V.A.P.I's Brief Pleasure (boyxboy)

Snake is a seventeen year old boy with too much time to waste, too many drugs to do, too many game consoles to steal, and too much porn to watch (on Porntube, his favorite site). V.A.P.I is a human alien hybrid, created in a lab by a mad scientist who loves Deepak Chopra and cat videos. Snake and V.A.P.I fall in love, have anal sex, do drugs (not in that order, but you get the idea) and learn the meaning of meaninglessness.


9. V.A.P.I Fucks Snake in the Ass

All done with his long-ass story, Vapi set his knitting sticks down on my kitchen counter and eyed the socks he had just finished making-- the yellow ones with little palm trees on them. (Oh yeah, while Vapi was talking about being a lion and a seagull and carrying magic sticks around and whatever, we walked back to my house.) I had just seen the guy bring a squished cat back to life by shoving a finger up its ass, so I was ready to believe pretty much any story that he told me. Still, I had some questions.

"So, you're like, a shapeshifter, because you have some popcorn in you?" I asked.

"Um. No."

My mom dry heaved into the kitchen sink. Normally her dry heaving didn't bug me, but she had been doing it for the past fifteen minutes while I was trying to listen to the story. And she looked like shit, all decked out in her cigarette-burned, flower-patterned housecoat with some drool (or maybe puke) hanging off her bottom lip. Oh, and plus, all that was left of my buzz was some teeth grinding and an irritating erection that got really tingly whenever I rubbed my legs together, so I wasn't in the mood for my mom's bullshit.

"Who is your friend?" she asked, spitting onto a plate that was smeared with dried ketchup.


"Why is he dressed like a nun?"

"Because that's how he likes to fuckin' dress."

"Why don't I ever get to meet your friends?"

"Because you're always so fuckin' drunk."

"So you're embarassed by me?"


She poured water into a bowl that had dried corn flakes stuck to it and chugged. Then she opened the cabinet above the microwave and rattled around in there until she knocked over a pill bottle. A landslide of little red capsules fell onto the kitchen counter. She stared at the pills for about thirty seconds until she finally picked the one she was looking for. She said, "There's a rat's head on the rug in my room."

"Mom, go away."

Her bowl of milky water clanked against the countertop, splashing everywhere and making a little puddle with on the floor. One lonely cornflake floated in the middle. "I just wanna talk to you. Why can't I talk to you?"

"Go, I dunno. Go watch Jerry Springer or something."

"Go clean up the rat's head on my rug!"

"That's not my problem! It's your room, clean it yourself."

"It's your problem because it's your cat that dragged it in."

"No, it's Allie's cat."

"Oh bullshit. Why do you do this?"

"Do what?"

"You know what, you do it every time. You change history. Every time you have to do something you don't want to do, or every time someone says something you don't like, you make shit up. The cat is yours, you brought it home. I don't get it. Do you live in another dimension half the time, where stuff happened differently? Or are you just a little bullshitter?"

"Allie found it behind the gas station."

"But you were the one that brought it inside and cried when I tried to kick it out."

I didn't remember things happening like that, but whatever. "I'm not cleaning your dirty ass bedroom. I cleaned the bathroom yesterday--"

"Oh, you mean you flushed?"

"Why are you asking me to do all of this shit? You come in here so drunk that you spill pills all over the floor-- look, you want me to clean up the floor too. You want me to clean up the mess that you just made?"

Vapi, wringing his hands together, hiding inside his robe like some kind of holy turtle, said, "I would gladly help with the cleaning, Mrs. Pudenda. A clean home can lift the spirit, ease tension. And I'm sure that neither of you want to look back in anger."

"Look at him," my mom said, pointing at Vapi. "Your friend is nice, he's helpful. And My name isn't Mrs. Pudenda, I changed it back to Veil. But you can call me Wanda. Sweetie."

"Nice to meet you, Wanda."

