V.A.P.I's Brief Pleasure (boyxboy)

Snake is a seventeen year old boy with too much time to waste, too many drugs to do, too many game consoles to steal, and too much porn to watch (on Porntube, his favorite site). V.A.P.I is a human alien hybrid, created in a lab by a mad scientist who loves Deepak Chopra and cat videos. Snake and V.A.P.I fall in love, have anal sex, do drugs (not in that order, but you get the idea) and learn the meaning of meaninglessness.


1. V.A.P.I

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So I'm sitting on the edge of my bed with the barrel of a gun moving back and forth against the ridges on the roof of my mouth (I guess the ridges on the roof of my mouth stick out more than most people's. That's what Vapi said, anyways.), my sweaty, shaky fingers sliding off the trigger, feeling half in the grave already, starting to think I might need to rewind things to get a nicer idea of life. Because even though I can't say I've always been the happiest guy, I've never been two bottles of Jack Daniels deep and ready to explode my brain. Plus, I thought that if I ever did kill myself it would be at one of those cool ages like twenty seven. Not seventeen.

My sister used to watch this movie called Spice World over and over again on this old VHS player, and I fucking hated that movie, but I liked to watch her rewind it, mainly because everything looked trippy moving backwards. One thing I learned from the rewind button on that VHS player, is that if you watch things go backwards you notice that all of the stuff that gets smashed up and broken looks like it's getting fixed.

Look at my life like it's on rewind. It's getting fixed: I'm taking the gun out of my mouth. Doctor Daneeka isn't cutting out people's brains, he's sticking their brains back in their heads. My mom isn't drinking straight out of the bottle, she's spitting all her booze back up and selling it to the liquor store. Vapi isn't dying, he's being born. Holy shit. I do wear that sweater a lot.

Now we're back at the beginning, and look again: I'm not in love with Vapi (his real name was V.A.P.I, but try saying that fast), I don't even know that he has an extra testicle yet. And Vapi hasn't figured out the  internet so he doesn't know the meaning of life. I don't know anything about the Agents of Paranoia. I'm back in Oompaloompa's living room, passed out on her couch, a bit of puke dried on my lips, and it's the first time I've ever even been close to Vapi.

Look at the beginning:

It was the sixteenth time that I'd gotten drunk, probably the fifteenth time Wyatt had gotten drunk, maybe the twelfth time for Oompa, and definitely the first time for Vapi. But it was the first time any of us had tried whisky.

I remembered taking off my shirt and my pants and carrying around this stuffed moose head that Oompa had hanging on her wall. I also remembered Wyatt chucking a cucumber at my sack, and rolling around on the floor screaming 'call an ambulance!'. After that, nothing.

When I woke up I didn't have a shirt on, but my pants were on, I had an open sleeping bag over me, and my crotch was right up against Oompa's ass. At least I thought it was Oompa's ass. Oompa had all this shea butter stuff, like shea butter lotion, shea butter shampoo, shea butter lip gloss, shea butter tampons, whatever. So I smelled shea butter and thought, hmmm, guess I'm spooning Oompa. 

I thought it would be funny to reach a hand around and honk one of her boobs. Just as a joke, I'm not a creep or anything. I wasn't gonna fondle it. I went for a handful, thinking she'd be all like 'Snake, you weirdo, get out!', and then we'd laugh about it and I could bum a smoke off her.

But instead of getting a handful of boob, I wound up rubbing some guy's ribcage. And I had a raging morning boner, which made things tense. Oh, and on top of that, I was wearing sweatpants, so my dick was sticking out like a pelican's beak, pretty much in the groove of this guy's ass.

I thought it might be Wyatt because the hair on the back of the guy's head was short and kind of stubbly. If it was Wyatt, the two of us would just laugh it off like the time his pee splashed off the bumper of a truck and a little bit went in my mouth.

That sucked, actually. Everyone called me piss-lips for a week.

Anyways, I sat up to spit on Wyatt's eyelids and I saw that the guy I was spooning wasn't Wyatt. It was Vapi. And that really sucked too.

Let me tell you some stuff about Vapi, or, the only stuff I knew about Vapi before shit got crazy.

1) Vapi wore the weirdest motherfucking clothes on the planet.

It was like he'd never locked inside most of his life, with no internet or anything. One day it was this big, see-through raincoat thing with only his underwear on underneath (little boy underwear too), the next day it was a bumble-bee costume, then it was skin tight, tye-dye long johns. Fishnets, man. One day he wore fishnets. I didn't even know what those were until Oompa told me.

