The Deepest Place In My Thoughts.

This "story" is just a place where i can leave my thougths.
Every little detail of it.
i'm not really sure, if anyone will ever read this, but if someone do, and they can relate at any point.
Write a comment or something, it's not always a good thing to be alone.

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1. Regrets.

They say that love comes to the ones who deserves it.
But how can it be, that i got the best love that someone could ever imagine possible, when i'm most likely the one person in this world, who really doesnt desurve it?
I fucked the one thing i believed in more than anything up.
Just like i fuck everything else up.
I just not a good person.
I made someone love me more than i ever thought was possible, and then i crushed his soul down when i crushed myself down.
No one ever desurves that.
Espacially not him. 
He is such an amazing person.
ive never beenn able to see how someone like him, could love someone like me.
A distructor.
I destroy EVERYTHING i care about.
I destroyed the one thing i would have given anything for. 

He hates me.
He ignores me.
He doesn't see me anymore. 
but how can i demand that, when i don't even see myself anymore?

I want him back.
i want us back.
i want everything to be okay.
i want him to be with me again.

He is the one person i would jump down a mountain for.
The only one, i would give up anything to be with again.

I cheated on him.
I let my urges take over, the ony thing i was breathing for.
sometimes i with i could just make it all go away.
all these thoughts, all these urges, and all these actions.
i can't believe i let myself go this far. 
I've never done anything like this before.
and i've never had a bigger regret in my life, then that one day. 
cus he was my air. 
the air i breathe.
the air i lived on. 
the air i needed to live.

I called his new girlfriend the worst things.
i got mad, and sad and jealous.
cus she was the reason he was breathing now.
not me.
I thought i could make evetything alright again.
but now it seems impossible.
everything seems impossible.
without him.

how can i even be mad?
he should be the one who is mad.
i broke up with him. 
i broke up with him, to protect him.
to save him, before i pulled him down with me.
i didn't see him as my savior. 
i didn't believe that he could love someone who felt this way about herself.
i hated myself.
and i didn't want him to hate me too.
cus believe me, he would have if he had stayed.
i tried to save him, but i just got deeper down trying. 
i miss him. 
i miss when he cuddles me. 
when he plays with my hair.
i even miss his weird english talk all the time.
i never thought id say that. 
i miss the way he was so awkward. 
i was so embarresed of him. 
i was wrong to feel like that.
cus everything he did, he only did to make me laugh. 

Right now, i've never felt this much pain before.
i wish i could turn back time, and that i would have never left him alone in a corner. 
cus i did.
i left, when we needed each other the most. 
when we counted on each other to be there.

It feels like this heartache will never end. 
i can't go one day without thinking about him, and hoping that i see his name pop up on my phone. which it never does.
he will never come back. 
he will never hold me tight like that again. 
he will never love me again. 

who am i to blame for this?
no one, but myself. 

i would do anything just to feel him again. 
feel his touch. 
his lips.
and his love. 

cus he was the only reason i was here.
now that he is gone, i don't really have a reason anymore. 
why am i even here?
why haven't i just ended it yet?
why do i keep trying, when everything i do end up hurting people around me and myself even more than it already did?

I feel lost. 
i am lost.
no one can find me.
not even myself. 
im so scared, that i'll never be found again. 
that the real me, the happy me, is lost somewhere that can't ever be found. 

my own mind can't lie to me.
they all say its just a fase.
but i just think its me.

i wish we could just be strangers again. 
cus i can't fall inlove without you.
please don't fall inlove without me...
cus out of the 7 billion people in this world, there is only you.
almost a million words that i can say, but none of them will do. 
so many years that i have lived, but it feels like i've just begun. 
out of the 7 bilion people, you're the only one.

 

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