The Fight Never Ends

Just a lil bit of how I feel here n there...


5. Fear

Why is it that it’s never the worst thing that could happen that gives me fear and worry, but the aftermath and remains that those events could leave behind?

People always say to me to try and not think of the worst possible situation when I have panic attacks, but that’s never the reason my panic worsens. It’s the thought of what’s left behind and the chain reaction that comes after the event.

It’s scary to think that my nanny is the first grandparent that I’ll lose, but it’s not the thought of that that worries me. What brings me down and makes me feel worse is the thought that my grandad will be left behind to go about his daily life alone.

I know this feeling will pass, and that I will be okay, but the thoughts continue to cloud my mind and pull me back deeper into the tunnel I’m fighting to get out of.

Deeper into the cage I fought so hard to be free from.

For now, I know that I just need to spend as much time as I can with my nanny before the time comes and I can feel the whispers from God telling me that this will be the right thing to do.

I just need to get over my fear of having a future without her.

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