Sometimes, things are meant to be.

And sometimes they're not.

Unfortunately, the difference isn't always clear. And accepting that things aren't meant to be can be difficult. Sometimes, it's nearly impossible.

ob·ses·sion: /əbˈseSHən/
*the state of being obsessed with someone or something.
*a ruling/consuming passion.
"He cared for her with a devotion bordering on obsession."


19. Ch 18 - Obsessed

A/N: Before you get started on this part, I wanted to let you know there's lots of messaging back & forth in this chapter and the next, like the last one. If you're like me, that can get annoying. But it had to be done, and doesn't last long, I promise. Okay, carry on... :)

It was about five days later when I heard from Ashton again. I'd worked four 12 hour shift days and was enjoying a much deserved day off with my kids. I spent most of the day snuggling with my son and watching movies until Molly came home from school and joined us. (It's been a long time, and it still feels weird to mention my son's name anywhere near the same sentence as 5SOS Ashton.)

Around 5:30, when I was getting ready to get off my lazy tail to feed my kids, Ashton tweeted what he was listening to on Spotify. He probably had the most diverse taste in music of anyone I ever knew, which was a good thing. I usually liked the songs he felt the need to tweet about. He was currently listening to Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar On Me. A minute later he tweeted, "Do you take sugar? One lump or two?" The comments that followed cracked me up, mostly because of all the kids telling him how it was one of their favorite songs. Yeah, we know. Every song he tweets just happens to be everyone's favorite. I can't stand ass kissers. I bet most of them didn't even know what the song was about. I rolled my eyes to myself, and tweeted him.

@Ashton5SOS You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little, tease a little more...

Never did I ever expect that he would read it, or else I wouldn't have sent such a suggestive reply. I wanted to crawl under a rock when he sent a DM.

@Ashton5SOS: Is someone feeling naughty? ;)

@CliffordsCougar: Oh, so that's how I get your attention, huh? I should have tried that a long time ago. 

@Ashton5SOS: You had my attention at "Can I have a hug, too?"

Wait. What?!

@CliffordsCougar: WTF ASHTON! You remember that?

@Ashton5SOS: Of course!

@CliffordsCougar: Sorry for going all fangirl on you for a second. But that blew my mind. Aww. I feel special.

@Ashton5SOS: You are special. :)

If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was flirting. But obviously that wasn't the case. So I didn't dwell on it.

@CliffordsCougar: Saw pics of you getting coffee this morning. Did you get to do anything interesting on your day off today?

@Ashton5SOS: That coffee tasted like shit btw. And not really. Worked out at the hotel. Girls started watching us through the window and Dave had to scare them off. Surprised there weren't pics of that LOL

@CliffordsCougar: I'm sorry you're living life in a fishbowl. That must suck a lot. But yay for working out and getting all buff and hot and shit. ;)

@Ashton5SOS: You are feeling naughty aren't you? LOL

I swear I didn't mean to sound like I had my mind in the gutter. I was just stating facts.

@CliffordsCougar: Oh em gee. Maybe. Maybe not. Wouldn't do me any good if I was because no bf. :(

@Ashton5SOS: I know the feeling. Well, I have a gf, but doesn't do me much good to feel naughty when she's across the country

Was I seriously having a conversation with Ashton Irwin about feeling naughty? Yes. Yes, I was.

@CliffordsCougar: Sorry :/

@Ashton5SOS Sorry if that was awkward LOL

@CliffordsCougar: I stood in front of a naked Michael Clifford for like a whole minute with you. Not much is awkward compared to that.

@Ashton5SOS: haha guess you're right. Know what's kind of awkward?

@CliffordsCougar: No, what?

@Ashton5SOS: I legit stalked your tweets before messaging you the first time. Like, every day pretty much.

He went on to explain that he kept checking to see if I was going to post anything we talked about or that we spent some time together drinking. He was used to every single thing he said to a fan being put out there for all the world to see. When he realized that neither I nor Traci were going to tweet anything other than the selfies we'd posted, he felt like it was okay to contact me. He had found Traci from some of my replies to her and checked out her page as well. He ended his confession with "I trust you."

