The Bar Code Parody

Many years into the future, civilization has become fixated on a new piece of technology which allows the user to keep all of their information on their bare skin in the form of a barcode. Society has become so fixated on it that the ones that don't have one of the essential barcodes are deemed to fail in society, and just suck at life in general.
Sapphire Serenity, however, isn't phased about this technological advancement in the slightest and would rather remain an remarkable individual who happens to be the biggest outcast in her entire high school. But when things start turning for the worst, Sapphire has no other option, but to turn into one of the biggest Mary Sues in literature history.

Give credit to the original, The Barcode Tattoo by Suzanne Weyn.


8. Bland Secondary Characters UNITE!

"Why do we still have 18th century lockers when it's way past that time period?" Sapphire questions shutting her ridiculously old locker. Daria- oh I meant - Ferrizin shrugs.

 "How am I supposed to know when some annoying prep is standing by?" Sapphire didn't know what she meant by that until she felt a hot breath on her shoulder and turned to see Execzor standing behind them.

 "hI...." He greets creepily.

 "Piss off, prep." Ferrizin said demeaningly.

Execzor only got out a Debbie Cake and held it out to them.

 "You girls want a snack?"

Ferrizin rolled her eyes and leaves for her next class. Execzor ate the snack before Sapphire could even decide about the important issue. But just then, important characters showed up! You could tell they were special because they dressed like no other human NPC ever would, just like Sapphire. Being the heroine, of course Sapphire would have seen these freshly spawned folks before.

 The obvious nerd/weeaboo of the group was named Kumiyoko Suzia, at least that was the roleplay name she went by 24/7. Her real name was the ever unkawaii Suzy Lockwood. She wore bright pink cat ears in her newly dyed cyan hair that was in pigtails. Kumiyoko had on neon green nerd glasses, furry purple leg warmers, rainbow fishnets, Americana booty shorts with a cat tail, a yellow latex tube top, and black Chuck Taylors. How this shit ever got past the dress code of the school was a complete mystery. Sapphire could care less about her since she was not goth.

 On the other hand, Edgee Deathe was the type of goth emo kid that sat in the back of the classroom and made ninja stars and wrote edgy poetry, which made Sapphire's heart swoon. There was all there was to know about him.

 Besides Edgee was an Alpha Bitch named Mandy Blakely, who claimed to be a fan of My Toxic Lover and goth music but all she would ever listen to was their number one hit, Death and Sadness, on her E-Pod. She was a straight A student, one of the most popular girls in school, and on the cheer squad. It was a wonder why Sapphire even gave a shit to introduce her to the readers.

Sapphire's heartbeat speed up as she gazed upon the baddest boy of the school, literally. Cashe Clyde's tan skin, and short black hair hidden underneath a grey beanie complimented his "One Dimension" tee and black baggy pants. To further point it out about how important this character was, a huge LED sign lit up above him that said "PROTAGONIST'S LOVE INTEREST." Sapphire blinked and the sign was gone, prompting her confusion.

 "Execzor! You've missed us at the arcade yesterday!" Cashe yelled. Execzor seemed to forget for a minute, but then remembered.

 "Oh yeah! You said something about stealing kids' tickets to get that new E-Pod right?" 

 "That's the one." Cashe smiled a sly grin, which only made Sapphire's heart doki doki some more.

 "How stupid are you, you baka?" Kumiyoko questions. 

 "Eh... probably a lot idk." The group finally takes notice of Sapphire.

 "Who's that cool chick besides you?" Edgee wondered. "She looks as cool as I am."

 "This lovely lady is Sapphire Debbie Banana.... Joker... Strudel?" Execzor tried remembering Sapphire's name.

 "Just call me Sapphire." She snapped coldly.

 "What an unkawaii name." Kumiyoko comments.

 "I know Sapphire from my History class. She's that stupid goth chick that always insults the teacher and gets detention everyday." Mandy said in a way nobody else would.

 "Oh really?" Cashe asked.

 "Of course Sapphire acts like that." Just then, Mandy's phone rang. "It seems like the squad started their practice without me, so I'm going to have to go, Cashe. I'll be seeing you later, bae."

Mandy kisses Cashe's cheek before skipping off. Cashe looks at Sapphire for a long time.

 "Hm... She seems like she be could be cool enough to join us for tonight. What do you say, Sapphire?" 

 "Yes!" Sapphire blurts without question, and was only making eye contact with the ( not ) handsomest sap of the 22nd century. Her concentration was ruined once Edgee pulled up Sapphire's sleeve. He seems way too pleased with seeing her plain skin.

 "Im gonna cut to this later lol."

 "Sapphire isn't a conformist, just like us! Well, except for Mandy..."

Kumiyoko did a cat dance of happiness as Execzor was happy about this just as much as everyone else.

Cashe was pleased after looking at Sapphire again for so long that it began to creep everyone out except for Execzor, who joined in on the staring fun. Sapphie here was already lost in her soon to be SO's eyes so twas all good.

 "Are you all right, you bakas?" Kumi questions.

Cashe snapped out of his trance and coughed awkwardly.

 "U-uh yeah, of course." He says out of characterly before turning back around  
to face his remaining crew memebrs. "Okay, guys, now let's go hit up Play Central!"

 "YEAH!" Execzor cheers. Edgee rolls his eyes and started playing gothic screamo music off his bluetooth speaker. 

 "Ugh! Why can't we listen to something even more kawaii like World Is Mine?" Kumiyoko suggests in contrast with the dark lyrics.

 "Maybe some other time." Sapphire and the gang leave school on another wacky adventure they weren't going to forget any time soon.

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