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I've seen a lot of these going around, and I haven't read many things on here yet, so I figured why not? :)


5. Lost to the Flames (Part Two)

Okay, so I'll skip past the first impressions because I already did that last time. However, I would like to comment that the addition of a glossary at the start was a very good idea and I'm sure will help people who maybe don't understand the language to gain a better understanding of what is going on.

Chapter Eleven:

I think little Laelia is super cute, and I love your way of introducing Jesse and her past. Jesse himself seems like a bit of a dark character and I'm not entirely sure if I like him or not.

Your writing is superb, however in the sort of dream/nightmare sequence with Laelia, I feel like you really could have transitioned it better, as it doesn't quite flow right.

Chapter Twelve:

Um, the next chapter is blank (A Little Discovery)? So I'll just go onto the next part.

Chapter Thirteen:

As usual, this was really well written. However, I do have a couple of nitpicks from around the start of this chapter.

' without even saying a single. Bloody. Word' This really disrupts the flow of the chapter and kind of threw me off. I'd advise you take out the full stops and just make it a full sentence.

'if she acted up again she wouldn't be running away, she'd be getting sent away' I think there should be a semi colon or maybe a dash between 'away' and 'she'd'.

'"I'm every so sorry, Jesse,"' ever, not every

Also in that bit, I know you were trying to show the closeness between the four (Avery, Jesse, Laelia and Suzanne), but it really didn't work. I never got the sense of them being truly close, and I think this actually highlighted the lack of development in the relationships between them.

'Laelia cut Rune with her icy glare. "Are you uys ready to go?"' You missed out the 'g' in 'guys'.

Otherwise, this was a really great chapter.

Chapter Fourteen:

Honestly, I didn't particularly like this chapter. It seemed a bit fake to me, right from the beginning when the catacombs were collapsing and Jesse fainted.

Someone (I think Laelia?) passed it off as being common and that the catacombs would rebuild themselves, but that makes very little sense to me.

That's really not how physics works, and though I get that there is magic, it just doesn't sit right with me.

Also 'their time'? It might just be me, but I'm pretty sure rocks don't get periods?

However, I do love that little sweet conversation Rune and Suzanne had, as I feel that they haven't really had much time alone together to become closer, and I'm glad that we can see their relationship developing. I just hope we see this with everyone, too.

'smoke hanging in the air, asphyxiating her' I know you were trying to make this more sophisticated, but your wording doesn't sound right at all. I'd say to replace 'asphyxiating' with something much simpler, such as 'choking' etc.

I think the thing with Rhia is pretty intriguing, and I want to see how it develops and what happened.

Chapter Fifteen:

This whole section:

' "Hey," he whispered to her, as the rest of the class scratched down the notes on the board. "Did you do the homework?" All she did was nod. "Cool. Are you nervous for Wicked auditions?" Rune shrugged. "I am, I guess. I'm not a great singer." He could see her forcing a smile; that was something, at least. "What about you? Do you like singing? I don't think I ever asked." She shrugged again. "Well, I'm sure you'll be great." '

Really confused me, as I couldn't tell if Rune was talking or if it was just Avery. Maybe make it a bit clearer, though I'm not sure how you might go about doing that.

I really, really hate Jesse, and I'm not sure if this is really your intention. It's incredibly important to have likeable characters, and Jesse... Isn't one of this characters. Sorry.

Overall, I think these recent chapters kinda let down their predecessors in a lot of areas, however relationships and characters are developing, which is good. I'd rate the recent chapters as a 7/10.

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