The Jolly Boys

Shirley Stephenson is a bored housewife who never stops day in day out, its the same humdrum existence. Bob her husband is a lazy good for nothing. who lost his leg in an industrial accident and is claiming benefit fraudulently. he keeps her short and moans because she goes to the bingo. Shirley finds the courage to file for a divorce and free herself. her life is suddenly transformed after she finds all of the compensation that Bob has been hiding from her. she orders a taxi she takes £30.000 and takes a box with some things that her gran had left her.

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5. 5

“I cannot just go up and say hi molly giz five pints and by the way there’s my number you idiot.’

“Get yersel up there man Moaty the lads all urged and reluctantly Michael got out of his seat and walked up to the bar that was now empty.’

“Your round again asked Molly?’

“The lads sent me up, they are engrossed in the quiz like.’

“Are they indeed well they aren’t at the moment they are gawping at us.’

“Is there anything else that you’d like Michael?

“No Just the five pints as usual,’ do you work in here every night like?

No, just four nights a week, why do you ask?’

“Well, I was just curious you know with it being busy and that.’

“What about you what do you do with yourself.’

“Not a lot really, I come here then go to the club on a weekend.’

“Do you go with the lads there?

“Aye mostly.’

“What about your wife, do you not take her out like?’

“I’m divorced Molly, two years now. It’s a long story really I won’t bore you with the details.’

Do you have any kids?’

No,’ I think that’s where the problem was with Alice. She couldn’t have them you see and she blamed me. We had tests done you know and everything, and it turned out that it was her who had the problem. She thought that getting it on with another bloke would solve the problem. It didn’t; she left me for him and we got divorced.’

“Are you okay now?’

“Yes, I’m over it now.’

“So, are there no young ladies on the horizon?’

“No, I’ve just resigned myself to being on my own.’ What about you Molly?’

“I was in a long- term relationship, seven years then he turns around and tells me that he wanted his own space and that we should cool our relationship.’ Little did I know that he was knocking off another barmaid in the “Cluney?”

“So how long have you been on your own then?’

“About the same as you I think, I mean there are blokes in here you know that have asked me out but I know what they are after Michael.’ They just don’t like commitment.’

To be honest Molly I wouldn’t know where to start these days. It was you know different then, now it’s a different ball game. Women seem to want more and that scares me.’

“Well for starter’s you are doing alright and as for the rules of courtship little has changed apart from women wanting to be recognised, and have a little respect and independence. I think trust plays a big part too. I mean not many men would be seen dead with a barmaid because they think she is fair game for anyone. That is not the case at all Michael.’

“One day you will meet someone who appreciates you.’

 “I may have met him already.’

  “Well I hope he treats you better than your last fella.’ With that Michael picked up the tray then headed back to the table.

“Well they all said as he plonked the tray down on the table.’

“I’ve had a good chat with her and I think she’s got a fella.’

“Don’t be daft man, she’s gagging for it.’

“Michael then realised what Molly meant by fair game for anyone.’

“Where’s the answers to round two.’

“We filled them in and handed them in.

“But we’d only done about four or five.’

“Don’t worry skipper I think we got most of them right.’

Molly came to the table to collect the empties then looked at Michael. “How are you all doing in the quiz?’

Give us a clue will you Molly?’

“What do you mean?’

“Well the question is this said drop gob, are you going to let my mate here take you out or what. We see the way you look at him and him at you. Every week we come in here and it’s the same thing. You both need a push in the right direction.’

Molly picked up the glasses from the tray then looked at drop gob then said. Well if Michael wants to take me out then he’s only got to ask.’

“There you gan Mick, go on ask the lass.’

Michael looked up at Molly and then said “would you like to come out with me sometime.’

“I thought you’d never get around to asking me.’

“So, you will?’

“Yes, I will, Molly took a scrap of paper and took the pen from little legs then wrote down her number and gave it to Michael. “Give me a call and we will arrange a night out. This Friday is my night off.’

“Okay then I will call you.’

“Hooray said the lads on the table as Molly turned and winked at Michael.

The twenty-seven-year-old was smart looking, she was slim with a modern eighties style of dress, her hair was cut short. It was platinum blonde. She had piercing blue eyes and shapely legs.’

“There you go Michael you just scored.’

“Yes,’ and so have Juventus said Bob, its 2-2.’

“Who Scored said drop gob excitedly.’

“Giuseppe Galderisi.’

“Get in said Drop gob.’ How long is there to play?’

“Seventeen minutes of normal time.’

Trevor read out the answers and again it was Fred’s Dogs dead who kept a perfect score. Right we have your third round which is a music round, I need the name of the artist or group.

Trevor turned on his little ghetto baster and held the mike over the speaker so that the songs could be heard all over the room. When they were done he played parts of the ten songs again.

Bob came into his own here, it was his specialty round and he whizzed through the answers.

The team knew better to question Bob’s answers. Bob could get volatile at times so they accepted his better judgement.

