A Day in My Shoes

This is my life...


3. A night in the dark.

The next few weeks of high school were humdrum and boring. But there were deeper things were going on. My mom and her boyfriend began fighting more and more, my sister who'd been with me since I was born, was now gone, my friends and I were drifting apart, and my life was collapsing in on itself. The constant nagging of my consciousness, that I constantly talked to, was still there, reminding me of the relief that came from watching myself bleed. I started to lose my escape, video games as my mom was constantly using the T.V. All my headphones broke and I was cut off from my music.  As I continued to get older, I continued to see the world differently. My depression got worse and anxiety began to cripple my ability to do most of anything, in fear of being judged. I continued stress eating and gained weight. I felt like there was a massive hole in my soul, and I couldn't fix it. Nothing was taking it away, all I could do is learn to accept it. Like the depressing fact that I was not good enough for anyone, everyone I knew left or would leave. Except, for two people, Laura and Ashley, they were always there. Although, neither of them helped my pain they took my mind off of it so it wasn't getting to me as much, I could still feel it but in a way I felt better. Even though Laura and Ashley were almost polar opposites and Ashley wasn't much of a "depressed" person. 
One day we were walking home, and Laura told me something that I really do believe in. "It takes a depressed person to help a depressed person" she said. Which I believe to be very true, problem is that depression is like a pillow, it can either be comforting and safe or it smuggle you while you sleep. My pillow was very comfortable, I knew how to get better but was too afraid to. I had my walls and they kept me very safe. I was okay, I didn't like feeling pointless, or feeling too pressured. I felt like I had to take care of both my parents. My dad, who I no longer lived with, who was an alcoholic and my mom who was also facing depression. Okay be immature at times but when it came down to it, I took care of them both. 
Once we were sitting in English, we were writing an essay on a book called "Parrot in the Oven" by Victor Martinez, and a question we were asked was "How does Manny's situation with his dad relate to an experience you've had? If not, how would you act in his situation?" In case you haven't read the book, which I don't really recommend, Manny's father is an alcoholic, which got me thinking about my dad and my situation. 
Two years ago in Redmond, Oregon
"Come on dad. We're going home" I said, it was dark and he was completely hammered. 
"Letsh not okay?" He said, slurring every word, and speaking slowly. I grabbed his arm and we began walking the streets towards our home. He stumbled and couldn't walk straight if his life depended on it.  This frustrated me to no end, I was 12 years old, why was I taking care of a 35 year old man? This was one occasion of many, many occasions where I was taking care of my father. We eventually made it home, and I had to walk him to his bed, and cover him up. Then I sat and thought about how screwed up the situation with my dad was. I was done. Over all of it, and I just wanted to escape, that's where Church Group came in. 
While only for a short time, I would spend my nights at a Church Youth group. My girlfriend at the time, we'll get into it later, invited me, and I decided "Anh what the hell?" And went. So every Wednesday I would escape my dad and hear about this "God" so many people believed in, hell even I did once upon a time. But for some reason, God had forsaken me, and I was alone in Hell's gates. Why did he leave me when I needed him most? If this guy did exist, where was he when my life compressed my head and left me feeling lost or where was he when the person I needed most left me and I was alone?
All I knew was that God decided to make my life a joke and not consider the pain and suffering I felt. 
Present Time
I decided to answer the question as lightly and without much detail as I could. Using a simple "I tried to stay out of the way of my dad too." While my mind said to keep it simpleinside my soul begged me to speak about the pain and embarrassment he caused me. 

Things at home got bad, but Laura helped. I'm not saying no else did, but it seemed like she was genuinely interested in my life. I knew that she'd be there to just take everything that was on my mind in. My other friends all seemed to show pity, and I freaking hate that. I don't ever want to be shown pity. Never, I am not a helpless animal. No, I am a freaking human. Who knows, honestly I am probably crazy but who cares. 
My parents were getting into fights, we were having financial issues, my life kept falling apart and my escapes seemed to be missing, and yet again, this almighty "God" didn't help me. You u know for someone who is so forgiving, and loving he sure hates me. Why though? Because I like dudes? Or did he just decide that I was his test subject, I swear he is waiting for me to crack under the pressure and give up.  But I won't give him the satisfaction. I can hear all the reglious people saying "God has a plan for you." You know man, Fuck you. Come back and tell me that when something good happens. Sorry, I got a bit off subject. Anyways, I am the kind of person, who when I tell you something, I need your full attention. I hate repeating myself, so I'll eventually give up telling you and give you a short explanation of it. I had to do this with all of my friends but Laura and Alina. Now, I understand that that's not entirely fair of me, but I mean if you're not going to listen then I'm not going to try to tell you things. And maybe, it just wasn't the right time to tell my friends or something. Laura gave her full attention and then went further and tried to understand, even saying that she'd kill someone if I asked, and that's what I needed from people. Also, I don't necessarily favor Laura over my other friends just so you know, it's just that she is the best listener I know, Alina gives the best advice I have ever been given. I know she'll know what to do when I don't. Ashley, is there when I need a good laugh. Adam is there whenever my gay side need to come out, even though he is a little...strange sometimes. Connor is there when I need someone to talk to about childish things, such as Pokémon or Yu-Gi-Oh. All my friends are there for me at different times in separate areas. They're all like my psychologists and I love them to death. In fact, they're all the reason that this project right here is even a thing. 


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