Being Amber

Without any memory of her past and not knowing why people react to her as they do, Amber has to learn to survive in the hard underworld of the City, among gangs and the unwanted citizens.
Her appearent resemblance with Ben's dead girlfriend, places her in the middle of a war that easily can cost her and others their lives.
In her quest to find her identity Amber has to learn to tell friend from foe, see behind the lies and decide if Ben's past matters at all.
When Ben asks Tom to train Amber he gets pulled into the war happening around him, far more than he wants to be.
Tom's alliance with Ben hangs in a thin tread when he not only falls in love with Amber but also starts a relationship with Kattie, who already has a boyfriend in Clay, Ben's second in command.
Will Amber ever find out who she really is ?
And how Will they get through the war ?


4. Seeking comfort


 I was alone in the training room when Kattie showed up. She had been crying, that was all to clear to see. Automatically I stopped what I was doing and looked at her, waiting for her to tell. 

 "Ben fell in". She said on a sob as she stepped up to me and dissapered into my arms, like it was the most natural thing in the world. "He went directly to bed this time, but I could see it in his eyes". Of course she could. She had seen him like that plenty of times since Amber died.

 "We will get through this Kat". I said trying to soothe her and allowing myself to kiss her forehead. Almost like a reflex she lifted her head and I knew what she wanted. She always did that when Ben had been rough on her and she needed comfort. She came to me, dissapeared into my arms and let me kiss her. This time I didn't and I could see the disappointment in her eyes.

 "The girl woke up". Kattie whispered, hiding her face against my chest. "She can't remember anything and Ben...". The words got stuck in her throat. She looked pleadingly up at me. "Please Tom, kiss me like you used to before". I had never heard Kattie beg for anything in her life.

 "And what about Clay ?" I asked and pushed a strain of hair that had escaped har braid behind her ear. Normally that wouldn't really have held me back. But Clay was second in command and our alliance with The Shadows were strained as it was.

 "I feel so alone". She whispered and closed her eyes. "I miss us".

 Kattie and Ben had started The Shadows together. They had raised her sister Hope together and it would surprise me if there had never been anything else between them. But Kattie and me had a different story. I was the one who trained her when no one else would, I had stood by her side when Zac and Mike made fun of her for being a girl. The first time we saw someone die we were together. We had fought our share of battles together and we had explored our teenage years together.

 I missed Kattie. I missed when she used to sneak into my bed at night or we broke into the waterparks together to swim in the pools alone just the two of us. I missed our youth. Which were wrong, we were both still young. I had only just turned twenty-six and she was twenty-four.

 Just like me and Zac's friendship had changed when he became second in command and later when I became leader, so had Kattie's and mine changed. We were no longer carefree teenagers. And she had Clay.

 "You know very well that I miss it too". I told her, pulling her closer to me. Without thinking my fingers found the bare skin on her lower back and I couldn't stop myself from caressing it gently. "So what did Ben do about the girls missing memory ?" I had to focus on something else.

 "He gave her the name Amber". I could hear the fustration in her voice and I understood her. That name could very well be her death sentence.

 "It's not her fault". I said, both to myself and to Kattie. "We can't let her pay the price for Ben's stupidity".

 "I didn't know were to go". The tears once again filled Kattie's eyes when she looked up at me. Her hands locked together behind my neck. "I just need to forget it all for just a moment". Her lips caressed the bottom of my neck.

 "Clay ?!" I whispered on a held back breath.

 "Is still unconscious and can't really help me". She answered, stretching up on her toes so her lips could reach mine. With a sigh I gave in and kissed her back.

 It felt amazing kissing her again. She was strong and I didn't need to worry about breaking her and when she pressed her body into mine like this, not accepting a no it left my whole body aflame with desire. "Let's go to your room". She whispered in my ear.

 As soon as the door was closed behind us, she grabbed me and pulled me to her. She kissed me again as she pulled of my shirt. I didn't protest but pushed her towards my bed.

 As soon as I was within reach, I opened the night stand and found what I needed. Without breaking our kiss I pushed the needle into her neck and pushed down the piston before she could pull away. Her eyes told me how disappointed she was.

 "I'm sorry baby". I whispered softly as I pulled out the needle. Her lips tried to form a word, but she never managed to before she collapsed in my arms and I gently lay her down on my bed.

 I sighed and threw the syringe back in the drawer. It had been to close. No matter how much I wanted her, no matter how much I missed her, I just couldn't do it. Not to Clay and not to her.


 When I stepped into the apartment KC and Hope was sitting in a armchair each. KC's face was emotionless and Hope's told me she had been crying. "Kattie is at my place". I told them. "I gave her something to sleep on".

 "I did the same with Ben". KC said without looking at me. "He was high as a kite".

 "Yeah Kattie told me ..".

 "She don't know how it turned out". KC slowly raised his eyes to look at me. "She left as soon as he had given her the name".

 "What else did he do ?" I was extremely worried now.

 "Beside forbidding us to ever mention the name Sarah Noble anywhere near her ?" Hope's voice sounded more and more like Kattie's each day. "The rest you better see for yourself".

 I didn't wait for any of them before hurrying to the room where I had carried her myself. I feared the worst, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. He had cut her hair shorter, so it now only reached right below her shoulders and he had dyed it several shades darker. There was nothing else to see.

 "I don't get him, at all". KC's voice sounded behind me. "First he gives her that name because she looks like Amber and then he makes Hope change her hair to make her look less like her. Why ?"

 "How much time went by after him giving her the name before he wanted to change her ?" I asked feeling for her pulse. It was a habit when people was unconscious and sedated.

 "A couple of hours maybe". KC answered. "He spent an awful long time just staring at her and mumbling to himself.

 "My best guess is that the drugs started wearing of and he got more clear headed. He couldn't take back the name, but he could make her different from Amber in another way". I said.

 "But it doesn't make it all okay again". KC pointed out.

 I nodded. "No but it shows that Ben isn't completely of the racket. If we can just get him to stay away from the damn drugs".

 "Not exactly the easiest assignment in the world as he makes his money selling them". KC said dryly.

 "He needs to want to stop himself". I turned towards KC. "Who knows, maybe she will be his salvation".

 "Or she will finish him of".

 "Well she can end up being the end of us all, of the entire underworld taking into consideration who she is". What would we do if her father found her ? What about when Zombie found out about her ? And what if she didn't want to stay but wanted to go home ? Would Ben be able to let her leave ?

 "She is not going to survive this". KC said with regret. "She don't have the physics or the psychological strength for this life".

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