Flowers, Feathers, And Dreamcatchers

Lily has a tendency to fall into bad habits when it comes to guys. Until she met Luke and everything changed. She was in love and happy and was convinced he was it. Until one day, nearly six months later, when Luke unexpectedly breaks up with her, shattering her heart and her perception on love. Lily falls into her bad habits again, convinced that's her destiny and she's not meant for love. Until she finds an unlikely friend and confidant in one of her one night stands.

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1. chapter 1

Salt. Shot. Lime. Repeat

Lick the salt. Take the shot. Suck on the lime. Repeat until you’re so numb the tequila doesn’t burn anymore, you forget your heart hurts, and you forget the ones that made your heart hurt.

Lately, that’s how all my nights seem to go anymore. I drink until I can no longer see straight and the hurt goes away. It usually ends up with me waking up in some guy’s bed just to do it all over again the next night.

I wasn’t always like this. There were moments I was happy and in love. But then they leave and the cycle starts all over again. Until six months ago. I was completely convinced I finally broke the cycle for good. Luke was everything I ever wanted in a guy. Talking to him was easy. I felt safe and I felt like I was home every time I looked at him. For the first time, I felt whole again. I remembered what pure happiness was like. I would think to myself this is it. He’s it.

But it was over all too soon.

 

✳✳✳

 

    “I just want to preface this by saying I’m sorry, Lily.” We were sitting on a hill behind the library. I avoided eye contact at all costs. I didn’t want it to be real. “I just don’t feel the same anymore. I have to be fair to myself, and that means ending it.” I sat in silence, fighting back the tears and staring straight ahead. “Can you at least say something?”

    “Like what.” I managed to choke out.

    “Anything. Please. Don’t just sit there. Yell at me. Hit me. Curse me out. Anything. I deserve it.” A tear rolled down my cheek as I turned to face the guy I had been in love with for the past 5 and a half months. The piercing blue eyes that once seemed soft and warm, that I easily lost myself in, were now cold and hard. More tears started to fall and I just shut my eyes. “No, Lily, don’t cry. Please don’t cry. Anything but tears.” I turned to face him again. Suddenly I no longer recognized the guy sitting in front of me.

    “Well what did you expect? That you would come here, tell me you don’t feel the same way anymore and I’d just smile and nod and say ‘okay’ and we’d go on our merry ways?” At this point, the tears were falling quicker and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

    “Not at all. I just hate that I’m making you cry. Get angry. Hit me, yell at me, come on.”

    “No, I’m not going to hit you or yell at you.” My vision was blurred and my head was spinning. I wanted so badly for it to be a really bad dream. It didn’t feel real. And I couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening.

    “I wish you would.” I focused on the library’s brick wall, tracing it with my mind.

    “Yeah, well, looks like we’re both wishing for things that aren’t going to happen.” We sat in silence again. Staring straight ahead, I kept digging my nails into the dirt and ripping grass blades out. I felt nauseous, my heart shattering more and more with every passing moment. All I could think about was how he had been distancing himself over the past few weeks and how naive I was for not noticing things changed.

    “Lily…” he broke the deafening silence, “I’m sorry.”

    “Yeah, me too.”

    “You have to believe it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. It’s not you, it’s me and my idiot self. And, I still care about you and your well being and I’ll always be here if you want to talk…” I couldn’t help but laugh at the cliché of it all. “Wait, why are you laughing?”

    “Because, Luke, you are literally such a fucking cliché.”

    “I know, I realize that, and I’m sorry.” I shook my head in response. I reached up to my neck and moved my necklace around in my fingers. The necklace was a gift he had given me less than a month prior. It was a little lily pendant because he knew how much I loved flowers and it was a play on my name. I unhooked the chain and removed the necklace, holding it out in front of him. It was a test. I was hoping he would tell me to keep it. Instead, he sighed, hesitated, and took it back. The second he grabbed the necklace I knew that was it. The last glimmer of hope faded out and my heart finished shattering. I hugged my knees to my chest and squeezed my eyes shut, deafening silence lingering in the air once more. I fixed my gaze on the library’s brick wall once more before breaking the silence.

    “They say if you love something, you have to set it free. If it’s truly meant to be, then it’ll find its way back to you. So,” I took a deep breath before continuing, “even though it kills me, and it tears me apart, it’s what I have to do. I never thought I’d have to and I’ll never understand it. But, it is what it is.” A tear rolled down his cheek and I refrained from reaching up and wiping it away. Instead, using  the little  strength I had remaining,  I stood up, dusted the dirt from my jeans, and walked away, leaving Luke behind with the remains of my shattered heart and trust. The only thought going through my head as I walked away from the only pure love I’ve ever known was who knew forever only lasted five and a half months.

    Part of me wanted him to come after me, to turn me around around and give me a kiss. To tell me he changed his mind and he wanted to stay with me after all. I wanted him to fight for me.

    But he didn’t.

    He didn’t follow me. He didn’t give me a kiss and tell me he changed his mind. He didn’t fight for me.

    It was real.

    The one guy I never thought would hurt me or break my heart did exactly that.

    Suddenly, everything I knew, or thought I knew, was a haze and seemed fake. The glass, like my heart, shattered and I was overcome with a wave of numbness. My ears were ringing and my vision blurred as I tried to walk back home.

    That night, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I went back to my old ways, the switch flipping almost instantly. The cycle started over again and I had a feeling it was going to be the most intense cycle I have ever been on.

 

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