All this friendliness between my mom and Vapi made my toes curl. I was about to tell my mom that he liked to taser himself and that he had to eat oranges at ten o'clock, otherwise. . . when she started dry heaving again. She held on to the kitchen counter, aimed her head at the sink, and then hurled milky- vodka-water all over the ketchup plate. I gagged. Vapi cringed.

"I'm gonna go lay down," she said, pulling wet strands of hair off of her lips.

"You do that."

She half stomped, half stumbled towards her room, but stopped at the fridge because she had to have the last word.

"You broke a rib on the way out," she said.

I'm not sure why my mom thought telling me about how I'd cracked a rib when she squeezed me out was an argument ender, but she did.

With one hand on the wall to balance herself my mom stumbled back to her room. Her door slammed shut. Then the kitchen went quiet-- just the sound of Vapi fiddling with the broken knob of a cupboard Well, it was quiet until my mom hit the volume on her stereo. Then the floor started shaking to the sound of leather pantsed eighties music.

Me and Vapi locked eyes for a few awkward seconds. He looked confused-- one eye wide, the other one squinting. 

"What?" I asked. 

"You have. . ."

"Louder!" (Seriously, she was blasting Purple Rain.)

"You have some cat intestine on your arm. And peanut butter all over your chin!"

"Fuck! Gross!"

"Here! Have these socks!"

"I'm gonna take a bath!"

So that's how I wound up in a bathtub wearing wool socks with little palm trees on them, scrubbing cat pulp off my arm. I'm not sure why I kept the socks on. I took them off as soon as I got out of the bath, because they were wet.

Towel on my head, smelling all Irish Spring and axe body spray, I opened the door to my room. Then I almost peed myself a little, because for a second I thought that my doppelganger had snuck in through my window, or that I'd been cloned, or that I was caught in a time loop. Then I realized that Vapi was just wearing some of my old clothes.


"Snake! I'm sorry I didn't ask your permission to wear this," he looked down at the writing on the t-shirt, "Fairbanks Alaska shirt, and these pyjama bottoms, but my Benedictine habit was uncomfortably warm. I'm not sure if I chose the wrong fabric, or if the Benedictines are just a very sweaty bunch."

"Uh. Cool. Just as long as you aren't like, trying to see what it's like to live in my head, or something weird like that."

"No. Although I'm sure that a voyage into your mind would be enlightening, I can't access your consciousness by wearing your clothes. They do give me a new perspective on your. . . hygiene, though. What is this dried crust on the collar?"

Vapi was wearing one of my cum rags.


"Ah. I thought it might be semen."


My shirt ended right above Vapi's bellybutton, which kinda pissed me off, because it reminded me that he was taller than me. I noticed that he still had a bit of an outie, so I said, "You've got a bit of an outie."


"Your bellybutton."

"Oh, yes. It was once very convex."

"Mine too. I used to get made fun of whenever I went swimming."

I lit a cigarette that I'd stolen from my mom when she was barfing in the sink, tossed a half-eaten piece of toast off my bed and then laid down. 

"So, uh, you gonna spend the night buddy?" I asked.

"Oh. Well, I can always change back into my habit and go home. Sorry, I didn't mean to--"

"No worries. You can stay over. Get comfortable."

When I patted the empty spot next to me on the bed, I had already made two decisions:

1) I was going to find a way to get into Vapi's pants.

Hear me out man, reader, whatever. I'd had a boner pretty much since we made out in the closet. My balls felt like someone tied a rubber band around them. You might be saying to yourself, 'But Snake, that seems a little fast. You barely know the guy, and he's kind of strange'. I'll just be completely honest with you. Aside from the couple times that me and my cousin Jax dry humped ( they don't really count), and the couple times me and Wyatt jacked off with each other (also don't count), I'd never done anything sexual with another guy. And I really wanted to. Believe me, I'd watched enough gay porn to really want to.

2) I had to find Vapi a new shirt.

"You want a shirt that fits you better?"

"This was the cleanest one I could find."


Vapi folded a pillow in half, rested it against the wall and then laid down beside me. His arm brushed against mine. I got a feeling like, you know, like all your blood runs into your stomach, and your head gets fuzzy, and the hairs on your arms prick up. Like a handful of skittles melted inside you. A really nice feeling. Not as good as being wasted, but close.