2) Vapi said the weirdest motherfucking shit anyone could say.

Picture me waiting in line to grab french fries. Vapi is behind me doing some kind of rain dance, and he says:

"Do you know what solipsism is?"

"Um. No man."

"Can I tell you?"


"It's the belief that only the self can be known to exist."

"Oh yeah."

"It means that I can't prove you're real and you can't prove I'm real. You could just be in my head."


"So which one of us is real? Are you real Kyle (Solid Snake)? Or am I dreaming this from somewhere in another dimension. Can you prove to me that you're real? Can you?! Who am I?!"

Then a sequin fell off his blouse and he stared at it while I bought myself lunch.

3) Vapi did the weirdest shit you could ever imagine anyone doing.

One time in Mrs. Ovarian's class Vapi whipped out a taser and zapped himself. Right there in front of everyone. He seized up on the floor and started foaming at the mouth and screaming, and no one noticed. Or, they noticed but they didn't care. I noticed, but I did what everybody else did: pulled out my phone and played Skyforce.

That was the weirdest thing about Vapi. No one cared when he did weird stuff.

He'd be standing next to you in a raincoat with his balls hanging out, talking about monks lighting themselves on fire or something, and you'd think: 'That's messed up. I'm hungry'.

Even the teachers didn't notice him. If I licked one of those pickled cats in the bio lab room, or wore nothing but a bright orange thong and a military jacket to school, I'd probably get suspended, or at least sent to the counselor. Plus, I'd get made fun of. Didn't happen to Vapi.

My friend Mike called him a 'nonentity' , but then Mike also said that that was a 'paradox', because he was 'the loudest, flashiest nonentity to ever exist'. Then we forgot that we were talking about him.

So I woke up with this paradoxical nonentity's hair on my lips, and my boner stabbing him in the ass. And I should have known then that something was off, because I kind of liked it.

I watched him for a bit because I couldn't figure out what to do. He looked so normal when he slept. Up until the couch-spooning thing happened, I never saw Vapi as a boy or a girl. He was more like a salamander or something. I mean, he didn't look like a salamander, but you didn't think of him as having a pussy or a dick. Unless you think about salamanders that way. I don't. When I look at salamanders I just think: 'Hey, it's a salamander'.

And (I'm not scared to admit it) he looked like a a good-looking guy too. He had a really nice kind of pointy nose, and his lips pouted a bit, and his cheekbones were high (okay, I'm not sure what high cheekbones are, but my sister says that they look good on guys), and even his head-shaved- in- weird patches haircut looked good.

I swallowed and tasted some of last night's Jack Daniels in my spit. My mouth got watery all of a sudden and my stomach twisted. I felt acid coming up my throat, but I didn't want to get up because If I did get up and someone came in they would see my boner popping out.

I tried to hold it back, but that only made it worse. So I hurled up a bunch of pink-stomach-acid-booze-goo all over Vapi's face. Kind of tasted like strawberry ice cream mixed with the way grasshoppers smell when you stomp on a bunch of them and they get stuck on your shoes. (Oompa told me later that we mixed Jack Daniels with strawberry milkshakes. We were baked and thought it tasted good.)

Vapi shot off the couch and flailed around, shaking my bright pink puke out of his hair like a wet dog.

"What is this? Bile, yes, bile and strawberries. A hangover. I have a hangover. I haven't felt this before. It's miserable. Is there a place we can go to wash our insides out?"

I wiped my chin off with the sleeping bag and gagged again when I snorted and some puke hit the back of my throat.

"You mean a hospital?"

"No, I'm thinking more like a car wash but for your organs. Does that exist?"

"Just drink water."

"Good idea. Oh, no." Vapi put a hand on his stomach. "I'm going to sympathy vomit."

He leaned over a chair, then chucked up a bunch of Pepto Bismol puke onto Leigha's parents' carpet.

He sympathy vomited for me, so I sympathy vomited for him. He sympathy vomited back, and so did I, until we decorated the carpet with puke so that it looked like one of those paint-splatter paintings in Mrs. Ovarian's room that everyone liked for some reason, but I thought were stupid.

I ran to the bathroom with my hand on my stomach. On the way there I knocked over a bunch of half empty cups of rum and coke. Vapi ran after me, but I made it there first. I shut the door. He opened it and walked in.

"Get out man, I'm gonna take a shower."

"I want to take a shower too."

"I got here first."

"Why don't we take one together?"

I almost decked him in the face.

