Sometimes, things are meant to be.

And sometimes they're not.

Unfortunately, the difference isn't always clear. And accepting that things aren't meant to be can be difficult. Sometimes, it's nearly impossible.

ob·ses·sion: /əbˈseSHən/
*the state of being obsessed with someone or something.
*a ruling/consuming passion.
"He cared for her with a devotion bordering on obsession."


37. Ch 36 - Fangirl Bucket List

In the end, we broke down and used the all access passes. But to do so as discreetly as possible, we slipped out of the crowd at the beginning of the last song. We didn't put on the lanyards until we approached security, and they let us by without question. I'm sure we didn't go completely unnoticed by some fans, but it happened so quickly, I hoped they didn't get a very good look at us. We had no idea where we were going, but pretended like we did, and eventually found the dressing room, which was labeled as such.

We wasted that few minutes waiting on the guys by taking some goofy pictures of ourselves in our costumes. We went ahead and posted a few, being careful to not give away that we were in 5SOS's dressing room.

Soon enough, we knew the guys were arriving by Michael's loud voice. We were lying on either end of the couch that was much too big for the not so big room. Whatever story Michael was telling must have been enthralling to the others, because he had their full attention, and it took several seconds for anyone to notice we were there.

Michael ended the story with "...I said no, it's a penis!" And they were howling with laughter. Except Ashton. He looked like someone had kicked his dog. That is, until he saw me.

"Aubree! I thought you'd left! Fucking hell, don't tease me like that." He wasn't shy about jumping right on top with me, and giving me a wonderful sloppy kiss that left me wanting much more.

"Um, hello! I'm on this couch, too! Gross."

Just to get Traci riled up even more, Ashton kissed me again, and added some moaning for effect. She jumped off the couch quicker than I'd ever seen her move. The guys, on the other hand, thought it was hilarious.

He stopped with the PDA and stood up, offering his hand. "Let's get out of here."

I looked at Traci for permission, and she waved me on without a word.

When we left the room I asked Ashton where we were going. He said, "You'll see."

We rounded a corner to a hallway with a dead end and Ashton opened an unlabeled door. He went in first and shut the door behind us. I barely got a glimpse of what was inside the room before the door closed. It was a mess in there with boxes piled everywhere. I felt around for a light switch, but before I found one, Ashton grabbed behind my legs and picked me up.

"Ashton! What are you doing? Where are we?"

He pressed me against the closed door and kissed me eagerly. His kisses trailed down my neck to my breasts, which were far more exposed than usual with the outfit I was wearing. I lost my train of thought quickly, but was pretty sure I knew what we were doing at that point.

He eventually pulled away, and slowly released his hold on me so that I slid down and was once again standing on my own. Then he finally answered. "You remember that time we talked about things we wanted to do before we died, and you told me about your fangirl bucket list?"

Holy shit. "Yeah?" I answered slowly, though it came out as more of a question. I knew exactly where he was going, though. I just couldn't believe it.

I could barely see him, but heard the unmistakable sound of his pants being unzipped. "Well, if I remember correctly, there's only one item left on that list, and I'm going to help you mark it off."

Yep. He went there alright. That item, "have sex with a band member backstage," was added to my list strictly as a joke. I never expected in a thousand years that I'd have the opportunity to mark it off. But lately I'd been learning that anything was obtainable.

He pulled my shorts and underwear down without even giving me time to respond. All I can say is that it was the most awkward yet exciting sex I'd ever had. Considering I'd never had sex outside of the bedroom, that's probably not saying a lot. But nonetheless, I felt lucky to be able to experience new things and get a little adventurous with Ashton. I was literally living every hardcore fangirl's ultimate dream. What even?

I was afraid someone would see us exit the storage room, or whatever it was. But thankfully the coast was clear. Walking back to the dressing room, I had to ask, "Did you plan this, or was it a spontaneous urge you had?"

He had his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. "Of course I planned it. I even scoped out the place and found that room earlier. It was the best I could find. Only the best for my girl." He laughed at himself.

"My girl," I repeated.


"I like the way that sounds: 'my girl'."

He kissed the top of my head and said, "Well, I hope so, because you'll be hearing it a lot. I want everyone to know you're my girl."

I gave him a look, reminding him of our agreement.

"Don't worry, I'll keep my promise. But the guys all know. And I'm gonna tell my family as soon as I get a chance to talk to them." I was okay with that.

We arrived at the dressing room just then to discover there was apparently an impromptu party in progress. I was wondering why the hallways were so quiet. It was because everyone was crammed into that one room.

"You two are tardy to the party!" Michael yelled over the blaring music when Ashton and I entered.

Ashton yelled back, "Fuck off! We were having our own party!"

"Oh my god, he did not," I said out loud, though no one could hear me.

