Dear Diary: A College Students Craziness

I'm going to keep people updated on my journey through college - and maybe give tips on how to stay sane while others go through their journey! <3


4. July 26, 2017

Jumping ahead for a moment until I get the rest of the chapters up that are before today...

I've been trying to figure out a way to put what I want to say into words without sounding like a broken record. I often find that I struggle with that, especially when put on the spotlight in the middle of class and it feels like I have approximately one second to come up with a response to the question. I know most teachers won't mind waiting a bit for an answer, but there's always an air of impatience in the room for an answer the split second after the question is asked. Like how in a storm you can see the lightning then not even a second later hear the thunder roll.

A lot of people believe, at least according to my sister, that I'm outgoing and a people person. I'm actually not. I'm an introvert who would rather curl up on my bed to draw, read or watch anime. When thinking about the things I want to do in life, though, I know I need to be able to get out of my shell. Not only that, being alone can be lonely. I've learned how to force myself out there to be able to have a conversation with people I don't know, and probably will never remember their names. Through being in debate I've learned how to be able to speak out on my opinion with only the slightest tremble to my voice. But I still struggle with actually leaving the house some days to events or get-togethers that I know are happening and know that I would be welcomed at because I would rather stay in my home, doing the things I know I love without having to converse with people. I'm an introvert who is rather good at portraying herself as an extrovert because of the field I wish to be in after I graduate college. Can't be a teacher if you aren't able to be around people.

Now, there have been many articles written about anxiety and depression and what it means to have those things. There are memes and whatnot of what people are like in the middle of an episode of either one or both. But the stark truth of it is that sometimes, it depends on the situation on how a person with either of these in abundance will react. All of us have anxiety, all of have depression. Some of us just are more easily sucked down into the whirlpool that they can create inside of our minds without being able to crawl back out ourselves. A lot of people seem surprised that I also have my own moments of wanting to let myself fall into that black pit. For me, I'm not medically diagnosed, so I won't say for certain that I have either or both in a great abundance that hurts the way I react or think. I do know that with what anxiety and depression I do have, that it's unique to me and how I may react to things. Sometimes I can be so tired that my eyes will literally be drooping as I do something, but I'm so anxious or depressed and aware that it keeps me awake despite the exhaustion. In crowds, even one that might have more friends than strangers, my heart beats faster, I breathe a little harder and it can become harder for me to think clearly. I often try to stick with people I am comfortable with because they help me get through that.

I struggle with myself on a daily basis. Be it getting to bed at a relatively normal time or making myself get up out of bed in order to get house work done. Sometimes it's the struggle of going to work even when I'd rather lay down with my favorite book and read it. Sometimes it's the motivation to get up to take my dog out, or to text a dear friend that I've neglected for a while.

Life is an experience. It's the ups and downs, the fights, deaths, mental illnesses, physical or emotion illness, its about having the courage to do the things that are offered to you in that moment. It's making yourself get up off the couch to go to that sorority function or text that friend. It's forcing yourself to pull yourself back up out of that depressive black hole that you were dragged into.

It's knowing that you're not broken in any way, shape, or form. It's just a couple of scratches and bruises that only you can make better in your own way. Sometimes, it's helping others with their scratches or bruises by becoming their friend and helping them through the rough times.

It's enjoying the rain, lightning, and thunder whenever it comes because if you don't? It's an experience lost that you will never get back, because you'll react differently to the same thing that happened today due to being a different person through your experiences tomorrow.

It's accepting those storms at 3 a.m. when you can't sleep, because without them, you would never get to experience life.

Just a 3 a.m. Thought,

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