The event changed everything, but a story can’t have a central theme unless there are walls to support it, roads that take you there and on, because I can’t just give you a fact and you understand it fully until I explain it. So here it is; I love Harry Styles, but the roads that I take you on to understand may not be one’s that you really want to travel, so heed the signs on the barren roadsides, and understand. I’ll tell you about the days, thirty before and thirty after, encompassing Harry’s attempted suicide.


39. 1 day after

1 Day After: Liam says I ran from the room, screaming for them, but I don't remember it. He says I clung to Harry until they had to wrench me away to place him on the stretcher. I do remember that. Liam also says I split my head open on the corner of the sink, when I was fighting them. "That's why you're head hurts," he explains, and I don't bother telling him that I feel pain everywhere in the exact same ways. The absolute terror hasn't spared a single cell of me, and I could be set on fire for all I care. I feel no sense of anything. I don't even think I blink. My mind is running through, trying to piece together the instance I saw him, and how my feet slid over the pills scattered on the tiled floor, how some were crushed, how some still lay in his hands. I flinched away from the image. I never wanted to remember it. Niall sits to the right of me, one hand wrapped in Zayn's, and I numbly think, "Well good for them. I'm glad their night didn't end up like ours." Liam coughs lightly. There are tears in his eyes, but the three of them watch me like I am a bull waiting to charge, so I say nothing, lest I panic them. There isn't much to say as we wait, isn't much to do but remind each other every hour or so that we are here. The clock is surely stopped. The batteries aren't working. Oh-never mind. It has moved by a minute. Or maybe that makes another hour. I suppose it wasn't technically a full day ago, but my brain wants to put a gap in my memory from the event, so I decide to count this as Day One After, even though the slow-motion clock says it has been five hours since we arrived. How long will this take? "It's going to be okay," Zayn says hollowly, and I don't know who he is speaking to, but we all shift a little at his cracked voice. It sounds odd after the lengthy silence. "Is he still alive?" I am glad someone asks, and I wait for the answer until I realize the question has slipped from me. The others share a sad look before Liam answers. "He was barely breathing when he got here. But he must be hanging on now. Otherwise they would have told us." The world suddenly cuts to black and I'm scared I have passed out until I realized my eyelids have closed on their own accord. I can't bear this anymore. Two hours later, a nurse stops by to talk to us. "Stabilized, but no visitors until we can get everything out of his system. He's incredibly lucky." She left it at that and advised us to go home, but Liam was the only one to move. "I'm going to get our things," he says grimly. "We might be here for a long while."

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