@CliffordsCougar: Ashton, you can trust me with your life, I promise. Seriously, because I'm a nurse LOLOLLLL

@Ashton5SOS: I see what you did there haha. But thank you. That actually means a lot to me. I don't have many people I can trust. And you're fun to hang with too.

@CliffordsCougar: Meh, only when I'm drunk. LOL Otherwise I'm just boring and shy and I suck.

@Ashton5SOS: I'll be the judge of that when we meet again.

@CliffordsCougar: Sounds good to me.

The kids had asked for food a couple of times while I was conversing with Ashton. They'd been waiting patiently, and I hated to make them wait even longer. But I also didn't want to end my conversation with Ashton. So I offered cereal for dinner, and the kids were all about that. Cookie Crisp has some nutritional value when you add milk, doesn't it?

We talked about 20 more minutes or so. I told him what I gave the kids for dinner and dared him to judge me. And that led to talking about other foods. He said he was so sick of pizza that he gagged at the sight of it. I was never a huge pizza fan myself, but tolerated it when it was convenient.

Then at one point he randomly said, "Michael says hi."

@CliffordsCougar: Oh, hi Michael! Wait. You haven't told him my username have you?

That would be even more embarrassing than Ashton knowing it.

@Ashton5SOS: umm....

@CliffordsCougar: Awkward. I'm gonna have to change it now.

@Ashton5SOS: No, don't! I'm just kidding, I swear. He said hi but I didn't tell him your username. He was being nosy and asked who I was talking to. Told him it was the chick he showed his penis to in Chicago. lmao

@CliffordsCougar: Well, I wasn't the only chick he showed his penis to...

@Ashton5SOS: True!

@CliffordsCougar: How do you even remember what city that was? I'd get so confused being in a new place every day.

@Ashton5SOS: Some things just stick out in my mind. That night was one of them.

@CliffordsCougar: It was kind of memorable, wasn't it? I can't wait until our Florida trip. Even if I don't get to see you except on stage, it's going to be a blast for Traci and me.

Then... silence. Was it something I said? I had no clue.

I went on about my night, constantly checking my phone just in case Ashton sent something. He didn't. I tried to not let it get me down. Maybe he thought I was finished with the conversation. Maybe he was offended when I said I'd still have a blast if I didn't see him other than on the stage. Or, maybe he was simply over talking to me. I probably just wasn't interesting enough, despite him saying I was fun. I sent one more message, just to let him know I was still there.

@CliffordsCougar: I guess you had to go. But thanks for the convo. I hope the rest of your night is good. Be safe. :)

The more I dwelled on it, the more confused I became. Not just about why he abruptly stopped talking without saying goodbye. But also because I didn't understand why I cared so much. Having actual conversation with a famous guy in a band that I loved exceeded any expectation I ever had. I could still hardly believe it myself. But then again, I had no clue how many other girls he talked to like that. Maybe it was something He did all the time. And for all I knew he was feeding me a bunch of bullshit saying that I was one of the few people he could trust. Maybe a "few" to him meant 50. He was bound to know hundreds of people. I was probably nothing special to him.

And that's why it bothered me that I cared. He was something special to me, and I realized that I was nothing to him, except maybe kind of a friend. And the more I talked to him, the more special he became to me. I had real feelings about each one of the guys before I met any of them. Real feelings, as in I genuinely cared about their well being and happiness. And now that I was actually getting to know Ashton, my feelings for him were amplified. I often wondered what kind of person Brandi was. I wondered if he truly loved her. I wondered if she was worthy of him. And I wondered if she treated him like I would.

I kept telling myself that it didn't matter. We didn't and never would have that kind of relationship. And when did I start thinking of Ashton that way anyhow? I was afraid my feelings were getting out of control. I thought of him constantly, even dreaming of him when I slept. The more interaction I had with him, the more I wanted. Was it obsession? Obsession is defined as "an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind." According to that, I was absolutely 100% obsessed with Ashton Irwin, drummer of the band 5 Seconds Of Summer.

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