The lies

Love is a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, that ranges from deepest interpersonal affection to simple pleasure. Most commonly, love refers to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. *This is a Narry fanfiction about love and about to hide* *Made just for Narry fandom and them only*


2. 02 In the dark

"Niall, you need to finish the work before Friday and submit the report for the last six months!"
I looked up at my boss Louis. I nodded and I took the papers from his hands. This was slavery, but I needed my job at the bank. I had fought hard to get here and I had truly done my best. I was the guy who fixed and I was known to be the one as knew all about numbers. My private life was like a desert, and I lived and breathed only for work. Perhaps I should say no sometimes and maybe I should say stop to them? Nevertheless, I continued in the same vein as before. I didn't dare to think about love or about things that mattered my private life. It was something I didn't dare to think about. It was so simple when I was younger. I played football, I was did a lot of golf and I socialized with friends. Then came the teens and everything just became chaos around me. Yes, it become wrong for me. I found myself one day to sit and stare at some guys. Instead of being like them and chase after girls, I fantasized about boys. I was ashamed about that fact and I knew it was wrong. I knew a guy shouldn't do so, but it was something that attracted me with a naked man's bodyTherefore, my work on the bank became a rescue. I was fast and I often worked overtime, all just to avoid having a private life. Sometimes I went home to Ireland again to let my parents see me, but that was just an excuse to take a short break so that I would have more energy over at home.


It was easy to blend in into a big city like London. All I had to do was to just take care of myself. I lived in a better part of the town and my apartment was my everything. It was modern and I had everything I needed in there. I put money into my home and on clothing. I had jackets for all occasions and I chose a simple taste. Tie, shirt, jacket and everything to look like a true banker. "The tie is what make the man", someone had said to me and I agreed. My ties made me to become me and to look like a real man. The first thing I did in the morning was to choose the tie as I would have on during the day. I had them in all colors and variants. I had accumulated to me over a hundred ties and somehow I wanted to convince myself that I was a real man. I was such a guy that girls wanted and I had the power, in my own small way. When I went into a pub all saw an ordinary young guy who had success in life and he wasn't odd in any way. I was like everyone else and I withheld my sexual orientation. Not even I knew how much gay I was. I didn't test the limits. I didn't want to prove that I was one of those who pointed myself to my own gender. No, I was editing it and I would continue in that way, to be that person as they thought I was.


It was tiring to drive home in the evening but somehow it was all a habit as I really liked. I parked and I took the elevator up to the apartment. I put the bag in the chair and I loosened the knot on the tie. I threw my jacket over a chair and walked over to my bar counter. I took a glass of whiskey and sat down on the sofa. It was closer to midnight and I could only get a few hours sleep, but it didn't matter. I wanted to work and I didn't want to have to think about a life outside that part in my life. Still, the idea came up. What if there was a guy out there that suited me perfectly? I sensed that he had long been assured that he was gay and when he saw me, he would convince me to be gay. Sure, why not? My imagination had no limits on what I thought would happen. Sometimes I imagined that he was riding a horse and saved me from a boring life. Sometimes he was a vampire, but mostly he was just one of the crowd. I suspected in the end that I didn't know what he looked like. Sometimes I preferred blond guys and sometimes dark guys. I myself had tested both variants. I bleached my hair when I was younger, but now I realized that it was just silly to do so. Instead, I let my hair be dark and naturally. After I had realized that I was a hairy a man, over the chest, I let my face even get a little beard. Why not? A man had a beard and I was a man?


I drank it all up out from the glass and put it down on the table. I slowly undid the buttons on my shirt and I looked out the window at the dark night sky. I was alone and I had no love in life, so far, I was afraid over what that meant. I would have to play a role if I wanted to be with a girl. Or would I show the world who I really was? Somehow, I was a loser in both ends. if I chose a girl I would play another person throughout my life, but if I chose a guy would my family never understand why. I was a total stranger to myself. I was a lost soul who wished that God could just give me a sign. "Niall, you're gay!" or perhaps "Niall, you'll be with a woman." In both cases, I had at least received guidance. Right now, I was in the dark and I didn't know if I dared to think about love or over what would happen after this day or after the day after that day. I was living now, and that was all....

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