my depressing thoughts


1. 1

There are many things that I don't want to be and one of them is; Average
But there is one thing that I exactly completely and totally am; average. 
I do not have an abnormality 
I am not an anomaly 
I am not special 
I am not cool
I am not outstanding
I am average 
I am basically the answer 'I am okay' or 'fine' in response to how are you. I know that I will never be anything more than average and that's just fucking fine by me.
Then there are people who are better than okay; these are the people who have their lives figured out to an exact tee. Chances are that these people will probably be successful in life. Meanwhile myself and the rest of the 'okay' people end up living out the rest of our boringly predictable lives.

Soon after the age of 13
I realized that I will never have ;

a passionate romance,
I would only have My Chemical Romance

I would never meet 'the one',
But I would write about people who do.

I would never be a 'winner', 
I would always be a participant

And to be completely honest I don't matter. I am just one in a billion one of the unspecial people in the world. I will never be the next Galileo or Frank Iero. 
And to be completely honest it hurts


Because in end of the day my body will just be another corpse on the street.
Yes some people care
For so most of my life I longed to be special, to be an anomaly,
But then I met reality. It was a punch to the stomach telling me that I would never make it.

My mom says that I am making this up but

I am not.

I still don't know what I am.

I am hungry but not.
I want to eat but can't.
I feel nauseous when I try to eat.

And goddamn it, it fucking hurts.

All I want is for someone to help me.

Let me put it this way, I would like to die. I don't want to commit Suicide but I want to die.
I sometimes think about how I would die maybe I would 
be in a bus and some idget would do something stupid and then the bus would flip over and bam I would no longer be alive.
I don't know why I like the idea of this but I just do.
I want to die but I don't.
I guess I don't want to die enough to actually do something about the problem of me living. So now I am stuck in between being normal and some other stuff. I think it would be easier if my brain could make up its mind because I have no idea about anything.
I kinda just sit here waiting for my brain to figure things out because maybe it's "just a phase" or maybe wanting to die is something serious.

Honestly I just don't want to do anything.

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