Heart of Texas, soul of California

Zac has moved to Texas. He has bought a piece of land just outside Houston. He is telling everyone he just neede a change of scenery. That it is essential for him to be in LA. But he isn't telling the truth. Zac is running trying to put his mistake behind him.
He has done something really bad, that luckily no one knows about.
He meets Kate, a spunky Texan girl and they fall in love head over heels. Zac thinks that he is finally going to have his happily ever after.
But can he escape the mistakes of his past ? And does he get his happily ever after with Kate ?


16. Loosing it


4 days later


 I have just picked up Bella from the airport. I am so happy to have her back. These last days has been a black pit of self doubt, pain, regrets and way to much alcohol to be healthy. Sitting by myself wondering what to do. How to pull myself up. I need my little girl to keep myself together.

 She is happily telling me about all the fun things she has been doing in Texas. About the horses and her grandparents and I try to be happy for her. Plastering on a smile not to let her know about the pain inside. I don't want her to suffer with me.

 "Maddie, Maddie !" Bella runs inside our home. Looking around for Maddie. I haven't told her that Maddie is gone. Honestly I have been scared to, knowing how attached my daughter had gotten to her.

 She stops and turn to look at me. Putting her hands on her hips in an adorable way. "Daddy, where is Maddie ? Why isn't she here ? I missed her".

 "Sweetie listen, Maddie don't live with us anymore. She had to go somewhere else okay ? But we are used to being just you and me. We will be fine gum drop like we always have been". I tell her praying she won't throw a fit.

 She stomp her little foot. And I brace myself, this will get messy, my daugther is a very strong willed girl just like her mother was. "No daddy. I want Maddie. I want a mommy".

 "Stop it Bella. Maddie isn't your mother. She was just your nanny and she should have kept her nose out of things not concerning her". I might be snapping a bit. I have never spoken a harsh word to Bella in her life. Never raised my voice. But I feel my grasp on my sanity slipping.

 Her lips starts to shiver. "But she could have been my mommy. If you had been nice to her. She is nice and pretty. I don't want it to be just us again".

 "I said stop it Mirabella. Go to your room this instant. I don't want to hear one more word about Maddie. She is gone okay and she will never come back". I can't control the pain, it is ripping me apart and I yell at her, it is like the pain is spilling out as words.

 She lifts her arms like I had slapped her. Her eyes huge and scared. "Don't yell daddy. You scare me. I don't like it".

 "Then do as you are told. Go to your room, NOW !" I need her to get away. Not to see me shatter. I can't. I just can't do it anymore. Everything is coming crashing down like an avalanche, burrowing me, cutting of my air.

She looks at me with tears streaming down her face. "I hate you daddy. I hate you". Then she runs of to her room, slamming the door and I crumple to the floor. I can't breathe and I can't think as waves of pain rips through me. And I fold my arms around myself, feeling that I am literally crumbling to dust.

 What am I to do ? I wish I could just seize to exist. That I could just perish. Even Bella don't want me. Don't need me. I am absolutely worthless to the world. I have no reason to stay. But I need Bella away from here, away from me.

 I manage to get out my phone calling Shekinah, telling her to come get Bella right now. She don't ask, she just tells me she is on her way.

 What to do now ? I am not sure. I don't know what it is I am planning to do. But I actually plan on going out the back door when I hear Shekinah's car in the drive way. Then I know Bella is safe. My sister will make sure she is okay.

 "Daddy ? What wrong daddy ?" I hear her small voice call for me, but I can't manage to do anything. Then I feel her hand on my cheek. "Are you sad daddy ? I am sorry I said that. I love you daddy".

 She put her little arms around my neck and rests her cheek against mine. I start to cry in earnest and pull her into my arms. "I love you to gum drop. I am sorry I yelled. Daddy is not feeling so well so you ned to be with your aunt for a bit okay ?"

 "Okay daddy. Just promise me you wont disappear too. I need my daddy". She says snuggling into my chest. And I rest my head on top of hers. Letting my tears spill into her hair. "I promise you baby girl. I am not dissapearing".

 This is how Shekinah finds us when she arrived. And she sits down beside me. She looks scared and nervous. "What is happening Zac ?"

 "I need you to take Bella with you okay ?" I tell her. Bella shakes her head against my chest and I kiss her head. "It's okay sweetie. Go pack you best toys okay ?"

 She runs of to her room and I get up. My sister gets up too. She is looking at me. I can see in her eyes what she is fearing. "What are you going to do Zac ?"

 "Don't worry sis. I am going to get some help. Some professionel help". I say taking a deep breath. "So I hope you are happy now".

 She hugs me tightly. "I am. I couldn't be more happy. And please tell me if there is anything else I can do okay ?"

 "Okay". I send her a small smile. I need to do this. I need to do it for Bella. Her needs comes before mine and I need to man up and get through this for her.




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