A Day in My Shoes

This is my life...

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6. Random thoughts...ish

When I was young, I was different. Very different. Failure was an option, where as now, it is never an option. If I fail, I give up. I cannot deal with failure. People like to say I am lazy, but that's not the case, I am too afraid to fail. So I can prevent embarrassment by not trying. Ever. People think I'm an annoying, douchebag. But I do these things on purpose so that people don't have time to judge me for themselves and decide that I'm annoying and all these things. Really, if we're being honest, everything people think about me is probably what I want them to think about me. Maybe it's because I've been judged my whole life. I was always in trouble at school, always in trouble at home, I wasn't good at much of anything other than reading and writing, and I'm not even good at writing, have you been reading this? What career am I supposed to make out of reading? I'm to particular about what I read to do anything productive with my skills. I am not a school kid. Its just a fact. I'm antisocial and can't do anything. Let's be real, my life has two pathways, either I live with my mom or I leech off of a rich guy and with the way I look, there might not be a guy in life. For a long time. I think that I am just a time bomb. Instead of handling anger like I should, I just keep it hidden, until the point when I literally explode. You won't see it coming and it won't be all your fault. But I'll explode and destroy everything in my path. That sounds really stupid but, and I don't mean I'll take a wrecking ball to your house, I mean I'll say things that I may not mean. I may just hate you for awhile, there are an infinite number of results and anyone of them could happen. Remember when I said I try to distance myself from people? Even as we speak I am doing it. I'm getting too close to someone, and my brain is telling me to just stop talking to her. And its getting harder to resist these feelings and thoughts. Its really conflicting. I want to have a lifelong friend but, I don't want to get hurt when I stop seeing these people, so I am literally tearing myself apart trying to stay in the same spot with people. And its not good. I think I'm on the edge of breakdown. And not my usual, crying and wanting to talk to someone. I mean like a mental breakdown, where I literally lose my mind and stop being friends with everyone. Like, all my friends now would just be people again and go on with their lives. I mean there's going to point when my friends get tired of me and my life and they're not gonna stick around a guy who's annoying and always seems depressed. It gets old. Does anyone else feel alone? Even if you're surrounded by people you care about? I sure do. I feel so alone. Also, I know this is all kind of random but I'm trying to write something that usually takes two or three days to write in like two hours. So, yeah if this sucks I am sorry.

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