1. ijm

I lay in the dewy grass, the moonlight showers over me, and I contemplate my life; replaying every reason to keep myself breathing that I possibly can. But, death is inevitable. It is nothing that you can escape.

One day, my soul will bleed from my pores and as I look into my lover's eyes, the light within mine will no longer be held there. One day, I will need an oxygen mask for my lungs will depend on it. I will lie there and listen to my daughter weep tears of sorrow and loss. i will listen to her voice crack and it will break my heart, killing me a little faster. One day, there will be mouths to feed and bills to keep up with but due to the converous murderer occupying my lungs with only an expensive chemical to destroy it; I will have no money for it. The day that I see the light, all of my happy memories will flood my memory. Not only happiness, but also I will feel every bit of pain I have experienced in my life spread through my veins and send shocks through my blood. I will inhale my last breath that will burn my lungs and i will know that this is it. A small thought buried deep in the back of my mind will ring in my head. "Did I live up to the life I was freely given?" But, it will be too late. Because the moment I wish to open my mouth and let the words escape off of my tongue, I will slip off into an eternal sleep. It will be up to my family to answer the question for me because I can no longer speak. I can no longer see. I can no longer hear or walk. I will be nothing. 

No one will be able to speak my name without becoming ill. They will seek my eyes within the stars. They will listen for my voice in the wind. So, why not do it now? Why not set myself free from feeling guilty while others watch me suffer? Why not end it early? 

I sit and think to myself for another small moment and then it hits me. 

Ending it early will not be freedom. It is foolish and selfish. If I end it now, my mother will walk into the bathroom to her precious child strung on a rope, lifeless. She will scream out my name, but I will not hear her. It will cause her so much more pain because I am her only  child. If I wait, she most likely will not be here so she will not have to deal with that pain. If it happened naturally, she would get over it at some point because it was bound to happen. 

A forced death is not. It will haunt her seams and her thoughts as she sits alone at night when she cannot sleep because all she can think of is the image. If I end it early, I will never be able to meet my own children's eyes or hear their first laugh. I will not be able to teach them to read a book. I will not be able to hear them beg for a tattoo or piercing and see the desire in their eyes to be themselves and do something unique. I will not be able to sing my grandbabies to sleep. I will not be able to open the foo rod my first home with my lover. I will not be able to wake up to morning coffee and listen to the birds sing as i inhale the sweet aroma. 

Death is inevitable. Suicide is not the way to escape the pain of others; it will only cause more pain. Pain is part of reality and reality is something that everybody will have to face at one point in their life. And the day that they do wake up and face it, face their fears, face death; it will be the day that they will understand life to the fullest. They will finally be able to live it instead of just survive. 

I realize now, that I have to face reality. I have to get up and live my life. And today, the day I finally faced reality and one of the most painfully inevitable subjects, I gained a little more wisdom. 

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