My Journal


1. My Journal

My journal


             I am 53 , I have made my money and raised kids, mostly through childcare. I am single and unattached. The love of my life visits me in town which is not often. I like being single. I am conservative and don’t do sex on the go.  I do miss the sex part  when my fellow  Matt is away.  But how we love each other. I met him when I was 28.  We are still in no rush to get married. Matt is a pilot for an international airlines and he travels a lot. Sometimes I don’t see him for years at a time.  I send him love letters that he receives but does not reply too. (Smile).  I love writing letters to him.  And I know he is always delighted to receive one.  He doesn’t always have access to the internet like I do.  I met him through an elite dating site and we got to know each other. 5 years on we knew we loved each other.  I did not care that he traveled. Living on my own bothers me. After all, I am a Libran and librans thrive on relationships.

What do I do in the future. I am still young in this day and age where people live to be a 100. Maybe I will travel with my housemates, before grand children come along.  I am mortally afraid of being alone.  I have to somehow overcome that fear. Other than that, I am quite self sufficient and independent. I have planets in Sagittarius, what fear! A Sag is most courageous. Besides I have planets in LEO. I am confident I can handle anything. Besides, I now know some of my neighbours in the new house I have moved into.

               I am trying to lose some weight and doing well, mainly through exercise. I pretty much eat as much as I like, though I follow a healthy nutritious diet. No fad diets for me. I am a Mesomorph. It being spring, approaching summer, I have moved into taking in more liquids and less solid food. I love warm fresh food and can make a decent snack for myself in under 20 minutes. For example I had home made deep fried potato wedges ( just fried them in healthy canola oil) and V8 spicy diluted juice. Such an easy nourishing breakfast. Yesterday I had a really large meal with rice as a component. I work it all off. I would not miss my 1 hour walk on the walking track for anything. I love outdoor activity, on a cool day.  I live in Stanley, California and the weather is ok for the most part. I am American and love being American. I do love Asia too and have seen the world.  I have a very small immediate family. Just my Dad, mom, grandma, a brother and a few nieces and nephews who all adore me. I am reasonably qualified and work on a casual basis , 1 or 2 days a month. I don’t need the money anymore. It is just to get me out of the home and a chance to meet my friends who work in the Hospitals here. Though I moved to Stanley permanently in 2013, I have been here before and spent part of my childhood here. I simply love the Californian weather. I have  a Business degree and have worked for the health department.

The fear of the unknown is what gets me. I don’t know what my future holds. I am afraid I won’t be able to handle the change.  I hope I will be able to cope with my nieces leaving home. They are however not leaving Stanley and I can visit them if I wish.  I am looking forward to be grandma to their kids in a few years.

I went blonde recently and I wish I hadn’t now. One of those decisions I regret. I look like I have grey hair, which I have I must admit.  But my nieces reassure me that I look my age, not older. I am not beautiful but I have a nice nose.  Becoming thin has become an obsession with me. I just can’t wait. Patience has never been one of my virtues. It is something I was taught with great patience and humour by my Grandmom. I am looking forward to the day I will look great in saris. My Dad is actually my relative, not my Dad. My parents travel a lot and I have practically lived with my relatives, who are all very loving.  Somebody or the other is always visiting us.  I know my neighbours but they are all Seniors and those who aren’t, work. 

My home is reasonably clean.  It is too small for the 4 of us who live here but my nieces will be moving away soon.  In some ways I am looking to redecorate the house. And have a room for myself. At the moment I sleep on the sofa bed. My other housemate is a single man. I don’t know much about him except that he works for the City Council here.  He keeps to himself and I like it that way. I chose a man whom I don’t fancy.  I am not looking for a friend or partner or a live in relationship.  He is a decent bloke.  The relationship is long term, so it’s unlikely he will move away. I feel like moving but where to.  My home is ideally located , close to the beach. We have a cool breeze blowing even in the peak of summer.

How do I handle my sex life ?  I don’t have one.  I am still attracted to good looking men whom I have known for a several years but that’s all there is to it. Even that I find bothersome. I like being free of all the headaches of sexual attraction.  I have many friends I see when I go to the beach track and park.  Summer time my friends come with their families.  People celebrate even Christmas at the park.  Good weather brings everyone out.  At other times, there are those who get their exercise in the morning. After 9, the park is visited my people who bring little kids along.  I am part of the community.  There is a seniors dance club to which I can’t go as I don’t qualify. I am too young.

