Girls with Shame

"I finally understand what true love is. It wasn't at first glance though, it developed over time. Love is the closest glimpse of heaven anyone can truly see alive. I saw heaven. But then I fucked up."


2. Nickname

I barely slept at all last night. I fucking hate anxiety. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. I fucking hate alarm clocks. Sorry, I should stop cussing. This is a great start to a Saturday morning, where I had to wake up at 8 in the morning for a meeting with Dani since apparently emo's don't sleep and she said she could only meet at 9:30 am. She couldn't be that busy. I purposely positioned my bed on the opposite side of the room farthest from my desk which had my screeching alarm clock. Based on the idea, that I wouldn't fall back asleep if I was on my feet to turn it off. Sometimes I truly hate myself.

By the time I finished eating my breakfast, it was already half past 8, I marched up the stairs to get dressed. My house is a modern middle-class one-story, Hence, nothing too fancy. Then again it was only my Mom, and I.  I wasn't in the mood to dress to impress and when I arrived at the public library, it appears Dani had the same idea. She wore black skinny jeans and a tight fit Panic! At the Disco shirt, with a low v-neck that exposed a lot more cleavage than I thought she had. Wait, why do I care about her boobs? Oh, I must be jealous. 


I dropped my backpack next to the table as I sat down in the cheap plastic chair. Dani then went for her own bag pulling out two white binders, and a GeoPhysical Science book. I opened up the book on the current chapter we were on in class since we had a test on Wednesday about the layers of the earth. Not like we learned about them in the 5th grade!

"Hmm." She replied. Manners much!

"So Dani, which part are you having trouble on."

"It's Ruby, right?'

"Yep." I chuckled awkwardly, I was never good at small talk. I glanced back at the book, trying to avoid her glare. She just kept trying to make eye contact with me, obviously, I was uncomfortable. Finally, she looks back at the book pointing at the beginning. Lovely, I had to explain practically the simplest information. This will be fun.

We stayed at the library for roughly two hours. It was quarter before noon before we started to pack up. I found this meeting surprisingly successful and worthwhile like I actually got Dani to understand the subject a lot more. "Hey, Ru?"

"Yes?" Nobody ever gave me a nickname before. Ru. Ru. Ru. This feels oddly relaxing. I could listen to this all day. Such a cute name coming from such a negative person. This isn't so bad. I almost wanted to act like I didn't hear her just to hear it again. Ru.

"Thanks for helping me out, I appreciate it." I don't know why, but that quick smile she gave me warmed my heart. I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay with her and see if I can see more into her life. Her mysterious background is what kept me setting up more study meetings. I discussed my whole life, how I was an only child, about my parent's separation, the sports I like to play, and how I moved here from Southern Canada. Even after explaining my life story all I got from Dani was that she had two cats. "I need to ask you something, Ru."

"What is it, Dani?"

"If you don't mind. I won't be able to get a ride down here anymore, so I just thought. Maybe, instead, you can come over to my place to study from now on?" Dani stuttered, as she nervously twirled her curly hair around her finger. "Um, I-I"

"Nevermind. Forgot what I said-"

"No, No! It's fine. I'll be more than happy to come over." Wait, did I really just say that? I am willing to go to a girl's house I didn't start acknowledging then a few weeks ago? I think I must be high off of the wite-out paint we were using. "Are you sure? I mean, we are friends right?"

Shit. How do I answer that? She's becoming more open with me. But, we don't hang outside of tutoring, we talk a little bit more than usual. Still, I kinda want to learn more about her life, than she's willing to share. It's not like she's a serial killer or anything. Right?

"Dani, we are friends, and at the rate of progress you're making we can't stop now." I smiled. I really hope I won't regret this. I hope she won't see the worry in my eyes, I looked back up at her to notice her smiling as well. Damn, she has a beautiful smile, with perfect pearly whites. 

"You have a such a pretty smile, Dani. You should smile more often."

Her face flushed a bright shade of red, as mine did as well. We sat there for the next two-minutes embarrassed only to burst into laughter. We laughed and laughed till the librarian had us leave for causing a "Public Disturbance." We sat on the stairs of the library as we waited to be picked up. Yes, we have to be picked up since you can only get a drivers license until the age 16 and 9 months. Lucky us.

My Mom pulled up in our champagne-colored Honda Accord, she's in her early 40's but looks like a 30-year-old. I said my goodbyes to Dani and hopped in the front seat alongside my Mom. 

"So, is this the new friend I've heard you talk about?" My Mom beamed, and like I've said earlier I haven't made to many friends here. Therefore, the news of a new friend is like hearing she's going to be a grandmother. I replied: "Yes, Mom." 

She waved to Dani and drove off too quick for a wave back. Two minutes into the car ride, I notice the radio was on. We listen to popular tracks the whole 10-minute drive. With the wind blowing in my hair, I picked up the lines, "Pain don't hurt the same, I know. The lane I travel feels alone"-

"God I hate this song." My Mom scoffed turning the channel off. She used to love this song, about preventing suicide. Yet, ever since my Aunt told her what the music video contained. Her feelings changed. As you guessed she's not a big fan of the LGBTQIA community, I don't understand why she could hate such a kind of group that's been through so much. So much to the point, she kicked out my older brother at age 16, when he originally came out. Yes, I know I lied about being an only child earlier, but it seems easier. I mean, not even Emily knows. We still communicate in secret, but I haven't seen him in four years. I wonder what he looks like now. However, that's difficult when he's still in a different country. Ha, that was probably another reason why we moved to the US. I hope he's happy. God, I miss him.


Wow, I can't believe I'm still writing this. Rip. 

Thanks for reading! -Alex

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