He looked at the ceiling. I rolled on to my side and watched his stomach move up and down. A bunch of orange peel crust was stuck to his. . . (hold on, gotta look the word up). Cuticles! His neck smelled like oranges too.

I felt really comfortable then, and I think I know why: Vapi was smarter than me, but he never treated me like I was dumb. When I asked questions like, 'Wait. . . Who is Mein Kampf again?', my history teacher would say shit like, 'You'll be a great janitor some day, Kyle'. Vapi said stuff like, 'I think your misuse of my amphetamines has affected your reasoning'. A nicer way of telling me that I said something stupid.

So, I thought, 'Hey. I bet I could do sixty-nine with this really nice guy. We already made out a couple times. He's probably down'. And the easiest way to get a BJ, I thought, was to get him kinda drunk.

So I dug an old bottle of Bailey's that I'd stolen from Oompa's place out of my dresser. It had curdled, but I'm not really picky.

"Want a swig?" I asked, opening up the bottle. I handed it to Vapi and he looked inside.

"No. I think it's rancid."

"Nah, it's fine man. Look." I grabbed it, took a sip. A chunk got stuck to the roof of my mouth and I gagged. "Never mind."

I laid back down. "Wanna watch a movie?".

"I am, quite tired. I don't know if I could stay awake for its duration."

I decided to try talking his pants off. Talking would be easy, because I still had lots of questions to ask him.

"So. Do you have any other powers? Like, being able to heal roadkill is pretty sweet, but can you. I dunno. Blow shit up with your mind?"

Vapi looked confused. "No. They don't work like that. My mind doesn't control them. Not directly, anyways."

"I don't get it."

"I mentioned before that some of my body parts have been. . . tampered with."

"Which ones?"

Vapi's face went red. I could tell that he was uncomfortable. Lucky for me, the guy couldn't lie about anything. "Primarily, my reproductive organs."


"I'm not sure how the scientist did his work, which strips he sliced from my molecule, and which new ones he found to replace them. The only visible mark that his work left is. . ."

"What? Is what?"

"I have a. . . Sorry, Snake, but this confession causes me some humiliation." He took a deep breath. "I have a third testicle."

Yes! I had found a way in. "Awesome. Can I see?"

He got off the bed, scratched the back of his head, started panting and then looked at me like I'd just wiped dog shit under his nose.

"No! I don't want to be probed. I am a science experiment, yes, but I'm a human science experiment. I don't like being examined like that. I don't want to be looked at. . . like that."

" I didn't mean it like that! I think it's fuckin sweet. Like, who doesn't want bigger balls, you know?"

Admit it. If you knew that a guy had an extra cherry rolling around in his hammock, you'd wanna see his extra nugget. I know I wanted to see it. Am I a bad guy for asking? Let me know.

"Would you like it? Would you like it if your personal object became an object of study? A question mark between your legs?"

When he said that I saw a bunch of guys in lab coats strapping the stuffed dolphin (that I kept hidden under my bed) to a steel table and then jamming needles into him. Then I figured out what Vapi meant by 'personal object', and I felt bad, because I remembered how Wyatt used to call me anteater after he found out I wasn't circumcised.

"Sorry, it's just. I really meant it when I said that I don't want to look at your stuff like that."

He sat down on the edge of the bed. His shoulders relaxed and he stopped panting.

"How do you want to look at my testicles, then?"

How was I supposed to tell the guy that I didn't want to look at them --that I wanted them in my mouth-- without, you know, actually telling him that? I couldn't find the right words, so I didn't say anything. The room got quiet. Just the sound of Vapi's slow breathing. Then he said, "Do you want to have sex? Is that where this conversation is going?"

"I dunno if I'd call it sex. Maybe just try some stuff out?"

"Penetrate each other?"

"That doesn't sound so great either."

"What, precisely, then?"

"Blowjobs maybe?"

