s m i l e s ⚫w o u l d ⚫h u r t

"You know what? I wonder what it's like to drown. Just the feeling of your body slowly and painfully shutting down, bit by bit, drop by drop...I want to know what it feels like. I want to experience it so badly. When I die, I want to drown. The suffering, the struggle, the agony. I just need to know what she went through.. I need to know how she felt. It's-that's how I want to go, whether it be tomorrow or in a year. I wouldn't mind the pain because it would all be over soon anyway. I just want to die how she did. I want to be close to her."

Or the story of two broken people trying to make themselves whole again.


2. b e g i n n i n g


Is that how you start something like this? I wouldn't know. I've never written anything like this before, and they don't exactly give you an instruction booklet on how to write edgy life stories.

I should introduce myself, so I will do so. I'm Lola Edwards, your local loner lesbian. See what I did there? Ahahaha. I'm so funny. You can all see that you're in for a wild read. I'm seventeen soon-the ninth of July, I'm writing this on the thirtieth of June-and I have short black hair and green eyes. I have a lip ring and I like alternative music and hate onions. That's the exposition done! Just kidding, I still have to tell you all about how I'm deeply depressed and have crippling anxiety. The angst is real, folks.

And I'm off topic again! What a surprise. God, why are you still reading this? It's a car crash and we're only 112 words in! (If you just went back and counted the words to check if I was right, I was. No question about it. Now concentrate on my story and stop being pedantic)

Okay, on to the real shit. And I'm not talking about cocaine, put that dollar away-no, seriously, no jokes anymore, I have to explain now. The real reason why I'm writing this shitty-ass-whatever-the-fuck-this-even-is. And that's for Alex.

I guess I first technically met Alex when I was fifteen. Almost two years ago, now. We were in the same year, and I'd been seeing her around school a lot. And I mean a lot. Some would say I was low-key stalking her, well, I'd call it "admiring from a distance". She was always so beautiful and cool, and me? Fat, ugly, and boring. I never had the courage to talk to her, let alone try and make friends. Anyway. It so happened that one lunchtime, I was sitting in the library on the computer, doing last minute homework (as per usual) and fucking Alex Taylor comes and sits next to me. I was terrified. And you know what she did? She opened up Word, turned to me and said 'Are you doing that History too? Can you help me because I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.' Bam. Love at first sight. Well, not really, but I was so damn starstruck.

You might think I was stupid or being ridiculous but wait. Let me put this into perspective for you. Take, let's say, the third ugliest person you know. They're pretty unattractive, right? That's me. Then look at a gorgeous celebrity, like Jenna Coleman. That's Alex. She was so unnaturally beautiful it seemed almost a sin to talk to her. And she actually looked like Jenna quite a fucking lot. You can't really imagine Jenna Coleman talking to the third ugliest person you know, can you? Which is why I was shocked to say the least.

Well, much to my delight, we spent the entire lunch together. She was so lovely, and we had the same music taste and it was like a dream come true-everything was so surreal and perfect. She was perfect. I think it's safe to say neither of us finished our History, but at that point I didn't care-it was cliche and cringey as shit and I know that but I had definitely fallen, and fallen fucking hard as well. She gave me her number, as a friend (obviously). I felt like I should have some sort of badge-"Friendship Achieved!" or "Senpai Approached!". Of course everything was too perfect to last, I should have realised that, but what can I say? I was young, and crushing on a girl who was so totally out of my league. I wasn't thinking straight (but when am I ever thinking straight? I'm gay for fuck's sake).

It seemed like everything in my life was falling into place and things were brightening up, but oh, how wrong I was.


[sent 20:05] hey alex it's lola

[received 20:11] hey! well done you remembered to text me *polite applause*

[sent 20:12] *sweeping bow* i would like to thank my family, my friends and of course my fans for supporting me on this journey

[sent 20:12] what are you doing atm?

[received 20:13] drugs

[sent 20:13] me too!11!!1!

