The Jolly Boys

Shirley Stephenson is a bored housewife who never stops day in day out, its the same humdrum existence. Bob her husband is a lazy good for nothing. who lost his leg in an industrial accident and is claiming benefit fraudulently. he keeps her short and moans because she goes to the bingo. Shirley finds the courage to file for a divorce and free herself. her life is suddenly transformed after she finds all of the compensation that Bob has been hiding from her. she orders a taxi she takes £30.000 and takes a box with some things that her gran had left her.

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Albert shook his hand and then said “Bob Stephenson has opened the box ladies and gentlemen he has just won “£1180 pounds, I forgot to mention the ticket sales from tonight plus £20 pounds for the winning ticket I gave you so that’s £1200 pounds in total.

Betty Bumface was seething as Bob went to the committee room and they gave him £180 pounds in cash then wrote him a cheque for £1000 pounds.

He came out and went to the bar and bought Albert Snowdon and Brenda Main a drink then his father and Bumface just a single vodka and some draft tonic instead of a bottle Schweppes she normally got.

“What are you going to do with all of that money? Said Bumface with a grin, you’ll be sharing it three ways’, won’t you?’

“No said Bob, you don’t share with me when you win.’

I’m going to Turkey soon so that will go towards that. ‘

“What,’ you are going to Turkey and then to Cyprus as well.’

“Yes,’ nice eh.’

“How long you going for?’

“Two weeks and before you get any bright ideas about selling tickets or bingo books I’ve got it covered.’

“Who’s doing them?

“I’ve got Billy Hunter doing them.’

“What’s wrong with me doing them like?’

“I wouldn’t trust you as far as I could shit up a hill.’

Bob finished his pint then told his father that he was getting a taxi back home. He slipped him a hundred pounds when Betty had gone to the toilet.’

It’s alright son you keep it.’

“No fatha,’ put it away before she comes back.’

Bob went to the door and called for a taxi from Westholme Club. Davy Stobart turned up five minutes later. He told him that he would have to give up working in the office as someone had shopped him as he sat in the front.’

“Bastards, lowest of the low they are.’ I hope that they find themselves in the same position as you Bob and someone shits on them.’ I’ve got to go to Arden House on the 14th of next month. I wouldn’t care but I’ve booked to go to Turkey with “The Jolly Boys and Cyprus with my father.’

“What you going to do now?’

“To hell with Social Davy, I’m still going. I had saved up to go so fuck them I’m going.’   

“Good on you mate, don’t let the bastards spoil your holiday.’

“I don’t know how I’m going to get on at this medical. The rules are changing and they’ve got everybody on invalidity screwed.

“Well listen Bob my brother in law went a few months ago and you are filmed from the time you get off the metro and again after so get a taxi there and back. He reckons that they try to trip you up with questions.’

“Well I’ll be ready for them don’t worry, I had a young bloody upstart on the phone yesterday and I wrapped her up.

“These decision makers whoever they are must be well paid because the bastards are signing people off left, right, and centre.’

“If the sods hadn’t finished me I’d still be shot blasting at Barriers.’

“Wankers.’

“Davy dropped Bob off and didn’t charge him and wished him luck with his medical assessment.

 

The evening of the departure to Newcastle Airport “The Jolly Boys” were all waiting in the Forum in Wallsend outside of the Anson with their cases. Chris the driver got out and placed the cases inside the mini bus then closes the door and set off. The lads all had their Hawaiian shirts on and shorts; it was bloody freezing outside and the lads had been waiting twenty minutes. “Christ, you lot are game aren’t you wearing that lot on a night like this. It’s cold enough to freeze the bollocks off a brass monkey.’

“Yes Chris, but in four hours from now we will be sipping on an ice-cold beer in a bar in Turkey and it will be in the high 70’s.’

“Lucky bastards,’ it’s nearly five years since I had a holiday abroad.’ Wor Angela wanted to go this poxy place called Alcudia. It should have been called pushchair city because the amount of kids there was phenomenal. Screaming kid’s, I had to put up with for a week. I couldn’t wait to get back home.’ I needed a holiday to get over the holiday I’d just been on.’

