To The Boy Who Stole More Than My Heart

This is a saga of poem-like letters I wrote to a boy who broke my heart. They're apart of a series I'm writing called "Letters That Lost Their Stamps." This series is called this because these letters are open letters. They're not for the people they're written to, and they're not meant to be read. They're meant to be felt.

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1. Dear Unpleasant Surprise-The Story

Dear unpleasant surprise,

When I Met You:

You seemed nice enough, but nothing out of the ordinary. Still I felt this need to be around you. You were magnetic, though I didn’t understand why.

You turned out to be talented, funny, and thoughtful. I thought you might be someone I could befriend, confide in. You became a “potential trust,” and as time went on, I did begin to trust you. We became close. We were friends, and it was from there that it grew into something more.  

When You Said “Yes”:

I was amazed. I knew I would get hurt eventually, but I thought you would be worth it. I thought you were amazing. Someone who shared my beliefs. I believed you were someone I could trust, that you wanted to be mine. I thought you were mine. I was wrong.

When You Said I was Worth It:

I believed you. I have been lied to, broken, and left for dead, but you made me believe differently. You made me believe I was worth it. I believed you wanted me. Wanted to talk to me, to be with me, and to grow with me. I believed you thought I was amazing. You made me believe I was worth it, and I thought you believed that too.

When You Rung:

The adrenaline pumped through me when I slipped the phone from my pocket. It was you. I knew it. It had to be. You must be apologizing. Everything was going to be okay. We were going to be fine.

Then my stomach dropped, and the tears slipped, faster and faster, dropping as my knees dropped with them. This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t happening. You loved me. You loved me, or so I thought.

Shrieks, gasps, I couldn’t breathe. I told myself to respond, not to lose you, to fix it. I thought it was my fault. I wanted to know what I did wrong. God, I knew you had hated me. I lost you. “Oh my, please no, I loved you” screamed my thoughts. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,”  I said.  You responded, “It’s okay. Thank you for trying to understand.” “Understand what? Oh please no, why did you leave me. I needed you. I couldn’t lose you. Please…gone…gone, lost forever. What do I do. It hurts so much. I can’t breathe. I’m ruined,” replayed in my head like a broken record.

The tears are still slipping, my knees are still wobbling, my voice is cracking, my head throbbing, and my heart is continuing to shatter. You’re gone. I can’t move forward. I don’t know what to do. How do I be happy again? How do I fix this. Fix this. Fix. Problem. Problem. Fix. Fix Problem. But How? I’m falling. I’m slipping. I’m almost over the edge. I’m gone…

When You Saw Me:

I filed on, eyes kept low. Glancing up, I saw you. You stared back. You didn’t even care. I kept walking, head held high. I was barely breathing. I was holding back my tears like you had once held me. The pain burned. I felt you stabbing me again and again, but I still couldn’t find it in me to hate you. “Please look at me,” my mind screamed. You did, and the eyes that used to hold my world were empty, a stranger’s. I had lost you. Forever.

When You Smiled:

When you smiled, you cut me open. When you laughed, you twisted the knife. When you looked at me, you put salt in the wound. And when you left? You left me with a scar.

When I Smiled:

 When I smiled, it felt like a punch to the gut. When I laughed, I held back tears. When I looked at you, it took all of my strength not to run to you. And when you left? I missed you, but I lost me.

When She Said You Called Me “Fat”:

My stomach lurched. I knew it. You had lied. You thought I was ugly, just like everyone else had said. I’m fat, gross, unwanted. I wasn’t worth it.

After she told me, I couldn’t eat. The thought of food, made me gag. The act of eating made me puke, and calories became an obsession. I never thought you had so much control over me. Who knew what I would let you cause.

When I Spoke:

“Hey.” No, no, no, you took me by surprise. My heart began to beat faster, my eyes brimming with tears. Who knew the slip of one little word could hurt so much?

You didn’t answer me, you barely even looked up. “Hey,” the word hung in the air unanswered. I wasn’t worth answering. I was worthless. You hated me and I don’t even know what I did. Was it me, or was it you? “Hey.”

When You Spoke:

Your responses were short, almost non-existent. Your eyes were pain filled, and your face was tired. Tired of pretending not to care, and tired of being the person you were. It was painful to watch, and I told myself it was my fault, but it’s not. It is not my fault you’re not ready to be yourself, nor that you don’t want my help. There’s nothing I can do for you, and I guess that makes me a mistake.

When I Started To Like Him:

When I started to like him, I pushed it back. Having a crush was exciting and playful, but the war in my heart was still raging against you. I wanted you, needed you, but you didn’t want me. I refused to let him hurt me too.

I was convinced you didn’t care about me, convinced you never felt anything for me, until I saw your jealousy. It was obvious. The mention of me having feelings for anyone besides you? It sent you into a tailspin. You’d roll your eyes, stare at the ground depressed, or leave because you couldn’t handle it.

But I’m not sorry. You let me go, and without you holding me down, I will soar.

When You Started To Like Her:

I knew, immediately.There was no hiding it, you’re admiration for her was obvious. And I was happy for you and her. She was my friend, and I wanted her to be happy more than I wanted myself to be. And for you to be happy too? That’s all I ever wanted for you. It’s just too bad I couldn’t give you that.

Does it hurt? Yes, more than anything, my heart feels as if it’s ripping in two. I want to scream. I’m hoping for death. But if you’re happy? Then that’s okay, I’ll deal.

                                                         Now you know what you’ve done,

                                                                                                 Girl  Who Wasn’t Good Enough

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