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  • Published: 18 Feb 2018
  • Updated: 18 Feb 2018
  • Status: Complete
A realization of self


1. Confessions

You asked me why I do I lie.  After everything I put you through you deserve the truth, so here it is. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to speak from my heart. There was a version of me that could and I have been searching for that person for years but I can't get him back. And ever since I lost my way I have tried on multiple personas trying to find the one to fit, one that the people will love. Because I don't even love myself so I search for love from an unloving world. Foolishly seeking approval from the masses and letting all judgment affect me.  Which has now forced me into solitude. Hiding out with no company other than my own. Fearing my own thoughts and consciousness because when I get warped into that tears run down my face and razors begin drawing red. Soon spending hours in pure darkness trying to figure out why I have been placed on this earth feeling as if I have no purpose.  Wanting to end my own life but death petrifies me and religious beliefs restrain me.  I am unloved in the way that I desire to be loved.  Heartbreaks fueled by lies, deception and disloyalty have broken me in unimaginable ways. Leaving me too scared to enter into the world searching for more but just enough heart to long for past loves to return. I am broken in ways that you could not even dream about. So yes I have told you lies to paint a picture of the man I wished I was for my benefit and yours. At times I felt there was a chance that I could become that person. But sure enough, I fell back into the abyss full of my demons and tormentors that has kept me trapped my entire life. And through familiarity, I have begun to feel more comfortable with them than with the people of the world. So maybe this is where I belong, maybe some people are chosen for this lifestyle and it is just my time to accept it. If I must I will, and if you choose to walk away I won't fault you, I don't even love me so how could I ask you to.          

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