[received 20:14] omg we're perfect!1!!1!!1

[sent 20:15] totally!1!1!!!!1! when's the marriage?!!1!!?? xoxo

[received 20:16] as soon as possible bby!1!!!11!1! xoxo

I knew she was only joking, of course she was, I was too, but a part of me desperately wanted her to actually be flirting with me, I longed for her to want me as much as I wanted her. It was hard for me to keep from wondering if she felt the same, analysing everything she said, hoping, hoping that she felt the same way.

[received 11:39] dead i'm so dead mrs mctullen is going to kill me i didn't do the essay

[sent 11:40] shit me neither let's die together

[received 11:40] i'll be over in ten let's do bleach shots xoxo

[sent 11:40] sounds good xoxo

[received 11:41] no but seriously can i come over i neED HELP

[sent 11:41] ehhh do you have to i'm watching drag race

[received 11:42] fine then! god!!

[sent 11:42] jk b you can come round

[sent 11:42] as long as you bring food

[received 11:43] on my fookin way you better be ready

[received 11:43] i have cookies??

[sent 11:44] perfect see you soon


I waited anxiously for the knock on the door that would soon come. I had dashed around my room, putting on makeup, brushing my hair, making my bed-I changed my outfit five times before I was satisfied. I wanted to impress Alex, wanted to make her see that I was secretly cool (I wasn't. I just thought that I could form an illusion of coolness) and most of all I wanted to make her fall for me. It was a long shot, almost impossible, but hey, people can dream. If I made myself presentable maybe she would look at me in a different light? I wasn't sure but it was worth a try. Ripped black jeans, grungy tank top, and a beanie-she would love it (how to pull an alt girl 101 amirite).

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a weather update, because I fucking can.

It's raining outside. Pretty hard.

I love the rain when I'm indoors, it makes me feel warm and safe for some reason, and the sound of rain on my window is comforting too. I wonder if it's raining where you are. Whoever you are. The one that's reading this. It's a bit weird to think that after I've written all this, you'll be sitting there reading it, reading all of it through, reading this very word and then the next and wondering about me. We're connected in some way, me and you, the reader and the writer, the past and the future, and oh look at me getting philosophical. I'll stop, not the time to get existential, I have a story to write. My story. And Alex's. I'm sorry, I always go off on a tangent. Never could finish my stories in English, I always got distracted and couldn't write the ending. This one, though, this one I know exactly what I need to write and I'm going to write it all. Because I need to explain myself. So I'll continue.

So, I was there, grunge-tastic, all ready to get intimidated by Alex. She knocked on the door, I opened it, to be greeted with the most gorgeous sight my eyes had ever had the pleasure to gaze on.

It was Alex, radiant as ever, in knee-high socks and a pastel jumper, with white chocolate cookies grasped between her hands. It was so aesthetically pleasing and tumblr I almost kissed her. Almost. Luckily, I remembered myself and managed to choke out a 'Hey, loser,' before opening the door and allowing Alex to step through.

'I am so done with fucking English, you have no idea,' she sighed dramatically, bustling into the living room and dumping the bag of cookies on the table.

'So how much of the essay have you actually done?'

'Literally none, I need all the help you can give me or Mrs McTullen is going to eat me.'

'And wouldn't you love that!' I answered with a wink. Of course I went down the dirty joke route. I wouldn't be Lola Edwards if I hadn't.

'Oh yeah, eat me dad-I CAN'T!' she shrieked, cackling.


She smiled at me wickedly. 'You wanted me to finish that sentence?'

'You know it, baby,' I replied teasingly.

'Maybe later, honey. But right now we have work to do! Let's get going because I really don't want another detention from McTalons...'


And it was so easy after that. Alex and I, we just clicked. Instant friends. There was so much light banter between us we never got bored and somewhere between the bleach jokes and the constant innuendos, there was true friendship. It was something I'd never tire of. I wanted to spend every waking moment in her company, we hung out at break, lunch, after school, whatever time we could have together, we spent it. It was one of the happiest times I can remember.

And then I began noticing Alex more, looking at her properly, studying her face and the way the sunlight hit the waves in her hair, the depths of her hazel irises, the little dimples she had when she laughed. It was all new to me, all beautiful. I was in love with her, I think. But that's when my troubles started.

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