The Deepest Place In My Thoughts.

This "story" is just a place where i can leave my thougths.
Every little detail of it.
i'm not really sure, if anyone will ever read this, but if someone do, and they can relate at any point.
Write a comment or something, it's not always a good thing to be alone.


6. Selfish Bitch.

It's not a secret anymore.
Everybody knows.
Which makes me look weak. 

I was always the strong one.
The big sister.
The one who came running, when my little sisters needed me. 
The one who always had to say "It's okay, and everything will be okay again"
Now, i can't even believe i've ever said those words. 

This is so cliche, but i'm telling you guys the truth.
My truth. 
About how all of this came crashing down apon me, when i was wounded and had no defense to give. 

I keep thinking about ways, that i can just end it. 
End it all. 

but then, when i think about it over, and over again. 
i realise.
I'm terrified of dying. 
I'm terrified that, there is no better place.
That everything just ends. 
and no one will remember me, for being something else, than a selfish bitch. 

Right now, everyone hates me.
The girl i thought was my best friend right from kindergarden, deleted our nicknames on messenger, and called me yesterday, drunk.
Just wanting to say "You're a bitch, and fuck you"
I don't understand...
What can i possibily have done, that has made her so angry at me?
I've tried talking to her about my depression, but she stopped caring, right from the moment, that i told her i was sick. 
I guess it all really started with her boyfriend.
You say no one time, and you get called out. 
Being called.
A fucking bitch. 

All those words, that i  was struggling to stop telling myself every single day.
He said them, before i could even get a chance to realise what they meant.
He didn't give me a chance, and now he has dragged her down with him. 
What can i say, really? 
He is a drugaddict, and she doens't know that she desurves better than a scum, who'd choose the drugs over her, any day at the week. 

My other best friend won't even talk to me. 
She texted me that she felt like my doctor, when all i needed was a friend to talk to. 

Everyone else that i hang out with before, hasn't even called me after they found out that i was sick. 
People can be cruel. 

Suddently everytime i actually pulls myself together, and makes a descisson. 
I get shut down hated for it. 

It hurts.
Everything hurts. 

Thinking hurts.
Crying hurts.
Words hurt.
Feeling hurts.
Breathing hurts. 

Have you ever felt completly helpless?
Like no matter how you try, it just gets worse.

I thought about him today.
Haven't done that in a while.
Feels like ages.
I've never needed him so badly before. 
This would have been a perfect moment, for one of his awful jokes.
He always made me laugh. 
Even when i had no reason to at all.

I remember one time, when we were driving across the country we live in. 
He drove, and i sat besides him. 
With his hand on my lap. 
I was jamming along to the music in the car, and he was just laughing. 
Looking at me, like i was the whole world to him. 
It was the day he had asked me to be his girlfriend. 
I remember it so clearly. 

I keep wondering.
Will i ever be that happy again?
or will i just destroy that too?
Just like with everything else.
Everything i touch. 

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