The Fight Never Ends

Just a lil bit of how I feel here n there...

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6. I Try My Best!

I really don’t appreciate people mixing up my words and accusing me of doing things I haven’t done or never even dreamed of doing.

Especially from an aunt who knows nothing about me and doesn’t listen to the things I say properly, and only hears the things she wants to hear.

Yes, I want to work.

Yes, I want to train before I work.

No, I can’t work yet because I’M NOT WELL ENOUGH YET!

Depression and Anxiety isn’t something you can fix with a click of a button and a lifestyle of routine and a job to go to. Heck, it can’t even be fixed with the medication I’m on, but the medication sure as hell helps me to control my moods and bite my tongue!

I hate how she judges me for the things I say and the things I do, when she doesn’t even know the life I’ve walked!

My uncle died on my 9th birthday.

I once had a stepmother who threatened to kill me and my dad!

I’ve almost been raped twice, by two different people. One of them being my brother’s best friend and the other being my best friend’s brother!!

I’ve been in an abusive relationship.

I’ve moved across the country and got bullied severely due to my welsh accent and different ways!

I have a mum who’s being stalked and harassed by her ex-husband, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I had a dad who abandoned me emotionally for 2 years on my 9th birthday, so I was forced to grow up and learn to do things by myself!

And what’s worse? He ignored me when I cried for help, so I didn’t get diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety for 6 years out of the 10 years I’ve been suffering with this condition.

I can’t stick at any training, volunteer job or college course I apply for because I end up having a mental breakdown and losing my mind and motivation!

Heck, I didn’t even know my Great Grandmother was alive until a month ago because my dad never told me what happened to her and only said that ‘he lost contact with her’. And she doesn’t want to see him because apparently, he wasn’t there for her when she was healthy enough to see him!

I’ve been stabbed in the back, patronised and spoken down to because I apparently ‘don’t know the truth’ or ‘have been told a bunch of lies so don’t know what I’m talking about’. I’ve been accused of following the crowd, even though I like to have my own mindset and try to lead by example!

My life isn’t a walk in the park, and when I say I want to get better and stable before I try working in my chosen career path, I mean it!

People who work in the Health and Social Care sector need to have a stable and clear mind before they even think about assisting vulnerable adults or children!

And it’s not like I don’t have a job neither, I’m an on-call babysitter for my neighbours in case of emergencies and when they need a break from their four kids! And I do get paid by them when they can afford to give me the cash!

I don’t want to be a skivvy or at the bottom of the pile, but no one is going to hire me if my mental health problem isn’t under control, are they?

Every day, I struggle to get out of bed because I don’t want to face what the day has for me! Because my anxiety tells me that there’s too much to do that I can’t face up to! And my depression tells me there’s no point anymore because no one cares or appreciates anything I do or try to achieve.

Every night I struggle to fall asleep because my mind races with everything that I’ve done wrong, every mistake I’ve made, anything negative people have said to me and could say in the future. I can’t stop thinking about the what happened and what ifs!

I can’t get a job because I haven’t achieved the right qualifications due to my struggles in staying in school and the amount of moves I’ve done over my life! I can’t get a job because I don’t have the right experience and nowhere decent will hire me to help me get the skills I need! And I can’t get a job because I have only one reference to put down on my CV and the other won’t count because he’s my own dad!

And I can’t bloody well start my own business because I haven’t got the money to neither!

Before you judge me, walk in my shoes and see how you’d feel if I were to speak to you the way you speak to me about what I should have done in my life and how I should present myself!

Before you judge me for how I treat my health conditions, try having them and living with it how poor and limited I am with trying to treat them myself!

And don’t you dare tell me that anything my dad has told me is a lie, because my dad would never lie to me about such sensitive matters that are close to his heart! He certainly wouldn’t lie to me about having a sister that died of a brain tumour!

Think before you bloody well speak and if you can’t say anything nice, just fuck off and think of something nice to say to me you fucking frog!

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