The lads all laughed, you have to get yourself on a lad’s holiday Chris, “The Jolly Boys” always have a good time, don’t we boys?’

“Aye they all voiced in unison.

“We’ve never had a bad one yet. The best piss up ever mate. No kids or fucking nagging wives, just pure unadulterated sun, sand and sex, mind you what goes on, on our holiday’s.

“Stays on holiday Chris they all said.’

“I wish I was going with you all, I could do with some of that sun, sand, and sex. With the bloody hour’s I work I’ve got no time for sex these days.

“Well don’t delay my friend get your name down for the “The Jolly Boys” Tour mind you’ve got to get in the holiday spirit when we go out. We don’t give a shite when we are abroad.

“We wear outrageous gear when we go out.’

 “Are you kidding, I’m fucking twenty-two stone and six feet six said Chris, how would I get outfit to fit me.

“Aye that might prove a bit difficult like, said Glen Elsdon.’

“Well you shouldn’t be such a fat sod said Bilko.’

“Cheeky bastard, look at the gut on you.’

“That’s all bought and paid for said Bilko as he rubbed his belly.’

“So how long you lads away for?’

“Two weeks said Bob who was sitting up front because of his leg.’

“Two weeks, Christ you don’t do things by halves do you.’

“No,’ strictly pints only for us lot Freddy said laughing.’

“And a few dozen shorts hoyed in as well said Bilko.’

“Well that’s obligatory said “Slack Arse.’

Chris hit the motorway to Ponteland he told them they would reach the airport in ten minutes. “Straight to the departure lounge for a pint, boys said Freddy Leck who could drink any man under the table. Twenty pints a session was nothing to him and he was like a man mountain with doing the weights. The former soldier liked a drink it was fair to say. He was a formidable fighter as well. They never had any bother with him around. Bob saw him knock out four men one night when some blokes full of Dutch courage began to take the piss out of him. Freddy just stood up and when the biggest one made a comment about how Bob would give a bird a one leg stand cos’ he didn’t have two.

Freddy punched him so hard he lifted him off his feet and he was sent sprawling over some tables; his mates joined in and Freddy swatted them all like flies. He left them all in a heap. Freddy would have made a great heavyweight boxer at six feet one in his bare feet and two hundred pounds of pure muscle he was a force to be reckoned with. He was so quick on his feet for a big man it surprised a lot of men.

Chris drove them to the terminal building and said he’d pick them up again in two weeks- time if they rang him. He unloaded the mini bus and the lads paid him and left him a hefty tip. As Lecky went to get the trolley for all of the cases. He lifted the cases onto it as it he was picking up tissue paper then pushed the trolley to the main doors. Bob would have to get the ambi lift because of his leg. Freddy got him a wheelchair as the lads checked in the luggage. Once they passed though the checks Freddy Leck push Bob to the departure lounge and straight to the bar. He ordered the round and got himself two pints. He handed a pint to his friend then pushed him back to the table and then went to get the tray of drinks for the others. He drank his first in less than three seconds then picked up his next.

The Jolly Boys paid no mind but others in the departure lounge were nudging their mates and pointing as Freddy demolished the other and went back to the bar for another two.

 By the time they were called to board the plane Freddy had downed ten pints and the others just five.

Freddy liked to eat too and bought himself four king sized chicken burgers from the café to eat on the plane. They would be down his neck in a few minutes and he would be licking his fingers afterwards.

“Again, the lads were all familiar with his eating habits as Freddy liked to eat every two hours.’

The woman sitting opposite him sat with mouth gaped as Freddy made short work of the burgers. They looked like little buns in his huge hands. He took a size fifteen boots and size sixteen training shoes. He looked over at the woman and gave her a wink.  She smiled at him then she looked at the size of his biceps.

He sat with slack arse because he was the skinniest in “The Jolly Boys.” Beers all round said Freddy as the air hostess came around with the trolley. She looked at Freddy and smiled. His blond locks and bronze coloured body made him look a lot younger than his thirty-two years that he was. Within five minutes he had the girls name and phone number. “See you in Dalaman when we land said Dominique William’s.’

