I just want to share what i am feeling right now.


1. 26th of December 2017

I am at our living room


My brothers in his room while my parents are working on Hawaii

I am 16 years old and I am a graduating student. I am pretty average to say the least

Why am I typing here instead of going to  party or enjoying my teen life? Well this year has been really tough for me you see I am struggling

Well it started when I ran as the students council in our campus. I wasn’t supposed to but I did because I want to experience it and my friend who was supposed to be running for president was pulled out by her parents and my party needs someone to represent them so I did. It was amazing but at the same time hard because it was my first time handling a big responsibility but I still tried.

Within the week of campaign I noticed that my friends were giving me a cold shoulder but i was having such a hard time that I just let them be mad or whatever because I said to myself that they are my friends and I know that they will understand me and that I can talk to them later since I really want to focus on the upcoming meeting de avance and so the week passed by I was happy because some of my candidates was chosen to be part of the student council. I received a lot of hate during my candidacy there were a lot of rumors but I didn’t  mind I was not sad or angry because of that

I was sad because my friends left me. They said I’ve changed. Change in a bad way they never told me what changed in me specifically but they turned their backs on me .They said they were tired of my attitude they were tired of me. I was sad. I missed them. I tried everything I could without asking for help to anybody without telling anyone what was really happening. I tried pleasing the m in anyway I could think of but they resists and then I got tired too.

After a month of my candidacy both of my parents flew to Hawaii. To work for our future. It was very very hard for me because I was alone when I got to school now I’m also alone when I went home. Where’s my brother? He’s also working so he will leave the house early and come home late. It was a very difficult situation for me because I was not used to it.How about my boyfriend? Well he’s attending another school and made friends with a lot of girls making it way more harder for me to adjust to everything.

I ate alone.I was alone and it was hard. I was out of my comfort zone. I forced myself to be happy to be contente to atleast be okay but it was hard to stand up with no feet.I have never felt more sad,depressed,afraid and negative in my entire life but I kept it to myself. I cried thinking that it will the pain will vanish if I just cry everything. My tears were will fall no matter where I am or what I was doing it.

What did I do other than cry? I didn’t eat I have no appetite. I skipped and failed my classes. I forced and pushed myself to do something very tiring so that when I came home I’ll be exhausted enough to not notice that I am alone. I walked from my school to our house. I went to church all by myself to cry and pray. I tried to kill myself by cutting my wrist.  I tried to lessen the pain and loneliness by talking to different strangers by shopping anything I could buy. By eating anything I desire. by drinking  alcohol , by pleasuring myself through lust. I tried almost everything I could to satisfy the attention I need or to torture myself physically so that I will not feel empty. For the past few months I was a walking corpse. I lost weight. I was always sick. I was bleeding. I was dead in and out. I am lost.

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