The Deepest Place In My Thoughts.

This "story" is just a place where i can leave my thougths.
Every little detail of it.
i'm not really sure, if anyone will ever read this, but if someone do, and they can relate at any point.
Write a comment or something, it's not always a good thing to be alone.


4. Understand.

Does this mean, that i'm alone now?
I haven't spoken to him since at some point last year... 
He won't talk to me, and i don't blame him. 
For some reason, i recently caught myself thinking "God, i hope he is happy"
Which is so odd, cus i've spend such a long time, crying over exatcly that thought.
When i think about him now, i just hope that he is happy.
even if that is without me.
Does that mean, that i'm alone now?

I always end up alone.
in this bed, at 1 in the morning.
always alone.
with my cigarettes and music.
I can't seem to do anything.
I just sit here, smoking and thinking about how things could have turned out. 

At the time we broke up, he was planning to move down here.
What if that had happened?

Then maybe i wouldn't be alone at 1AM.
He would have been here.
cuddling me as he always was.

Even when i think about this now, i hope he is happy.
i hope that he isn't alone at 1AM.
I hope she is there.
Cuddling him, like i would have been doing.
He truly desurves this.

It's my 20th birthday on next friday, and i tried to ask him if he could be there.
just as my friend.
Cus before we were lovers, we were friends.
maybe that's the reason i still think about him. 
i don't know anymore.

I don't want to be stone cold anymore.
I can't keep feeding myself off of this. 
can i?

20 years old, and still hung up on something tha happened almost a year ago now.
I should have been moved on by now.
I know he is.

But for some reason, i'm not. 
I catch myself thinking about him, at the weirdest moment.
Like when i'm in the shower, all i think about is, how i wish he was there with his arms around me, while the water runs down us. 
If i could do it all over.
I would have done it right.

He deleted me and every single person we have in comment. 

All of us. 

How can he just do that?
Every single friend he had, where i lived. 
gone in a seconds.

I guess that really means, that he is done with me.
Which i understand, even when i don't want to. 
Maybe if i didn't understand, he would explain it to me.
But i do.

Is it possible to go back?
if it is, please tell me.

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