Fear of loving

A 16 year old boy is struggling with his anxiety. Suddenly a girl shows up, and he's not sure if she's making it better or worse


1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

People.. Whispering.. Attention on me.

I can't handle all this at once.

All the things that I hate. People staring at me.

The teacher is introducing me to my new class. I hate this. Should I say hi? Just stand here? Or sit down? Will they like me? Or tease me because of my anxiety? My brain can't progress this.

It's just too much.

"You can sit down now." The teacher says and points at a chair right next to.. A girl. My heart starts racing. She's beautiful, gorgeous, everything all at once. Too much for me..

I sit down next to her and she smiles. I try to smile back but I fail, my face won't move, my brain stopped functioning several minutes ago. The girl suddenly starts laughing, a bright sweet laughter. Not the teasing kind, more like the one you would fall in love with just by hearing it. The kind of laughter you get addicted to. Her hair has the same color as a fox and her eyes are intense green. Suddenly she sticks her hand towards me "Hi, I'm Meadow!" For a second I just sit there, everything is just so hard to process. Did she just say hi? Is this a trick? Will people laugh at me? Is she going to laugh at me? "I don't bite don't worry" she says, still with a smile on her face. Slowly I take her hand in mine and shake it, "I.. I'm, uh, I'm Shawn."

And this time, I manage to smile for real. I take back my hand and I can feel how it's getting sweaty. "How old are you?" She asks. "16" "Me too!"

Why is she talking to me? I guess she wants to make me feel that she likes me and then tear me down. It's not like I haven't tried that before. But why did she start talking to me? I have so many questions. I can't take it all in right now. I need to just go somewhere. I raise my hand. "Yeah, Shawn?" "Can I please go to the toilet?" "Sure you can."

I almost run out of the classroom and lock myself into the boy's toilet. Then I hear someone knocking on the door. "Y..Yeah?" "Get out of there!" A harsh voice says. I slowly open the door and before I can manage to get out, someone grabs my shirt and throws me on the floor. I can't get a word out of my mouth, I wanna say something, but my brain just won't work. It feels like walls are pushing against each side of my head. And it makes me dizzy. "Get up you faggot!" I try my best to stand up, but as soon as I manage to get up he punches me in the stomach. It's one of the guys from my new class. All the air is being punched out of me and I can feel the panic attack come sneaking. "Just breathe Shawn, just breathe." I try to convince myself that I can do this, but I can feel how my lungs are getting heavier and won't let me breathe properly. "What kind of idiot are you!? Can't you talk? Don't ever say a word to Meadow again or I'll kick your ass!"

Then he's gone.

I try to get up, stumble out of the door and try to get out of this high school as fast as possible. Everything is spinning around. I manage to push the door and run into the woods. In the woods I throw myself on the ground, I nearly can't breathe. I see someone coming towards me.. It's Meadow. "Hey! I saw you running out, what's going on?"

"Leave me alone." I try to yell with the voice I've got left. I feel like such a hypocrite. "Why can't everyone just leave me alone!?" I can feel the tears starting to run down my face. Meadow comes running towards me, "you're just a lost boy, ready to be found." That's all I hear before everything turns black.

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