"Fuck off. That's gross."

"Why is it gross? Have you ever showered with another person?"

"What? No. Definitely not with another guy, I mean."

"You're missing out. It's a great experience. It really teaches you how to share a small space. Plus, it saves water, which is a diminishing resour-"

"Get out!"

I pushed Vapi out of the bathroom, locked the door and then twisted the shower knob. I tossed off my puke covered sweats. My underwear were missing, so I knew that at some point I must have gotten completely naked. Probably after Wyatt broke a cucumber on my dick.

I scrubbed off quick because I had to rub one out, and I didn't want anyone to think I was in the shower beating off, because I was in the shower beating off. Turned out that I didn't have to worry. I lasted less than a minute.

When I got out of the bathroom I saw Oompa holding an ice pack against her head. She was wrapped in a blanket, her green hair all over the place, looking at her living room carpet like someone had killed her dog (Professor Lupin), stuffed it and then stuck it next to her fireplace. I heard Vapi talking to her.

"Have you ever read the bible?"

"No, Vapi."

"Do you have a copy of the Bible in your house somewhere? I'd really like to borrow it if you do. Even just the New Testament would be fine."

"I'm not sure if I do, I can check-" Oompa noticed me walk out of the bathroom and gave me a look like she wanted to choke me. "What the hell dude? My dad is going to kill me when he gets home. Do you remember any of the dumb shit that you did last night?"

"Ummm. Not really?"

"You finished off a, oh, Vapi, go take a shower, you reek. You finished off all of the booze in my dad's liquor cabinet. Then you got naked and peed in the fridge in my garage, then you puked in my sister's bed and now you've puked all over my living room. You have to clean this shit up."

"Oh. I'm really sorry."

"Sorry isn't good enough. You have to clean up your mess, and you have to pay me back for the booze."

Vapi walked past me into the bathroom. He forgot to shut the door so I heard the shower start and then I heard singing: 'once I believed that when love came to me, it would come with rockets, bells and poetry!'.  

"I'll clean up, I'll clean up, don't worry. Where is everyone?"

"Wyatt is in my room. Tyler, Aguppi and Sandra went to another party last night after you started whipping your junk out."

I felt my face get hot. "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you."

"Well get started. There's clean sponges under the sink and there's a bucket in the *noise* room."

Oompa sat down at her kitchen table and hid her face in her arms. I stuck my head into the cabinet under the sink and dug around for a sponge.

"Oh God I feel like crap.Somebody make me some tea."

I smelled old banana mixed with coffee grounds coming from the garbage under the sink, and it almost made me gag.

"Where did Vapi come from..." I stopped to swallow a bit of stomach acid that had crawled up my throat. " Last night?"

"I invited him. He let me borrow a skirt and plus, Aggupi thinks he's hot." I heard Oompa bang her head against the table. "I need to go back to sleep. Ky- Solid Snake, this place better be spotless when I get up. I mean it."

"Sure thing Oomps."

I heard Oompa's blanket dragging on the floor. By the time I found a crusty old sponge she was back in her room. By the time she was back in her room I realized that I only heard noise when she told me where the bucket was.

Because I didn't know where the bucket was, a chain reaction started in my head: no bucket- Oompa's gone back to bed-don't want to wake Oompa up to ask about the bucket-don't want to talk to Vapi when he gets out of the shower- I didn't throw the party last night anyways-why is it my job to clean shit up?

So I didn't clean Oompa's parents' carpet, or their old fridge, or her sister's bed. I looked at the carpet, it looked like a lot of work, and I thought: fuck it, I wanna go play Black Ops 3 next to a puke pail.

I didn't even look for my shirt or my underwear. Or my socks. Oh, or my hat. Too bad because I really liked that hat. It had a cool checkered pattern on it.

Everyone said that I probably had ADHD, but my mom was too cheap to get me tested and my sister told my mom that the medication for ADHD was just speed. Which made me want to have ADHD even more, because not only did it mean that I wouldn't get a hard time from my teachers, I would also get free speed out of the deal.

So anyways. Now I have a gun in my mouth and I'm wondering if I should have stayed to clean up that day, because if I did everything would probably have turned out different. My friend Mike would say  'it was the inciting incident that set up all the rest of the action in your story'.

If Mike was writing my story, he would probably finish this chapter:

"Solid Snake, topless and undergarment-less, his nipples hard enough to pierce even the densest alloy, bounded across town in the frigid, sun dappled autumn morning, to his humble abode."

Or some shit like that. 

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