The lads all looked at the tall dark- haired beauty as she moved further down the plane.

“How do you do it said Slack Arse as the hostess moved on.

“Pure charm my friend.’ Pure charm.’

“Let’s hope she’s got friends then said Glen who was the youngest of “The Jolly Boys” He worked in a gym further down from the one Freddy went to and could get anyone steroids if they wanted them. No-one questioned him when he would go missing for a few hours and would come back with a load of gear that he could sell to the bodybuilders and other people in the gangster fraternity who frequented his gym. Everyone knew he was working for Viv Graham but were wise enough to say nothing. Packs of creatine, Testosterone, Decca, Clenbuterol, Stanozolol (Winny), Equipoise, Danazol, Anadrol, Anavar, would be filled into a spare case and then brought back to England and sold for vast sums of money. They were bought over the counter in Turkey and no questions asked. He was a user himself although he was only five feet six he had the body of a light heavyweight boxer. He spent hours under the sun cradles in the gym free to keep his tan up. Freddy warned him of the dangers of taking steroids (Rhoids) but Glen said he knew what he was doing so Freddy just let him go.

The plane landed in Dalaman Airport and after collecting their luggage they boarded the coach that would drop them off first at the Siesta Hotel. The journey took them twenty-five minutes and by the time they had checked in it was eight o’clock. The lads dumped their cases in the apartment then got a safe sorted out then only took out enough money for that evening. Freddy was the designated key holder for both the safe and room. They headed down the street after leaving the hotel by the poolside. They headed to “Rush” a steak bar where Freddy Leck ordered a huge T-bone that must have weighed three pounds with six eggs and a baked potato. The rest of the boys got the standard sized meal Freddy had to wait that little bit longer for his but when it came it hung over the biggest plate they ever seen. He had drunk eight bottles of “Effes” lager which was the best that they had in Turkey. Freddy started in on the steak and eggs, he really was a throw- back to a cave man as large pieces of meat went into his mouth and were chewed and swallowed.

“What time you meeting that bird?’

Nine o’clock in the déjà vu.’

 “It’s just further down the street, I just noticed it as we came over.

“Well we’ll head on down there with you for one then if she’s on her tod you can give us the keys and we’ll bugger off.’ We might as well just stay local tonight. We can go to Marmaris tomorrow. I know this German couple who have a boat that we can go out on you can bring your own beer on board and they’ll put it in the fridge for you. Its gentle music and just lying on the top deck getting a suntan.

“Sounds good to me said Glen.’

They paid the bill after they’d eaten and then headed down to the bar. They walked in and Freddy spotted Dominique Williams sitting with three others.

“Well one of us is going to be sleeping alone tonight.

“Hard lines Slack Arse said Bilko.’

“What the hell do you mean hard lines. When she sees the size of your belly you’ll be blown out.’

“How long is it since you saw your cock anyway.’

“At least I’ve got one; yours is that small, it looks like a pair of fanny lips.’

“Come on boys play nice said Bob.’

Freddy walked over and asked the girls if they wanted a drink. Dominique introduced her friends to him and the others.’

“How come you are off tonight asked Bob.’

 “We have a flight back tomorrow at 7a.m.

“You’re are not going to get much sleep tonight then said Glen.’

“We’re used to it, we do this run five times a week then we usually do a turn around and do Marmaris the following week.’

“That’s good because we go to Marmaris mostly as Bob here knows his way around.’

Beatrice Webber looked at Bob and asked how he’d lost his leg.’ “Were you in the forces?’

“I was tap dancing on stage and fell off, I was the back end of the donkey in the panto.’

“Really said Beatrice.’

“No, I’m just kidding, I fell off some scaffolding whilst shot-blasting a ship.’

“It was a good ice breaker as Beatrice laughed.’

“Marjorie Cooper latched onto Glen and Dianne Glass got friendly with Slack Arse leaving Bilko fighting to get into the conversation. Dianne told Bilko that her friend was meeting her in Charlies bar later which cheered him up somewhat. The drinks were flowing as well as shots of jaeger bombers.

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