I just stand there

My entry for romance competition, option 1. I wrote this as a rant before i saw the competition was open. I know its not really a story, its a snapshot of a story.

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1. I just stand there

I stand there, facing her. Stiff, upright, the fumes of anger filling me with power. I stare at her, defiantly. I hate her for all the pain she’s caused me and, yet I love her still.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?” I ask her, a question I genially want to know the answer to, but I know, she doesn’t have the one I’m looking for. It wasn’t anything life changing that led me here. It was little things, one step at a time she crossed over the line.

How could you ignore me?” I demand, “Do you know how that feels? the one person who you think sees you clearest, acts like your invisible.” I drill into her with my stares. Not liking what I see I snort “You don’t, do you? I never ignored you. I never made you feel like a ghost. You only end up on the outside because you push yourself there.”

“I know, I know, your brain is shit.” I quieten down, “I’ve only experienced a fraction of what you have and its almost unbearable. But if it’s not your fault: Who do I blame? Who do I get angry at? Who can I demand answers from, to check it wasn’t me who did something. So, I don’t get paranoid again and again and again. How can you be sorry if you do it again?”

I begin to pace, up and down, up and down. Trying to calm myself down but it only enrages me more.  “I care about you so much, but you have ignored me so many times. I’ll admit, I have gotten used to it, but that’s a shit thing to get used to. Why should I get used to you treating me like shit?”

“Your scared of me getting mad at you, why are you hiding behind fear, of the thing you caused. For fucks sake man up! Now I apologise for getting mad, when you’re the one who winded me up in the first place. You say these enraging things under your breath, then you move on. And IM NOT ALLOWED TO GET MAD, because it wasn’t really important, and I said it to myself anyway, no reason to get confrontational, otherwise I’ll get scared. Oh, boo hoo.”

“You said I’m sick of doing everything for people, well WHAT THE FRICK HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME? I’m always looking out for you, I’m always listening to you. I tried sharing my problems, but the conversation always came back to you. You know, I have shit going on too.”

“Luckily, I have my parents who always make sure I know that they’re here for you and listening. They never tried to tell me everything would be fine because they knew I wouldn’t believe them. Sometimes you don’t need comfort, just someone to listen.”

I sigh, “So that’s what I tried to do to you, and it worked too well. Next thing I knew it was 4 in the morning and you’d blackmailed me into not telling anyone about you attempting suicide. And nothing was ever the same ever again. I broke inside, and you never came to pick up the pieces. You promised, you promised you’d look after me. But you never did.”

I hate her, I hate her that she’s caused me all this pain. And I hate, that I love her too much to tell her about it. Its always her first.

I collapse onto my bed. Exhorted at the strain of letting my feelings out. She’s not there, she’s probably at home playing video games. She was never there, just a picture draw by me through imagination. She’s not there, and I’m starting to doubt if she will ever be.

 

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