The Fight Never Ends

Just a lil bit of how I feel here n there...

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3. Cursed

            I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

            It’s almost as if the very person I envision myself to be has been struck down, trodden on, and defeated in a battle that’s against only the demons within my mind. The very demons that whisper in my ear and bring me thoughts that I thought had ceased when I moved away from the toxic people within my life.

            As the doctors so often remind me, this condition of mine may be a war that will never end and that my only source of comfort will be from the medication that should never have been removed from my lifestyle.

            The very medication that keeps me up at night with all my night terrors and worries that may have already happened or have yet to be.

            I am so scared of the dark thoughts that consume my mind, that I can barely take a step out of my own bed without being worried about the tasks I must complete in the day ahead or the people I may have to face that have brought countless and countless of miseries and trauma to my life.

            My comfort, in which I used to draw from my writing, now only comes from the pets I own and live with along with the people who have proved their presence in my darkest times of need.

            But even then, I’m still frightened to call upon them for a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear my worries for they may think I’m crazy or turn their backs on me and think I’m stupid for even having these thoughts and worries.

            I don’t want to abuse their kind words.

            Every day, every week, and every month I work hard to try and build myself up to wanting to leave the house or try and start my adult life, but something always drags me down. Someone always has to ridicule me in my attempt to save myself from my mental state before I pursue my dream of caring for and helping others.

            So why do I beat myself up about this over and over again?

            Why can’t I bring myself to talk to someone that I know and trust?

            Why can’t I be honest and just ask for help when I know I need it?

            I feel like I’m in a constant circle of breaking down, building myself back up, finding a source of income and steadiness, losing motivation, and breaking down again!!

            All I want to do is live a normal life!!!

            But I guess normal isn’t for me.

            Although people say everything happens for a reason, it doesn’t feel like that when it comes to me. It feels like everyone hates me. Nothing I do is ever right. The things I don’t do is ever right. And the people in my life are disappointed in me.

            I just feel cursed..

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