much of life as I can and I can’t really do that without her. I might do it after she dies but sadly I have siblings and I feel like that’s unfair to them to have to waste their time being upset about that. Or maybe they wouldn’t be upset and I think that’s what really stops me doing anything. I don’t believe in god or heaven but even the idea of me dying and maybe no one caring is too scary of a thought for me to think about, whether I’d be aware of it or not.

I’d have a sad funeral. I wonder if I died would all those people I pushed away come to my funeral. Would they care? I’d care if they died, I don’t know if I’d go to their funeral because I really was a shitty friend to them. Would my current friends go? Would they care if I died? More and more I think no and for some reason that makes me want to do it more.

I’m not saying I ever would because I’ve been told a lot that ‘I’m going to do something great with my life’ which I know is a lie but it’s still a nice incentive. I said to someone once that I was going to wait until I was thirty until I killed myself, because if I’m still like this thirteen years later I can’t see I’ll ever not be. By then my siblings will have their own families maybe, so maybe it won’t upset them so much if I died. By then I’ll have no friends because I barely have any now which I know is my fault because I ignore their ‘streaks’ snaps on snapchat and really that’s the only thing they say to me. I’ve never kissed anyone and if that’s still the case when I’m thirty I’ll know it’s to do with me and not just my current environment like I like to pretend it is.  

Someone at school said I ‘was innocent’ but it really just means I’m ugly and lonely. He didn’t know that that’s what he meant but I did. I wonder if anyone will ever like me like that? Not even love, a like would be enough. But then I remember that I’m a bad sad terrible person so of course they wouldn’t. I forget a lot that loving someone doesn’t mean they love you. I love my friends and I would be sad if they died but I don’t think it would be hard for them. A girl at school told me I was a bitch, and not in a mean way, just in casual conversation and I think that’s worse because you know she meant it.

I wish I knew how to be a good person but I don’t think there’s any hope for me. My teacher told me it seemed like I hated myself and yeah, I guess that makes sense because I don’t think someone who liked themselves would act like this. She’s the one who said I would ‘do something with my life’ and yeah I hope to end it one day. That’s a sad thing to say and I know no one wants to hear it but I would very much like to die in thirteen years. Maybe in thirteen years I won’t hate myself like this but I can’t imagine it because there is so much of me to hate.

For starters I’m dumb, really dumb, I’m so dumb I get phantom pain from where the top of my brain used to be because I am so dumb it feels like my brain is literally dying. I sometimes wonder if something happened to me and no one told me because I can remember being a smart kid. But I think I just caught up with myself because I was too smart too early and now I’m just average, or below I guess.

I’m pretty ugly and I don’t really care about how I look but it would still be nice to have someone think I’m pretty. If you want a description I’m the ugly little sister of every pretty girl that has existed. And I have one eyebrow and laugh lines at the age of seventeen which is nice because at least I’m as ugly on the outside as I am on the inside. Wearing makeup really just makes things worse because that’s how you know you’re really ugly because makeup just tells you it’s not your skin or your dark circles, nah, sorry you’re just ugly. At least it means I have low expectations but then I remember that it doesn’t matter how low my expectations are because I’m going to die alone anyway.

I said that to a guy I used to know at a coffee shop, he said, ‘Oh. Don’t say that. You’re one of my favourite people’ and I thought that was quite funny because he wasn’t even embarrassed by how deeply he was lying. I took it anyway because he was one of my favourite people before he decided he hated me and then changed his mind once I stopped talking to him and started eating lunch in the bathroom at school. Maybe there was some truth to it because after that he started ordering my coffee order when we went to Café Nero on Fridays after both our families moved to awful houses in areas that we hated but then I remembered that mochas are just nice so maybe that’s why he drinks them. I remember him telling me ‘if I could just die without hurting anyone I would’ and I don’t really know what to do with that information or if he still feels that way and I guess it makes me realise that I was right to push him away because if he’s as sad as I am I think we’d both be dead if we were still friends. I hope he knows that he’s a good person because I really do like him in a way I could never like myself. And I hope he’s not as sad as I am because I would be sad if he died. I think he’d be sad if I died or I hope so at least.

I don’t really know what the purpose of all this was but if you want to know I don’t think I’ll be killing myself any time soon. I would like to, I would really like to because I think I’m possibly the worst person in existence but I know if I died that title would be passed on to someone else and I really don’t want anyone to feel the way I do. I think that’s my main problem, I’m too logical to kill myself which sucks because I really can’t see how my life is ever going to get better and no amount of pep talks from teachers or nice words from people I miss is going to change that. I think I’ll always want to die but maybe one day I won’t and I know you shouldn’t live life on maybies but that’s all I’ve got for now and we’re all going to die anyway, I might as well see where this goes.

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