On The Run

We all have our steady, normal routines, but sometimes we have to get used to being on the run.


3. Part 2

As the time passed, the detentions for my handwriting went away. I am sure this was my mum's doing as my handwriting is still quite bad. 

 By third grade somehow it clicked to me that I had to be good at school. I don't have a memory of what led me to this decision, but in all honesty, there are a lot of occasions when I do regret that choice.

 You see, the thing about academics is that once you do well at that key age,  then they will expect you to do the same every single time. Sometimes this is not exactly possible. Yes in the beginning maybe I was really good, but that was all purely due to the fact that everything was just so easy and not a lot of thinking was involved. Despite that I still don't know how they could actually see me as a good student considering the way I started, ripping off pages of my notebooks whenever I would get a bad grade, but then again maybe I was just given the benefit of doubt. 

 There were around three years starting from third grade when I was completely clean from outside. I looked like the perfect student. I was getting good results in every exam, in every subject. I would treat everyone kindly and give everyone the help they needed. For my mother, I was perfect as well. I was always making her proud, never upsetting her for major issues. Please keep in my mind how I am talking only about the others, not about myself.

 It took me about 3 or 4 years to realize that that person was not exactly me. Yes, I had a somewhat good reputation, but it just didn't feel right. Everyone saw me as someone stiff. I really was not like that. I wanted to have fun, to have a group of people to laugh with and basically just be a happy person. 

 At the time it looked as if the perfect student and the fun life couldn't go together. One had to be given up in order for the other to be gained. Later I learned that the gone thing was just an opportunity cost.  I decided the opportunity cost would be perfection. I thought I was not going to be like that anymore, but rather try and have more fun and be more like them. This was my way of running from perfection. 

 It looked like it worked. I was hanging out with those who could be considered to be the cool people of the school and they seemed to genuinely care about me. It all was working in the right way for me, but not for them, the others. Teachers started complaining to my mother about how much I changed and they started warning her of the dangers of what they thought would be my destination. My mother would put all of her angst on me. Can't really say that I blame her. 

 By the last year of middle school, the only thing left from primary school were the good grades who were slightly lower than before. Grades and attitude were not the only things that changed about me. Although I hate to admit it, I also changed. Not sure if this happened because I wanted it to, or because it just had to, but there were only a few traces leading to the 9 years- old me. I guess that little girl had to be left behind.

  As I was changing, my mom's behavior was changing too. Things started going wrong more often for both of us. The amount of pressure not only from her but from everyone else increased wildly.

 While running from perfection I got trapped inside a hideous merry-go-round. 

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