Rants

I don't entirely know what category to put this under but this is me ranting about my life.

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1. Rant 1

       Today I saw his picture for the first time in weeks and I had to remind myself that it isn't okay to feel the way I do when I look at him anymore. It isn't okay for my heart to beat faster and for the strange lump to form at the base of my throat. It isn't okay for my stomach to stir with the feels off affection and the aches I get when I haven't been around him for a period of time. It isn't okay for my brain to start down my memories because, no matter what he has done to me, my brain always seems to uncover the slight few that actually made me happy. It got me thinking, the brain plays a terrible trick on a person when they fall in love. See the person isn't even sure if the other person is in the same place as they are but the brain allows them to go blind into the dragons den, forcing them to avoid and avoid and avoid the nasty stinging pain from the fire released upon them. In the end, a person can only avoid for so long.

         I heard a story the other day about nerves that assist in the pumping motion for the heart called heart stings. You see, when the heart goes under significant stress due to traumatic events, the strings that allow the heart to pump begin to break. As I sat there staring at the one shred of visual representation that doesn't even do the actual thing a pinch of justice, I felt a funny ache come from my chest and for the first time I knew that without a doubt in the world I was madly in love with him. The only sad part to this revelation was that it took a stupid five minute article and physical pain to realize it. 

       I bashed my head against a brick wall of doubt for months trying to figure everything out and it took one tiny piece of evidence to decide that the way I was feeling, wasn't a hoax. The brain is a frustrating thing. Just as I feel I have everything figured out, it opens up a new door and laughs maliciously in my face. No one will ever fully understand me because, I will never fully understand myself. I am a masterpiece of broken scraps, thrown together lazily by every person I have ever loved. I am pain, heartbreak, violence, laughter, joy, excitement, happiness, and sadness. I am a walking contradiction and an enigma of the mind.

        I am who I am, that will never change. The funny thing is, as I write this and read it back, I realize a few things. His picture no longer causes me any pain. It causes me an empty feeling of numb safety and gratitude. Thank you for allowing me in and thank you for showing me the way it feelings to love someone with no intention to love me back. Unrequited love is not some beautiful thing just because society dresses it in a pretty pink dress and ties a bow in its hair. Unrequited love is a silent killer that rips at your insides and takes away the only character that you had left. So in essence, unrequited love is a traumatic experience that when strung out for too long could cause the heart strings and nerve endings to break. Not being loved by someone could kill you, but how can it kill you when you're already dead?

         

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