I love American soap operas and have plenty of them to watch. I estimate it will be take me at least 10 years to watch all of them.  I also like the Cinemas which I go to on a regular basis.  Any chance to get out of the home is welcome. I am trying living for free and enjoying it.  I have already placed my expenses money in a joint account to which my nieces’ family and my house mate contribute.  When spending time comes, money is taken out of that account.  So I am financially independent. I like spending my own money, not other’s money and I don’t have to spend money on anyone. What a nice life. My Business degree has given me fancy jobs that pay well and where most of the work can be done from home and doesn’t take too much time. I am Director in a firm that has branches all over the Country called Intergraph.  I have always lived a leisurely life but now I don’t have that kind of work anymore.  I have already done the work in advance in the last 3 years and downloaded it to the company’s server.  For years of good work, I am entitled to the title.  My work is accessed whenever required by a software program.  My Aries ardour is greatly modified by a exalted Saturn aspecting my ascendant. Sometimes I feel like I am a Capricorn. :-0. 

I relocated to Stanley in 2013 and looked up some of my friends here. I also persuaded some of my close friends to move to Stanley. Yet the uprooting has been traumatic, however well managed the move was. Hence my fear of being alone. That won’t happen again. I have no plans to move anywhere any time soon.

A year later :

I have settled into life in Stanley.  I now am more comfortable with my new friends at the beach walking community. Everyone is really nice.  There will be some changes in the living arrangements at home. There won't be so much cooking from next year.  I have changed my eating habits. Cut down on carbs as I am diabetic.  Load up on veggies. Just cut out white rice.  I sometimes wish I had more friends who would call me up but I am not a good conversationalist. The conversation is the same so I am not missing out on much.  I had psychosis a few years ago and try as I might some of my past I don't remember.  Anyway I reconstructed my life from my journal records but somethings my family and I can't agree on. I estimate I am 47 after undergoing reverse aging procedures.

Someday maybe we will move out of Stanley, to a place where I have contact with people. At the moment it seems unlikely to happen.  But you never know. The isolation is killing me.  It's too quiet. I at least need a job. At the moment I volunteer at the hospitals. I have permanent registration as a Doctor. But it's California, lovely weather. I would love to live in San Francisco but it's not to be. I live in a 4 room Motel converted to a house. We live in a Motel style , 4 to a house.

I am lonesome. Terribly so. I have a loving supportive family but they are busy. I am by myself day in and out. I turn to prayer and it helps.  I have taken it up as a project. Learning to be by myself.  It's not easy but not impossible. I volunteer at the hospitals and that helps a little. But I don't like some of the work.  It's not easy. But it gets me out of the house. And among people.  I have a walking community. I love my walks and the dogs that come too. Wish I had one but it is too much trouble.  My neighbours are friendly but everyone keeps to themselves. Yes I am beginning to accept the fact that I am lonesome. And nothing can be done about it. And that may not seem like a big problem but some days it is. I have applied for jobs with no luck.  But I am comfortably off. 

2 years later :

I have moved again. Back home to Santa Barbara.  I know all the people on my street.  The Ute van guy is my relative.  I have seen my neighbour grow up and now he has a 16 month old daughter.  They are practically family since I am an only child and my parents live in a retirement village in Bengal, Indiana. I am a cousin of a member of the famous Hilton family.  My other neighbour is a retiree. I think of him as my uncle.  At one time all of us on the street decided to become Australian and took steps to become so.  So now we are all Aussie Americans.  I have worked extensively in India. India offered dual citizenship for a short while and I applied and got it. So I am Aussie American Indian. I used to date my neighbour's dad and I think of my neighbour as my nephew.  When I go for my walks I see toddlers being pushed in prams. The community gave a birthday party to these kids recently that I attended. I asked to be Aunt mom to the kids and it was accepted. How I enjoy watching these kids grow.  They say sexual desire diminishes with age. Mine hasn't. I still find men attractive. Maybe reverse aging has something to do with it. I no longer work but I volunteer for the hospitals. Matt has written to me saying he now has a desk job in England. He won't be travelling anymore and wants to end the relationship. I agree. There is no point if we are not going to see each other anymore.  He promises to keep in touch. I am now looking for a new Mate.  More a friend than husband. No luck so far. It has taken me 3 years to get over Matt. I foresaw the relationship ending and have prepared myself for it. You would say at 53 ?  My children live in Santa Barbara and I now have a new house Mate. My nieces convinced their partners to move too. My housemate keeps to himself. He has a job and that keeps him busy. One of my nieces has moved out. The other plans to at the end of this year.  My housemate is a distant relative.  Living without a man is very hard.  I doubt I will ever love again. But I am happy. I have plenty of friends in Santa Barbara. They are practically family. I am not lonely but I get lonesome. Being retired with nothing to do. I am coping better than I expected with the empty nest syndrome. My children are simply lovely.  They call me everyday and I had to convince them to marry as they were hesitating because they did not want to leave. I am tough.  I can handle being alone at home though it will take some time. My retiree neighbour lives all alone and so can I. I at least have a house mate, however aloof he may be.  It's only for a few years until grand children come along. My kids want my help with their kids.

...........To be continued

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