He looked up at the ceiling and went 'hmm' a couple times. "Oral sex? Sure. You could have just asked."

"Really? You want to?"

"Snake, I too feel lust. I'm human. I've been thinking about having sex with you since you kissed me in that closet."

I was happy that Vapi was so easy.(Honestly, I was out of sneaky ideas.)

He laid back down beside me. My palms started to sweat. My cock sprung up-- a tent in my sweatpants with an embarassing wet spot right at the tip. "Who goes first?" he asked.

Since I wanted to suck his cock so bad that my mouth was watering (and I think he meant who wanted to suck cock first?), I said, "I can go first."

Sweaty hand shaking, I reached over to his junk and rubbed it through the pair of jeans he borrowed from me. It only took a few seconds for him to get hard. Leaning in a bit closer to him, I unbuttoned the pants and slid a hand into his underwear. Then I got nervous, because his dick was fucking huge. Like a genetically modified zuccini. I told myself that Vapi's dick was probably so big because it was genetically modified too. Made me less jealous.

"Is something wrong?" Vapi asked.

"Um, nope."

I got onto my knees and pulled the jeans down to his ankles. His dick, leaning to the left a bit, sprouting out of a fuzzy patch of black pubes and stopping at his bellybutton, waved at me. I don't know why he talked about his balls like they were a three eyed fish. Sure, you could see an extra lump there, but they weren't shoulder-shaking weird or anything.

He spread his legs and I laid in between them on my stomach. I grabbed his shaft and popped his cock head into my mouth. Tasted like nothing, which was good, because I was worried it might taste like piss. Half way down his cock I gagged, and then spit up a mucous bubble. I tried, and failed, to deep throat him again. My mouth was really dry, so I kept on having to spit on his cock. His pubes, all soaked in spit, started to look like sea weed.

Things went on like this for a while, me moving up and down, him starting to breathe faster, until he patted me on the head. Mouth full of dick, I looked up at him and said, "hwa?"

"This is nice, but I feel like we're going about this too mechanically," he said.

"Whaddo men?"

"Here, let me show you."

He grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me on top of him. With his cock all wet and sticking against my stomach, he ran his fingers across my jaw, then to the back of my neck, and guided my head to his for a kiss.

I'll be honest with you. At the time, I was a shitty kisser. Kinda just laid my open mouth on the lower half of his face and drooled.

He slid my sweatpants down to just below my ass and then dove a hand into my underwear. His fingers tightened around my cock. Two pumps and I was leaking into his palm. Pre-cum sticking to the webbing between his thumb and his index finger.

"Stop," I said.

"Did you?"

" I'm close."

"Ah. Try something else?"

One wrong twitch against the fabric of my underwear, one finger tickling the underside of my head, and my dick would sneeze a glob of humiliating jizz.

"Just, uh. Don't move for a second," I said.

I'd never had the 'premature pete' problem before. With Clementine I'd lasted at least ten minutes before she started posting pictures of fingernail art on instagram. (She told me that they were the best ten minutes of her life.)

In a flash of genius, I decided that Vapi should fuck my ass. If he worked on my asshole, then my dick wouldn't get any attention.

Was I worried that I would shit on Vapi's cock? A little. This one time a guy told me and Wyatt that he fucked a chick in the ass, and that when he pulled out his dick was covered in slimy, green shit. A little turd hanging off the tip. But shit-dick never happened in porn, so I thought I was probably in the clear.

"Fuck me," I whispered.


I whispered it again.

"I can't hear you. Your mom's music still very loud."

I cleared my throat, and then said, "Fuck me with your huge cock." (Loudly.) The words sounded weird coming out of my mouth. I'd heard porn stars say 'fuck me with your huge cock' ,like, at least twenty times. It sounded cool when they said it, but when I said it my voice cracked.

"Oh. Um, alright."

I rolled off of Vapi and onto my back. I slid off my pants, opened my legs and then aimed my feet at the ceiling. I held that position for about thirty seconds, until I looked over at Vapi and noticed that he was searching my bedroom floor for something.

