The Fight Never Ends

Just a lil bit of how I feel here n there...

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1. Rejected

            It’s the worst type of heartache I’ve ever known.

            Wondering if someone you’ve spent your entire childhood idolizing and making happy memories with will respond. Even after all the carefully constructed texts and voicemail calls, you can already guarantee the outcome.

            Frustrated.

            Hopeless.

            Lost.

            Among only a few of the words that I can describe how this barren void feels within the centre of my core!

            How can I hide these overwhelming emotions inside of me? How can I ignore the very actions that I was wrong for doing in the first place? How can I forget about the very person who raised me from the very moment I was born until I barely walked out of school with 8 qualifications?

            Well, that is if you can call putting your life on hold for 2 years and fast-forwarding into the world of work once you get married, because ‘you have bills to pay and a roof to keep over your head’, raising me…

            Either way, to have someone there for pretty much most of your life and then disappear the second you move pretty much feels like a huge stab in the heart. Especially when they previously told you to continuously keep them ‘in the loop’ so they don’t get left behind and not have the favour returned!

            I remember the sunny days when, no matter what he had planned, he would tell little Leah and I to put our coats on and we’d go down to the park to play on the swings or the farm to ride the horses or even to go out for just a simple walk with Sheba!

            But hey, like everything else they all vanished the moment that wretched phone-call came 9 years ago!

            Of all people, it had to be my dad who lets me down time and again before re-building my expectations that things will go back to the way they used to be!

            Somehow, though, even in those rare moments that I’m actually withholding a full conversation with him, I still can’t help but feel like he’s not listening to the warnings I keep trying to give him…

            I just can’t help but feel unwanted and replaced by a high-maintenance stepmother and an overbearing stepsister.

            I feel rejected!

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