  The answer sheet went in and they waited. Drop gob was more interested in the football score than the quiz and because he couldn’t see the TV screen kept asking the score.’

Bob kept him in suspense as he said Bayern have a free kick it’s in the area Paul Breitner who had scored the first goal lined up the ball whilst he chatted to Horst Hrubesch.

 It was hard to tell who was going to take the kick as Juve set up a four- man wall ten yards away Paul Breitner waited for the ref to blow his whistle and was about to make his run then Horst Hrubesch sprinted in and kicked the ball. It floated over the wall and into the top right- hand corner of the net

“Goal shouted Bob.’

“German bastards cursed drop gob, how long have we got before full time.’

“Seven minutes plus stoppages.’

“It’s aal over now said little legs, the Croutes won’t lose it now.’

Trevor gave them the answers to the music round and they handed in the picture round. They played their joker on the music round and it all came good; Bob had got them all right and they had doubled their score. The Dukes were still one point behind them Trumpton were still hard on their heels with only Two points separating them. The only worrying round was the wipe out round which was played last. If you got an answer wrong it wiped out all of your previous answers. The connection round proved tricky and they dropped one point. They were now level with The Dukes, Trumpton got ten points and were now only one point behind them as well so it was anybody’s quiz. “Imagine Lennon’s epitaph” named because the former Beatle and singer song writer had been shot dead in New York that day were just three points away.

Everything rested on these final fifteen questions as to who would either runaway with winning the quiz or would wipe themselves out with one wrong answer. You didn’t have to answer them all but it was all about getting as many points as possible. They started well and the first ten questions went down easy enough they answered them all. Then came the tester. Trevor asked “where are the smallest bones in the human body located.’

 “It’s your nose said little legs.’

“It could be the one in your kkknob, said drop gob.’

“There’s no bone in your cock said little legs.’

“Yes, there is, why do the American’s say I’ve got a right boner on here for then.’

“It’s just another term for an erection.’

“Actually, drop gob is right, there is a small bone at the base of your penis but I don’t think that it is the smallest said the team captain. My guess is that they are in your ear.’

“There’s no bones in your ear said little legs it’s just gristle.’

“I remember this from school said Moaty; they are in your inner ear, the incus, malleus, and the stapes.’

“Yes, I remember the hammer and the anvil said Bob.’

“Do you want to go for it asked Moaty?’

“Why not shit or bust isn’t it.’

“Well there’s four more answers to get.’

I think I know who the 36th president of the United States was. That was Linden Johnson after the Watergate scandal.

“What about this American summer pearmaine.’ Said Bob I think it’s not a pear at all but an apple.’

“Do you want to risk it lads.’

“Yes, let’s go for it.’

“Okay number fourteen what shape has the most number of sides?’

“I’m not sure on this one, I’ve heard it before but I’m unsure if it is a googolgon, or a megagon.’ If I had to take a stab at it said Moaty it I would have to say Megagon.’

“Okay I think we should leave that one.’

“What about how many number ones in the British charts did the Beatles have?’

 Bob who looked at Moaty and said 17 and that’s in the list of British hit singles that I have.’

Okay we have fourteen answers; at the least we will get third place and some money.’

Little legs filled in the answer sheet and Bob went to the bar to get the last round in.

They waited until Trevor asked for the sheet before passing it over to him.’

They sat patiently waiting for the answers as Paulo Rossi was brought down in the penalty area and the referee pointed to the spot. I don’t believe it Rossi has got a penalty in the last minute of play.

Rob came around to watch as Rossi slotted the ball home and it was 3-3. The ball was rushed to the centre circle as two minutes were added on. Juventus pulled everyone back and drop gob stood urging the ref to blow his whistle.’

It went over the two minutes and Rob shouted “Blow the whistle” you Swedish bastard.’

Just then the ref went to his pocket and then blew the whistle.’

“Get in said Rob I’ve won.’

What happens if they lose the match?’

It doesn’t matter I still get my money for it going to extra time. I will get a few grand if they win I can tell you.’ Because I said they would win on penalties. Trevor read out the scores and The Dukes had blown it with the largest number of sides on a shape. They were wiped out. Trumpton played it safe and answered only twelve meaning that they were the winners.’ Well done said Bob there’s another twenty quid in the kitty.

“How much have we got now asked Moaty?’

“To date about £264 that’s not including the Jackpots and spot prizes we’ve won said Bob.’

“I reckon we are close to £400 all told.’

“That’ll be a canny pay out by Christmas then.’ We should get at least a hundred quid each.’

Moaty took the money for the jackpot as the bell for last orders sounded.

“Rob it’s your shout.’

I’ve bought a round its Drop gobs shout

“Aaaa know it is, keep your hair on Rob, Brian Stewart got up and went to the bar as Moaty got the five jackpot tickets.

The purpose of the quiz was to keep people in the bar until closing in order to make more money from beer sales. 

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