Traci came out of nowhere and said, "Thank God you're back. Are you ready to go?"

I had a gut feeling I knew why she was ready to leave. I scanned the room for Calum, and my suspicion was confirmed when I spotted some random heavily made up female sitting on the arm of the couch with her legs thrown over Calum's lap. She was playing with his hair, and he was talking to some guy I didn't know, who was sitting next to him. It made me nauseous, so I could only imagine how Traci felt. 

"Fuck that. Yeah, I'm ready to go." I stood on my tiptoes so that I didn't have to yell for Ashton to hear me. "We're gonna go."

He furrowed his brow and asked, "Why? I thought you were having a good time?"

"Yeah, I am. But Traci doesn't really want to be here. Not to mention, I feel pretty ridiculous in this costume right now."

He started to ask, "Why doesn't Traci want... Oh." He also figured it out. "Then I'll leave, too. Just let me get my stuff." He started to walk away, but I grabbed his hand.

"You can't leave with us, Ashton. There's no way you can slip out of this place without being noticed. You know there are tons of girls waiting for you outside."

He look defeated, but agreed. "Then I'll see you in a little bit?"

I knew I probably wouldn't see him again that night, because I wasn't going to let Traci be miserable by herself. But rather than try to discuss it then, I just kissed him and said, "I'll let you know when we get to the hotel. And um, thanks for helping me with that thing."

He grinned widely and said, "It was my pleasure. But hang on a second." He disappeared into the small crowd and came back a couple minutes later. "It has to be cold out there." He handed us each a hoodie, for which I was thankful. The costumes had been fun during the show, but at that moment I felt like a dork. We both hugged him, and found our way out of the venue to catch an Uber back to the hotel.

Sure enough, there were girls everywhere we looked. Several of them gave us questioning looks when we walked out of the building. One girl asked, "Are they still in there? Did you see them?" We played innocent and I said that we didn't see them.

Traci didn't say a word until we got back to the hotel. She went straight to the bathroom and said, "I'm gonna take a bath. Maybe it'll put me in a better mood." I felt so bad for her, even though she was well aware that Calum had no commitment to her.

I went ahead and changed into my pjs and turned on the T.V. There wasn't a darn thing interesting on. I decided I'd better let Ashton know I was staying with Traci. I thought I could make up for it by spending some time with him early in the morning. I wasn't on any certain time schedule since I was driving home and could leave whenever. I sent a text telling him my plans, and about 20 minutes went by without a response. I began to think he wasn't answering because he was mad. But finally, he sent one that said, "Open the door."

I quickly went to the door to find both him and Calum standing there. Calum said, "Hey, um, is Traci busy?"

Ashton kissed my cheek and walked on into the room. I motioned for Calum to enter as well. "She's taking a bath, actually." I pointed toward the bathroom, where Jet Black Heart could be heard playing. "But you can wait on her if you want." I hoped she wouldn't be mad at me for letting him in.

Ashton had already made himself comfy on my bed, sitting up against the pillows. He held out his arms for me, so I cuddled up to him.

Calum looked around awkwardly then took a seat on the edge of Traci's bed. We had limited space, so it was really his only option. He looked at us and smiled. "You two are cute." It was such an odd compliment coming from him. I just smiled back, not quite sure what to say.

Then, out of nowhere, he said, "I really like Traci, you know. If she got upset earlier, I didn't mean to make her feel that way."

I knew she'd die if she knew I was talking to him about her. But I did anyway. "She really likes you, too." He smiled shyly and looked at the floor. Based on what Traci had told me about how he was behind closed doors, I had to giggle at the reaction I just got out of him. But for some reason I felt compelled to tell him, "But she knows it's just a casual thing. Don't worry about her getting too attached or anything."

He nodded, and as if on cue, Traci came out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. She also had her hair wrapped in a towel, and she didn't have on a trace of makeup. Yes, she was going to kill me for letting Calum in.

She was looking at her phone, turning off the music. And when she looked up, she stopped dead in her tracks, for Calum was right in front of her.

Her head swung toward me and I knew I was in trouble. "Thanks for the heads up, friend."

Calum stood up. "I can just go. I did kind of invite myself."

Traci put her hands on his chest and pushed him back onto the bed. "You'll do no such thing. Just give me a minute." She gathered up some clothing and went back into the bathroom. Calum looked much more relaxed after that, and even took off his shoes and got under the covers.

There was some reality show marathon on T.V. that was actually interesting. So we started watching that, and Traci joined Calum on the bed a couple minutes later. And that's how we spent the rest of the night: watching some dude decorate cakes, and cuddling. It was weird, but so satisfying. We talked randomly, but for the most part we just enjoyed being in the presence of those we'd grown to care about, and eventually fell asleep. I couldn't have asked for a better ending to our trip.

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