"Man. What are you doing?" I asked.

"Your anus is probably very dry. We'll need some-"

"Lube. Oh yeah. On it."

I snuck into the bathroom and dug around under the sink, hoping to find a bottle of my mom's old aloe vera lotion. But the drunk had used it all up, so I snatched the next best thing: a bottle of herbal essences shampoo. I had used it as lube a couple times before. Got a bit bubbly, and my dick got chapped, but it worked.

"Shampoo?" Vapi asked as I shut my bedroom door.

"Dude. Its fine. I've used it before."

"But it's full of-"

"Relax, okay. It'll work."

I squeezed some shampoo into my palm, then gave Vapi's boner a few strokes. Once his cock was nice and shiny, I pulled down my underwear and gave my asshole a glaze too. The shame came back when I looked down at my dick. Compared to Vapi's, it looked like a sad shrimp. (One of the canned ones.)

"Are you sure about this?" he asked. "It could be painful."

"Positive," I said, taking a deep breath. The guys on porntube always moaned when they took it, so I thought it would probably feel awesome. Like my ass was eating a popsicle.

I laid back down. He positioned himself between my legs, then put one hand on my shoulder and the other hand on the bed to steady himself. I felt his dick between my butt cheeks, and then I felt some pressure below my tailbone. He squinted. Instead of hitting his target, he just slid around down there, fucking my ass crease for a good two minutes. Finally I grabbed his cock, found my asshole with his tip, and said, "Here. It's right here."

His arms started to shake. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah dude, just shove it in already."

Vapi took a deep breath, and then plunged.

Here's how getting plowed for the first time felt:

1) Like I fell off a chair and onto a shard of broken glass.

2) Like a bear clawed open my asshole.

3) Like taking a shit backwards.

4) Like all of those things at once.

"Stop! Get it out! Holy shit! Holy fuck! Ow, ow, oh man. Oh fuck. Ahhh."

I jumped off the bed, then started jumping around on one leg, waving my arms around, breathing like a woman in labor, repeating, 'fuck, fuck, ouch' under my breath.

"I... Snake, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

The pain cooled down a bit (more like rugburn than a hot bullet wound). I leaned over onto my bedside table, then turned to look at Vapi. He was sitting on the edge of my bed, his stomach all shiny and wet. At first I thought he might have got shampoo on his stomach, but when I looked closer, I saw some unmistakable globs of white jiggling in the slime. Then I looked down at my cock: My tip, as wet as the end of a melting popsicle. A thread of drool falling from my my piss hole onto the mouth of an old chocolate milk container. Starting to curl. I didn't feel myself cum, but somehow I had ghost - spunked into Vapi's bellybutton.

All my fantasies--swallowing a mouthful of cum, watching a cock disappear in my ass, feeling sweaty, sticky skin-- drained out of me, and were replaced with a dirty emptiness-- a gut full of dust. Which is how I usually felt after I came, only this was embarassing too, because I couldn't hold my load for more than ten seconds. And you know what was even worse? I had smeared a little bit of shit on Vapi's dick. Just a little bit on the underside, right below the part where his cock head made a triangle. I wiped it off with an old t-shirt before he noticed it, then found my pants and shoved my legs into them.

"Are you okay?" Vapi asked, putting his pants back on too.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I sat back down on the edge of the bed. "That really sucked. Sorry."

"It wasn't exactly Bacchanalian rapture, but that's alright. It feels good just to be close to someone."

I slouched, stared at my kneecaps. My pants had a mustard stain on them. Vapi put a hand on my shoulder.

"I came on your stomach," I said.

"I see that."

"You should wash off."


He stood up and walked to the door. Just as he was about to turn the handle I said, "I'm going to bed."

"Do you want me to join you?"

"You should sleep on the couch."

"Alright," he said, smiling, but looking down.

I curled up on my bed. Before he left my room, Vapi asked, "Are you a member of any religion?"

"Uh. I'm Italian. So Catholic I guess?"

"I see. Good night. "


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